MOE10 IN REVIEW: [An open letter from Moe]

Dear gentle reader(s):

As I reflect back on the year that was, that is, like, still going on, I can't help but think, like, you know, I had an amazing year, and I made my people [AKA "boy" and "Woman"; AKA "him" and "Woman"] have, like, a pretty amazing year too. Sure, there were ups and downs, there were peaks and valleys, there were raw bones left out in the cold. But really, you know, no meat was spoiled, and no bowls were, like, left behind. For those of you who, like, were keeping score at home -- and I know I WAS -- here's a short list of, like, everything I accomplished, or drove my people to accomplish:

-Painted the house

-Got pregnant (quite a feat, considering boy's impotence)

-Bought a wagon (the Zada, thereby allowing Rozlynn to officially become, like, the official meat mobile)

-Got pregnant (again, quite a feat, for the same reason as before)

-Sent boy away to writing camp

-Sent woman away to midwifery camp

-Bought a new blue bed (AKA "the couch")

-Built a new glider rocker (AKA my roommate's landing pad)

-Took not one but two trips to Yoseph, OR

-Rearranged boy's writing space (getting him to use it is, you know, Sisyphean, but some things must carry over)

-Expanded my own business (on my own, thank you)

-Made boy chop down the monster rose bush

-New wireless network (installed myself)

-Led another successful holiday season

Overall, like, things are better than ever, and really, when I look to, you know, dole out the thanks, I start and end with, like, myself.

So now, gentle reader(s), I paw the torch over to, like....my roommate, my roommate.

May the Great Ridgeback have mercy on us all.

Moe (writing from boy's account)

34 years

Hail, Courtney

We'd just survived a hailstorm, complete with thunder and lightning, in Oceanside, Oregon. Courtney and I had gone to a state park with Satchel and Maji when the clouds opened up. Out of the car for about two minutes, a flash of lightning cracked and the thunder was right on us. We started running back up the path toward the parking lot. I turned around and saw Courtney plugging along unable to keep pace. She was weighted down by the future -- our baby.

I stopped, waited then walked with her up the hill to the car. Hail beaned off the hood like buckshot. We'd been through enough storms by now, but still there's a certain queasiness to being caught in thunder and lightning surrounded by trees. It reminded me of a trip we took a decade ago to Newport Beach in upper Wisconsin, along Lake Michigan. That day, the storm didn't just sweep in and out but planted itself on top of the lake, washing out our planned camping trip.

The hike from the lot to the lake was a two-mile trek through dense forest. We'd packed in and set up camp before we decided that if we hung around too long we might wind up dead. It had been raining the entire time, but we figured we'd simply settle in for a wet night of camping. Then the lightning started. A year earlier we'd camped at the same spot and had one of those blissful experiences where you swear you are the last two people alive, or the first for that matter -- an Adam and Eve feeling where it's just you, your lover, the garden and the oversoul that created it all. Our second trip, however, soon became a twelve-hour car ride sandwiched around a boggy hike and an electrical storm.

Soaked, we ran the last 50 yards through the woods with our bags stuck to our backs. Courtney was fast and nimble, clipping along the underbrush like a fawn. When we reached the car we stuffed our gear in the trunk, climbed in the front seats, stripped, patted down and dressed in dry clothes pulled from an old duffle bag, things we hadn't worn since college -- our "hippie" stuff complete with rips, tears and frays.

I remember thinking, even as we were dressing, about wanting to write about the experience, to talk about the changes we were going through, the new faces we were adopting during the early hours of our "professional" days. Thinking back now, I'm sure I went home and scratched something in a journal then stashed it away.

Now, fresh from our most recent encounter with lightning and wilderness, I find myself wondering exactly what it is we're completing in this life. I feel we're both living through a shared lifetime we've never experienced in other lifetimes. And the arrival of this new person -- that tiny life growing inside of Courtney -- is a part of this newness. In one regard, the baby is a culmination. In another, a beginning.

Walking with Courtney up the hill in the hail, I realized -- her hand heavy, her pace a yard behind mine -- that I wasn't exactly dragging her along, but I was definitely helping her. In that awareness I knew that if lightning were to strike her, I'd much rather be holding her hand than otherwise. If the surge was going to go through one of us, I'd want it to go through us both.

We sat for a while in the car and watched the hail, listened as the thunder got farther away. Courtney was panting, laughing and flashing the same smile she flashed that day in Newport, the one that says, "Holy shit, that was close. Now let's drive."

Happy birthday, Baby.

Bliss, Coconut - Chocolate

Dave found it.

A Boy?

Got something resembling a cold this week. Sore throat, stuffy breathing and very tired. The loss of appetite and fatigue reminded me of first trimester.

But feeling better today and baby is kicking up a storm. You can actually see my belly move and a mug of tea resting on my belly can easily get kicked off. I wonder if baby's sudden energy has to do with me feeling better or Dave and I acknowledging for the first time that baby could actually be a boy. Hmmm.....

At the coast this weekend and having a craving for Coconut Bliss chocolate ice cream, Holy Kakow chocolate sauce (warmed) and some sort of marshmallow substance in the bowl. But this is all being denied to me because we're on the coast where the local Safeway had no idea what I was talking about when I called to inquire.

25 Weeks 1 Day

Wow - check out how much I've grown from four weeks ago!!

Prenatal today. Prenatal today without Midwife Kelly because she's moving on January 3rd. I had a feeling she wasn't going to be there for the birth and that's okay. I find what I'm most disappointed about, besides having a friend move away, is that we'll be missing the prenatal classes she was going to hold with us.

Dave and I haven't really talked about how we'll supplement the loss, but I feel we need to do something, and this something will probably happen on our own.

I've audited three childbirth classes and don't want to sit through another. And honestly, it would be even below Dave since he knows so much about childbirth already.

Didn't have much to catch up on with the ladies since four weeks ago. Things have been going great. My fatigue disappeared with the iron and my stress with the adrenal support.

I told them about my tooth staining because of pregnancy and we talked about how the world of dentistry is so far behind on the implications of mouth and pregnancy (except my dentist who totally gets it).

I mentioned my back tightening when I don't do yoga and that I've got an appointment with a new chiro next week - someone who can be called in for my birth if things get stuck.

We did have a great discussion about what I want during labor. This isn't a question that would normally be asked of most moms, but since I have the training they asked at what point do I think I want them to step in and help with pushing. We all agreed that it's so hard to know when to let a mom do her own thing and when to step up and become really involved with directions and such. As an apprentice I've struggled with wondering if I was abandoning mom by letting her be on her own or if those were my own abandonment issues I was projecting.

I want support. If I didn't want support I would have an unassisted birth. I mentioned how I already have a hard time telling what's going on down there and during pushing everything is going to be a mess, so having guided pushing with someone's fingers in my vagina will probably be really helpful for me.

I do want to give it a go on my own first, but I think it's going to take me a long time to figure out how to actually push, so why waste the precious energy for too long of a time. I am open to the help.

Since we were on the subject I mentioned that instead of sutures if I tear, I want to use Nori. Luckily Lori has experience with that, so that will be great. I saved the rest of my labor requests for another time.

Mama and baby vitals:

Weight: 139.2 (27 pound weight gain)

pH: 7.0

BP: 107/74

Pulse: 90

Position: Baby proved once again that baby doesn't like to be palpated. Both midwives had to have a feel before they decided that maybe baby was oblique (diagonal) and baby was probably head down and on the right.

FHT: Again, it took two midwives to find the heart rate with the fetascope. By this time baby was all excited and riled up, so the heart rate was 150's-160's.

Fundal Height: 27 (I think. I know it was more than my weeks.)

WooooW

Two really great things happened yesterday (before and after the strange work situation) that have made me feel so light and happy this morning.

The first is that I had an energy session with Donna (of the Bob and Donna team). We worked on clearing the congestion between my liver and spleen that may be a reason for my consistent waking up in the middle of the night.

When I got home from the session Friends Dan and Stacy sent me a pregnancy pillow in the mail. Now, I always thought these were a bit decadent and that my body pillow (Joey the Brain) was just fine. Two days ago while working with my postpartum family, she had a pregnancy pillow that she was using for breastfeeding and I thought that seemed like a nice thing to have.

My sleep was amazing last night. Now I think it's from the energy work first and the pillow supported those changes. I was able to sleep on my right side and actually have my arm around Dave, something that was too uncomfortable before. Then I was able to, without fussing and rearranging, move to my left side. But the biggest change of all is that I was then able to sleep on my back comfortably for many hours, without having to readjust everything under my knees.

Even better than all that great sleep I got (10-6 with just 1 bathroom break) is that I wanted to stay in bed after I woke up and just lay there all snuggled and feeling safe. Since the beginning of pregnancy I haven't been able to just lay in bed and hang out. It's like I need a change of state or something, which explains why I have to fall asleep on the couch. This morning I laid there for 30 minutes, just hanging out between sleep rhythms.

I could see where if I was a little taller, the pillow wouldn't work as well - but it really is an amazing tool to have and I plan on buying this for all my newly pregnant friends. Love it.

And so this morning I've woken up feeling really light and happy. The work situation is something that isn't even bothering my right now. I'm going to ignore her email and I feel good about that decision.

As friend Stacy said to me: "The email is a parting shot of negativity from a negative place. I think the vibe there is, "Well, she thinks she's too good for us, so fuck her."

Strangely, about an hour after I wrote the last blog post I got a call from a midwife there. Apparently a midwife was recently fired out of the blue and her friend, the one calling me, wanted to know if she could give her my number because, "she doesn't have the strength that you have nor the ability to see the big picture and she's upset by all this. I think it would help her to hear how you were able to be a positive part of a bad experience there."

Isn't life funny. As Trisha would say, "Wooow. I mean, right? Woooow."

Strange

So - Having finished my final shifts at the birth center and declaring today that I felt really free from that place, I got an email from my supervisor. She said I:

~ Left blood on a bottle of lotion (that's bad)

~ Didn't do the dishes (for some reason I thought doulas didn't have to clean up after midwives)

~ Left wet laundry in the washer (nope, that didn't happen for sure)

~ Put the portable toilet away in the wrong place (okay)

The second paragraph of the email was in reference to me trying to find a replacement on Tuesday night for my second room cleaning in a row. The apprentice who called me in asked me if I was able to come in for the room clean (she knows that the cleaning is hard on my body) and I told her I was going to look for someone else. When I called her back to tell her it was me who would be cleaning she said that the director "flipped out" b/c I was trying to find a replacement. She and I rolled our eyes at her ignorance as to how common it is for us doulas to try to find replacements.

In the email I was told that my shifts are my responsibility and that I must to do the work even if I "don't feel like it." That pisses me off because I made it clear why I had to go on early maternity leave and room cleaning was number two on my list.

For the first time ever in my life I feel like not responding to this email (which didn't ask for a response). I'm always one to respond and communicate - which is partly ego driven and partly a need to be open with feelings.

I also feel like burning that bridge - something I've never done in my professional relationships. Throughout my careers I've always kept ties and this has always been important to me. But this time I want to never see or speak or hear another word from them.

And here's the strange part: After reading through the email from the birth center (which should have been a conversation, but my supervisor is young, lacks communication skills and self-confidence) I open a facebook email.

This email is from a higher up smart guy I used to work with at the last consulting firm I was at. He was wondering if I would be interested in joining an independent team he is putting together for a local company - I'd be the project manager, it would go through March and possibly longer if I wanted it to and they are apparently a fun group who work from home.

I'm flattered, to say the least. I took my last management job as a way out of the company I worked at prior where I was too involved and unable to discover what I really needed to be doing in life. So I took this consulting job and coasted through it. I managed my projects well, but on my own personal scale I would say I worked at half level. So it's really nice to be invited to join a team as an independent contractor.

And this has been my dilemma that has been building up inside of me for a few months now. I love the clients and the actual hands on work I do with the birth center families. I could care less about my skills at folding sheets, washing dishes and making beds (apparently I'm not good at any of those things).

I didn't start out the job feeling this way, but lately I've been feeling like it's way below me. Not the actual client part, but the rest of the crap I have to do. And it's because I'm not able to contribute there and make changes - I'm not a part of anything there, I just show up. And that is not in my nature. I've never been respected there and I don't respect the place in return.

So here I am being given unprofessional feedback about a crappy $12/hour job while in the same instant I'm being offered the opportunity to lead a team for $50 - $100/hour and I can't help but think the birth center can just go screw themselves.

I feel snotty when I think about it this way b/c I signed up to fold sheets, roll towels and make beds, in addition to caring for new families and babies.

And that's all I have to say right now...

Why Doesn't Spell Check Know the Word Doula

Last week of work a the birth center and so far I've been called out for every shift, which rarely happens. On Monday I worked with a sweet mom who lost too much blood. That meant that she fainted on me twice while trying to stand. The first time I had to leap to catch her (awesome while 6 months pregnant) and the second time I was prepared. I also ended up almost falling into the bathtub twice while trying to clean it.

During the day I walked into the midwife's kitchen and into several midwives talking about other midwives. I got to be reminded why I don't like it there and how they can't imagine doing anything differently than the way they did it. So nice to be leaving.

The great thing that came out of the long and tiring shift was that the mom who lost too much blood hired me on as her private postpartum doula. I love going into people's homes and helping with their new family.

They are from Taiwan and I'm getting to learn all sorts of interesting postpartum cultural traditions. For example, eating pig liver, feet and parts of the face for 30 days is considered optimal recovery food and not taking a bath during that time is vital to a new mom's health.

So yesterday I worked with that family at their home all day, then got called into the birth center as soon as I got home to my family. This was a transport situation, which means just a room clean, little blood and pretty easy. I still didn't want to do it, tried finding a replacement, couldn't, and went in to do the work.

On call tonight and hoping I can stay in my bed all night and not go into work.

After work on Monday my back was so tight. I think I've mentioned before how, when I don't go to yoga for a few days, my low back gets so tight it's almost painful. Well that happened after a long day at work and cleaning so I asked Dave to rub me.

Thinking I was being clever, I made a nest of pillows on the bed to try and lay on my belly. I didn't have any pressure on my abdomen and it felt comfy. After 15 minutes I suddenly got really nauseous, my mood turned foul and I was so uncomfortable everywhere. I'm guessing that had to do with laying face down, which I won't ever do again. Promise.

Even the next morning at yoga class I felt nauseous and was not able to enjoy myself. And remember that growth spurt I had last week? Well, getting in and out of lunges is a bit difficult now.

I really need to start swimming laps. I know I've been saying this for about 12 weeks now, but I have to start making it a priority. Realistically, after X-mas I can probably work it into my schedule once a week and I think that will help with the low back stretching. Usually, you use your abdomen muscles to really stretch the low back, but obviously I've got a little something in the way. So swimming seems like a good alternative.

And chiro appointments. There is a chiro that we used to bring into births when baby was a little stuck. I'd like to start a relationship with her now, to help my low back and make sure everything is lined up AND to have her on my list of people to call if needed during the birth. I'll just be paying for this out of pocket, so I'm dragging a little.

Baby has been hanging out in my uterus like it's a hammock. Very cute. It feels like baby has gotten much bigger and is starting to take up more uterine space. I also have the sense that baby, at least at this time, doesn't like to be palpated. So I haven't been feeling the borders of my uterus or trying to guess the position of baby. Just gentle massage every night.

4 am

Good morning 4 am. While sleeping downstairs I hardly know you, but upstairs you like to call me awake. Why is that? I'd love to meet 7 am, she seems like a lovely time to wake up.

To Do List

(...with a nod to Kelly T...)

What Has Been Done:

• Rug purchased for baby space
• Rug pad purchased so dogs will actually lay on rug
• Cedar chest moved to Dave's poetry office
• Filing cabinet moved from poetry office to garage
• Dresser unpacked and filled with freshly washed baby clothes
• Crib put together
• Outlet installed to plug in light in baby space
• Electrician called to check out wonky wiring upstairs
• Bedroom crawl space checked for black mold (slight moisture, nothing too concerning)
• Holiday cards
• Baby shower invites
• Cradle put together

What Needs to Be Done (short-term):

• Filing cabinet in garage filled
• Shelves hung in Dave's poetry office so we can put bookshelf in storage
• Shelf hung above dresser
• Shelf hung in laundry room
• Last week of work at birth center
• Finding a place to throw away all the packaging garbage

A Little Bit of Everything

Baby likes belly massage. Baby moved right to my touch again last night. It's such a special feeling, like when a dolphin comes to the edge of a pool and wants to be your friend.

Davey is feeling better. His turnaround was yesterday and as long as he rests this entire weekend, I think he'll be fine.

I had a belly growth spurt that coincided with a huge eating binge a few days ago. Sometime over the afternoon on Wednesday last week my belly got wider. On Thursday I was feeling the weight increase on the top of my pubic bone. The body is so amazing.

Around this time is when a lot of pregnant women start to notice bleeding and inflamed gums from hormonal changes. I haven't had anything like that, but what I have noticed is that my teeth now stain more easily. After drinking a simple cup of tea I'll have stain around my gum line that sometimes I can't brush off. I feel like it's from my iron supplements, but it's odd that it didn't happen when I was taking iron during the miscarriage. I am going to the dentist next week, so we'll see what he says.

Did I mention my mom got us a crib and matching dresser? Having matching furniture for the baby is really important to her. I remember how much she loved my matching dresser, end tables and bed when I was young. She and I had to leave that furniture behind when we left my father (we could only take what we could pack in the car) and I think that's why it's vitally necessary to her that baby have this stuff.

The dresser is awesome and will make a nice changing station upstairs. The crib is beautiful, but a little too showy for me. I wanted something simple and natural, but those pieces were about $200 more than the "antique cherry with curved corners" set.

I was definitely on the fence when it came to a crib. Was I really going to use it or would it be laundry storage? In the end I decided to go for it because I wanted a place where it was safe for me to put baby down for a nap, away from edges and Maji's tongue and every baby that sleeps in their crib seems to really like their crib. It's their space and when I'm babysitting them they often ask for it.

Next week is my last week at the birth center and I'm on call 60 hours. Hoping I don't get called in at all, but if I have to be, hoping it's during the day.

The week after that I start a new babysitting job with a new practice baby. I'm starting to feel stress about that because I won't be able to wear the baby (belly too big) and last I checked with the mom, baby was only sleeping by wearing baby down. I could try putting baby on my back if they have the right carrier. Walking is always an option for babies who need motion to fall asleep, but it's December and this is Portland, so it's probably going to be rainy and unhappy outside.

Baby, Baby Daddy

As part of our childbirth education we're reading The Birth Partner out loud to each other. Last night in bed, as Dave was reading, I was massaging my belly in slow circles with oil. I felt the effects throughout my body and it was nice.

Then I felt baby move to the front of my uterus, as close to my hands as possible. I could feel almost the entire outline of baby's body and feel him or her pushing toward my touch.

I don't think I can adequately describe how this makes me feel. It was the first time I was able to feel a conscious decision from the baby to be near me. Baby wanted to feel my touch and be close to my energy. So far, this has been the most amazing part of pregnancy. I'm so honored to be carrying this spirit to our world.

In other news, Dave is sick with a lung/chest virus, which we're hoping doesn't turn into pneumonia. It's been two years exactly that Dave last had pneumonia in both his lungs. Lungs hold grief and this is also the time that Azu-zu would have been born. Coincidentally, Dave has been having intense father dreams, so I believe the two are related.

Two years ago his pneumonia began the same way this illness has - as something in the chest. This year around his birthday (11/18) he got really depressed about turning 35 and even before that had some anger around work and life and scheduled obligations. This moved him into a serious funk and he went to see Bob and Donna, some great healers we work with. They put him on homeopathics and did some energy work, and that is probably what has stirred this up in his lungs.

Currently, Dave is on the Vitamin A protocol, drinking lemon, ginger and cayenne tea and taking it easy (which is really hard for Dave to do). This morning I've got him steaming his lungs with pine, lemon and eucalyptus and keeping his kidneys warm.

Because we're handling this early, and Dave has great energy and feels relatively good, I think we can head off the pneumonia (it's part of his constitution).

Send healthy lung thoughts please.

Circles

Doesn't that rug just scream baby movement?

Maternity Leave

Put in my notice at the birth center yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn't as liberating as I hoped. They first asked if I could stay on until they hire and train someone. Since that averages 3 months, I said no. Then they wondered if maybe I could work through end of January for the day shifts.

I reiterated my reasons why it was time for me to be done with the work and they said they'll have problems filling the schedule. So, reluctantly I agreed that after this "2 week notice" if they get rid of all my overnights, I'll work with them on seeing when I could fill in the gaps in the schedule.

What I am trying to remember is that by leaving the birth center I'm opening myself up to greater work possibilities and releasing my stress around that job - even if it means I'm still scheduled for the time being.

Dave

Relaxin and Such

Starting to recognize my hips loosening up and things moving more fluidly. Hmm, maybe fluidly is too positive of a word because eventually it's going to feel wonky and unstable in my hips and already feels like too much motion.

It's odd, it's not like in yoga I can suddenly stretch in ways that I never could before. It's more like a sensation that the way I can move my hips is now different.

Last night and this morning baby was moving so much. And I would know since I've been awake since 3 am. The movements felt near my cervix and almost electric. After awhile I thought I had a stomach ache only to realize it was just active baby. I love feeling baby move. It really makes me so happy.

Today I'm having a whiny day. I want Dave's company, a fire and to sit on the couch all day. I've become attached to Dave lately and am gearing up to miss him while Satchel and I visit a friend in Washington for three days. Anyway, today I'm not getting any of it. Going to babysit instead a precocious 5-year old (which I learned Maji is much like a toddler) while her parents become enlightened.

This morning I realized that all Dave and I talk about is planning for the coming months. I can't even remember what we used to talk about. And then when we have the baby all we'll ever talk about is the baby. I'm getting tired of it and if I'm getting tired of planning I can only imagine how much talking and thinking about it I'm actually doing. Going away for three days should help that situation.

The writing studio has really consumed us lately. Struggling with the unknowing of our permanence in this house and the unknown of an increased monthly budget cost and with me making no money for awhile. Can this really be feasible? Ohhh how we want it to work out.

Palpation

Not only did I feel baby somersault yesterday, but Dave and I were also able to feel baby's head and leg last night. So tiny in there. I don't have a word to describe how I feel about this. It's a cross between excitement about meeting someone you've always wanted to meet, pure bliss and complete anticipation.

20 Weeks and 5 Days

I love my midwives. All of them. They are so great and lovely. What a blessing.

Prenatal recap:

~ Baby is as big as a $5.00 loaf of artisan bread. That's so adorable.

~ I've been feeling way tired lately and know that anemia has been setting in. They gave me the green light to start taking iron (for some reason I thought you weren't supposed to take it before 28 weeks).

When I got home I cracked open a bottle of Floradix and it tasted like nectar from heaven.

Floradix is great because if your body doesn't need iron, it tastes like crap. That was my experience when I tried it last year. When I started taking it during my miscarriage it tasted good, like something I needed. But this time I got that overall body tingling and started to cry thinking about how wonderful the taste is. So obviously it's a good choice for me right now.

~ Mentioned that I started taking Adaptocrine for adrenal support. That night with the horrible family at the birth center totally drained me of everything I had and I haven't been able to recover.

~ I've had a tiny, external hemorrhoid since I got pregnant that I didn't much care about until it started getting bigger recently. I've been treating it with witch hazel (topically and homepathically), rutin and oatstraw, but I've only been able to reduce it down to it's original size.

Kim mentioned that may be something I have to just start to love and accept, but then remembered that chiro or acupuncture care can also help. Since I've been thinking about going to a chiro on a regular basis around 30 weeks, this will work out great.

My fear with the hemorrhoid situation is that it will A) get worse as I keep growing and B) get really really bad when I'm pushing baby out. It's not something I really want to deal with postpartum.

~ My BP was pretty much the same as last time: 110/72. Pulse 80. Uterus measuring right at umbilicus. Heart tones heard with fetascope - I think 130's - 140's. And I weigh 130 pounds even. Which means I've gained 18 pounds.

Time Time

I've been feeling really overwhelmed really easily lately and I just realized it's because I'm pregnant, not because I'm going crazy.

Time has been on my mind a lot. I'm a planner, like to think ahead and I'm not a last minute girl. November feels like a month off (though not really) for me and then I'll be super busy again working with a new practice baby (he's 5 months old). That leaves January and February fully available for preparing for the baby since I want to have March free to sit around, read and tie up loose nesting ends.

It would probably help to make lists of things I want to get done. That's a start. But really the day to day things that come up become a little anxiety producing and I'm hoping this phase doesn't last too long.

Writing Studio

Ok, I'm coming around to the idea of trying to afford a writing studio for Dave. It's something he's always wanted and I know it's something he needs.

My main concern is actually how long we will really be in this house and would building something like that be worth taking out a line of credit on the house and financing the deal? I'm guessing we would need to be here at least 3 more years.

The idea excites me. Dave can have his own private space, I could move my office into his bright, sunshine current office and we could have the guest room stay the same but with a writing space for Dave in the house. That leaves the entire upstairs as sleeping space for baby and us. The guest bedroom can also function as a second play area.

Anyway, we're having a contractor come out hopefully this week and give an estimate. This feels like a huge deal.

Work Not So Fun

I'm getting tired of working at the birth center. At this point it's count down until maternity leave, which is whenever I decide I guess.

I've scheduled myself only one, sometimes two, night shifts a week and one or two day shifts, but I only seem to get called in for the night shifts. Really! I haven't worked a day shift in weeks. But every week I find myself working one or two overnights.

And the state insurance, which covers midwives 100%, has changed their policy on birth centers. Where they used to cover a two night stay, they now require that, if mom and baby are stable, they must be discharged within four hours after the birth.

I can't even begin to tell you how stupid this is and I am continuously wondering why families aren't just staying home. I can't imagine packing up and getting in a car four hours after a baby came out of my vagina.

And the hard thing about this for me as a doula is that means I'm discharging families in the middle of the night. This then means that I spend the next four hours cleaning a room. Cleaning up bloody messes is not fun at 2 am, not to mention the fact that I'm a lot freaked out being alone in an old Victorian home that is haunted. This is a lot of work.

As if this wasn't yucky and crappy enough, last week I worked with a dad who I felt unsafe with. It was overnight, his domestic abuse issues came out during the birth and continued throughout his overnight stay, by him refusing to leave the birth center, refusing my presence in the room and refusing my help with mom who was having breastfeeding issues.

By morning, after I caught them trying to sneak out of the birth center without a car seat, and he told me I was trying to trick him and he didn't like my attitude, I called in another doula because I felt unsafe. She was going to bring her husband as well.

In the end, he tricked me and ran out with his baby and wife and no car seat. After my initial shock I was glad I didn't catch him, because what would have happened? I already made him mad and I was afraid of him.

What amazed me was how quickly during my shift I changed my behavior so I didn't make him mad. I've never been in a situation like that before and for the first time got a taste of what these poor women go through, desperately trying to always keep their partner happy and calm.

At one point in the morning, before the car seat incident, he went outside to go to his car. The front gate was locked and I was nervous to meet him in the courtyard and unlock the gate in case he was mad about the delay. I didn't want to be in an enclosed space with him. So I waited until he came into the kitchen to get me and I pretended I hadn't noticed him leave. He wasn't mad, made a weird comment, and followed me out the door.

Creeps me out just thinking about that night. And that night has left a sour mark on my perception of work and I just don't want to do it anymore. And so I'm off to work tonight.

Getting the House Ready

Every time I make a big baby move, like register or my mom buys us something I get a little anxiety that I'm moving too fast, and what if things don't work out. I'm happy to say that each time this happens it is less than the last time.

My mom called today to say she was placing the order for a crib and dresser. After my initial excitement, I got worried. I mean a crib and dresser is the real thing. It's furniture that sits out in the bedroom and waits for baby. And I'm only 20 weeks.

But the feeling went away and that was nice.

Dave has been feeling a little overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that is about to enter our space. We've spent our lives together trying not to accumulate and now we're in the biggest accumulation period we've ever been a part of - and he hasn't even looked at the registry yet.

I understand how he feels. Totally. And I understand his feelings of crowdedness when he thinks about having to give up his second office upstairs for the baby space. Though it's funny to joke that Dave has a poetry and a writing office, it really is where he goes to work on his creative stuff, away from the work pressure in his downstairs office.

Dave wants to build a writing cabin in the yard. That's not actually a possibility. So, I've drawn up a plan to move some furniture out of his second office to make room for the cedar chest, I bid on an awesome 7x10 area rug for the middle of the bedroom, and we'll make that space the baby space.

Really, it makes better sense anyway. The middle space of our bedroom is essentially used as a hallway now, but is big enough for a crib, dresser and play area. Plus it's closer to our bed - not that baby will be sleeping in the crib at night for awhile.

So I'm warming the space up. I plan to hang a thick blanket on the wall behind the crib to keep the draft out, the rug will be a nice add and I can find some holiday lights to invite in a nice glow. A perfect baby space! Yay me.

Not Woman at My Birth

In need of a friend to be in charge of the pups and take pictures during the birth, I asked Kelly, who said yes and is super excited.

A perfect fit really, Dave has known that Kelly would be at the birth even when I was pregnant with Azu-zu. I could never figure out how that would happen since she is grossed out by babies and pregnancy and never wants kids. But when it comes to my baby and pregnancy, she's totally into it.

It's a perfect fit really. Satchel, who calls her Not Woman, loves her and Maji and Kelly had past lives together, so it works perfectly. She's an artist and that frees up her schedule quite a bit and she can take pictures. She can even do a load of dishes here and there.

Yeah - so excited to have Kelly there. Plus, as she said, it gives her something to look forward to as she waits for her Lyme Disease to get out of her body.

Why Men Fly Into Buildings

A poem by Dave.

The Tribune’s survey asks me to rate my sex life on a scale

between Puritan and Gomorrah. I choose Protestant,

defined here as being in a committed heterosexual relationship

with someone of a similar ethnic profile.

Down the page I encounter the word docking, a sex act

between two men where one inserts the head of his penis

into the foreskin of his uncircumcised partner, which gets me

wondering why the only word for being uncircumcised

is uncircumcised, which is like saying uncut or unaltered, yet

there is no word for the fact that we come into life intact,

fully skinned, normal, which is how my wife and I

refer to our son when our families ask

why we didn’t circumcise even if it meant denying

various Bible passages and covenants not to mention

a pre-Victorian medical slit, where the doctor rolls back the skin

to cut around the base of the nascent newborn tip that sticks out

like the tiniest lipstick without its cap.

We wanted to save him the pain of bunk science that speaks

of preventing diseases, many of which are listed

in the twelve-inch column adjacent the sex survey, two pages

over from the story about a man who flew his single engine Cessna

into an IRS building because his wife left him and his business closed.

If someday my son flies into a building, crashes

into the office window of a mid-level federal employee,

a depth psychologist may suggest his aggression went back

to the nursery, some recessed anger because his penis was unlike

his circumcised father’s, leaving me with the image of my son

loading the cockpit, nudging up into the sky but staying low at the horizon,

squaring the nose of his bird at a steel and concrete edifice

built well before he was born.

The Man at 18 Weeks

My gut warbles like I gargled

and swallowed the salt. My feet ache.

I raise them. Propped on pillows,

I take pumice to my toes. I’ve callused

over like the goldfish crackers

in the bowl in my lap. Each fish

has a smile and a little blinking eye,

the other eye wide open. They wink

and smile when you eat them. I eat

handfuls at a time. Outside there is wind

and little children dressed like Eskimos

in the rain. The wind is getting harder.

The goldfish swim around my stomach

until they become one giant goldfish

swimming around one round bowl of flesh.

It wants to look out through my skin

at the noise of the children and wind.

Its nose kicks against my liver.

It wants to see what I see, what it’s like

out here in the light. I want to know

what the fish’s dark float is like. I run

warm water in the tub and lie under water

until my ears fill with bubbles.

- Dave

Fetascope Heartbeat

I haven't tried to hear the heartbeat with a fetascope or palpated my uterus since before my last appointment. This morning I woke up and thought it was time to listen and fairly quickly I heard baby's heartbeat!!

I'm excited that I was able to hear baby AND excited that I'm developing my fetascope skills, which have always caused me to silently panic when it was my turn to listen to other's bellies.

Haven't felt movement since the last time, but thought that maybe, during yoga yesterday morning, I felt the bubble releasing sensation again. I think soon enough I'll be feeling taps and pokes consistently.

I've also been making lists of baby stuff we want. My mom already bought us a stroller (BOB) and she's going to buy us a crib and a dresser. I was always a little ify on the crib situation, but realized that I want somewhere safe to put baby where baby won't roll to the floor and Maji won't lick baby awake. I realize that it will be a long time before baby will probably use the crib for naps, but having it all set up will make me feel settled and ready.

Amy took me to Babies R Us last weekend, which was very brave of her, and it ended up being quite fun. My east coast family has begged us to register there so they can easily buy us stuff and ship for free, so I figured why not.

I've never registered for anything before and it was a hoot to walk around the store with the scanning gun and scan items. I tended to request items we'll need later down the road, like plates and cups and 9 month old clothes.

I also realized that you do need stuff for a baby. Blankets, bottles, diapering systems, something to put the baby in so you can shower, burp cloths, slings, garbage cans to keep puppies out of shit, toys......crazy. And I really want one of those glider rockers :)

I've been dying to get to the mountain this month before the rains come, so on my day off from practice baby, I'm taking the dogs on a little hike. Yeah for fall in Oregon.

Baby Movement

I, for sure, felt baby move last night. A little poke poke on my left side.

And I weigh 125 these days.

16 Weeks and 5 Days

Hello October 13th and our third prenatal. Today found me happily declaring to our midwives that I was no longer going to die of starvation or indecision. I've been able to decide things on my own for several weeks now and food is no longer an issue.

Some topics we chatted about:

My headaches have gone away after a chiro appointment (was leaning my head forward because of additional weight and my eagerness to look ahead was showing up.) But I am waking up with headaches in the middle of the night that go away by morning. It feels like when you wake up after a night of drinking feeling like you're going to have the worst headache, only to find yourself perfect come morning.

I thought maybe it was dehydration, but it didn't really make sense since my pee is never concentrated and I drink throughout the night. Lori felt it could be low blood sugar. And though I don't feel hungry, perhaps I am. But why would it resolve on it's own and why can I actually fall back asleep? Kim thought perhaps circulation. At any rate, it's not something that concerns me, just an oddity of my pregnancy.

I mentioned how busy I've been with birth center work, being a temporary nanny and having childbirth and doula clients. But it's the perfect time for all that to be happening.

I told them that I felt that my uterus is growing larger than my 16 weeks, mostly in height. Sometimes it feels at a 20 week height to me and sometimes I can't find the fundus (top of uterus) at all. But overall the width of the uterus feels right on with 16 weeks. Lori felt it and agreed that the fundus was higher, more along 18 weeks but thought that overall it was growing at a pace that was normal.

They also said that the 3 different times I thought I felt the baby move was probably the baby moving. The first time was at 15 weeks and I felt a bubble releasing inside my uterus. The next times was at 16 weeks and 2 days when I thought I felt a poke on the left side and then a few minutes later on the right side I had that same bubble feeling. Yeah baby!

I mentioned my new love of grapes and was told that grapes are a great blood builder. And isn't that perfect timing since my body is busy making lots of extra blood!!!

My pulse was 82, which is again high for me. I think as the appointment goes on I get more and more excited and this raises everything. My blood pressure was 106 over 72 or something like that. I'm going to have Dave check my vitals a few times at home just to see if it is because I get all excited talking about baby things when I'm with the midwives.

And my pee pH was 8 again. I was all excited to tell them that I figured out it was the legumes that caused a high pH last time only to remember that I ate 13 bean soup last night, so my pee was affected again. Not that it really matters, but it's certainly a curiosity to me.

Lori wasn't able to hear baby's heartbeat with the fetascope and I didn't feel it was necessary to use a Doppler. I feel confident that baby is growing and healthy and I wanted to feel myself decline the quick fix of the Doppler. It felt good to have real confidence again in my body's ability to do what it needs to do.

An Update For You

It's been awhile.....I've been feeling really good and just living my normal life, with occasional naps between doings.

Work has been busy. I got a temporary (my favorite kind) nanny gig watching a 4 month old boy named Gus. I love doing the nanny thing for babies because I get lots of good ideas from moms. Baskets of burp cloths in the living room - brilliant. (If anyone wants to buy me some baskets, I'll need them for toys, diapers and now burp cloths).

I've also been working lots at the birth center. I dread, like you wouldn't believe, actually going to work, but once I'm here it's usually fine. Last night was probably my hardest night ever. I worked all day as a nanny, had a few hours of rest time at home, then came in to work overnight.

Happily, I am friends with the family that just gave birth. Unhappily, they were wired and needy and I didn't get to lay down until 3 am (on the floor mind you). And then I was up about every hour with them. So I'm operating on about 2 hours of sleep.

Dave is, as I type this, making me GF french toast with bacon. My plan is to eat and then get about 4 hours of sleep. After that I'll pick up a Moe's Meats order, inventory it, then rest again until his buyers come for some meat. Dave is also making city chicken tonight and then he's going to give me a massage.

Because of the nanny work (8:30 - 4:30) I haven't been able to get to yoga class in six days and my body feels like it's falling apart. My legs ache from a walk around the block and I'm suddenly aware that I have a lower back.

Speaking of body aches - shoes. WTF? Suddenly I have no shoes that are actually comfortable for walking. And this Gus baby likes to walk. It basically feels like my feet used to be callused and now they are gone and I'm left with a thin layer of burning skin. Plus the bones in my feet hurt. I'm told wait four months to really feel it...

As for the baby, I have been trying to find the heartbeat with a fetascope nearly every night, with no luck. It's still kinda early and I'm not very skilled at finding it on my own anyway.

I had a moment, at 15 weeks, when I thought I felt the baby move. It was at night and it happened as I was turning over to my side, so it was a little confusing. It felt like a sudden bubble, in my uterus, releasing. I haven't felt anything since.

Dave has been super busy as well. Lots of work and workshops and he's handling it well. He is enjoying most of the business work that is coming at him and the workshop groups (4 of them) are really great. He's also reading at Wordstock this weekend, quite a big deal.

Satchel and Maji are enjoying practice baby (Gus) and both getting used to baby in their own, unique ways.

Pregnancy is Rad

I was eating this weekend and thought to myself, this is different. What's different about this experience? Oh, I'm enjoying the food! It tastes good.

And then all of a sudden, like a switch, food is good. I can eat. I can make decisions about what I want to eat. I want to eat. It's yummy. Oh my!

For dinner last night I had two bowls of soup and a bagel. For breakfast this morning I had a belgium waffle and energy bar. Then another breakfast after yoga. It feels so good!!!

I've also got to mention how hearing the heartbeat really shifted my pregnancy. I'm feeling more trusting and excited. I'm giddy about my belly and feeling super grounded.

This emotional shift, combined with eating food and not having the early pregnancy exhaustion anymore has really made me one happy pregnant lady.

Second Prenatal - 12 Weeks 3 Days Today

Had our second prenatal with our lovely midwives this morning. I mentioned my frequent headaches (twice a week) and they threw out the possibilities of posture change or vascular change - meaning, with my blood volume increasing, perhaps my head gets a bit overwhelmed with the amount and I get a headache. Both theories make sense to me since when I lay down the headache disappears.

And then it was Doppler time. I've been gearing baby up for this moment, telling him or her that I was probably going to be nervous and that perhaps baby would feel a change in their environment but everything would be okay, and to please move as high as possible and present yourself, just for a minute. I also mentioned to baby that when the Doppler was going to be used I probably wasn't going to be able to offer much reminders or reassurance that everything was okay.

Kelly had a hard time finding the heartbeat and I know how hard it can be in an early mother. Kim came over and asked the baby to show up, just for a second, and sure enough, she was able to find it.

It was a strange moment for me. I can't compare it to anything else really. It wasn't like the ultrasound when I was sure everything was wrong and then it turned out right. Perhaps it's like thinking you might loose everything and then the next second realize that you actually get to keep everything AND you get some extra happy stuff as well.

Vital Stats

Weight: 125 - Up 13 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight.

Blood Pressure: 98/52

Pulse: 92 - My pulse was taken after the heartbeat was found and I was so relieved that I felt I was going to pass out. I am usually in the steady 60's.

Urine pH: 8! What, why? This is still within the normal range, but I just didn't think my diet would produce such a base pH. I mean, I rarely eat veggies right now. But no big deal since I have zero signs of bacterial growth, which is encouraged with alkaline urine. Wait, as I'm typing this I am realizing that lentils and chic peas are legumes, both of which I ate before my appointment and both of which really alkalinize urine. Ok, there you go, mystery solved.

Uterus: Above the pubic bone. See, it wasn't my imagination.

Fetal Heart Rate: 150's

Pants

As of my last meal (goat yogurt and blackberries) I can no longer fit into my Just Jeans. I am officially onto maternity jeans. Some larger size pants still fit.

In This Photo: 11 Weeks 3 Days

See, my regular clothes are already tight. I was really wanting to break out the larger sizes, but I felt like I was being too eager.

Throughout this pregnancy I've not wanted to "get ahead of myself" and be too pregnant. But then I talked to a friend who started wearing larger sizes at 6 weeks and I felt comforted.

So I washed and put away my clothes that don't fit and broke out some bigger sizes and maternity clothes. It feels nice.

Craving!

Yes, I think I had what I could call my first pregnancy craving yesterday. I was in yoga class and got the idea that New Seasons should make me a turkey sandwich with swiss and mustard on sourdough bread.

I considered leaving class as it started, but thought that would be silly. I should have left. I spent the entire class being miserable and hating it. AND THEN, the teacher had the nerve to do savasana not at the end, but before a 15 minute meditation. I nearly died.

I was unhappy until I got to eat my sandwich (with a pickle). The big news of all this, besides it being my first craving, is that I ate gluten. Ohh that bread was as soft and fluffy as angel food cake.

Dave was disappointed that he wasn't there to watch me eat the gluten-full bread but I was in no position to delay my craving any longer.

10 Weeks 2 Days

It may not look like a huge change, but we see it. The tummy growth is not my uterus, simply extra weight that I'm storing away for breastfeeding - it's all part of my plan.

Though I mentioned earlier that I really felt the baby settle in, I still can't help but worry and wonder - How do I know I'm still pregnant? That happened yesterday, so we took this picture to make me feel more pregnant.

I have my next prenatal in two weeks and I plan on having them use the Doppler to listen to the heartbeat. At first I was anti, because why expose baby to ultrasound waves with a small handheld device just so I can listen to the heart rate? But I need the reassurance.

The daily napping and waking up sick just isn't proof enough for me. It could be residual hormones. So rather than wait until week 16 when we could hear the heart rate with a fetascope, which produces zero ultrasound waves, we're going to hear it soon. And then hopefully not use the Doppler again until labor.

Practice Baby

I got to babysit for an 8 month old boy named David Eliot J. In case you're missing it, I'm married to a David Elliott J as well. I attended his birth. It was second in a row of three over a weekend in December. His mom called at 1 am on a Friday to let us know her water broke, which was just as we midwives were sitting down after another birth we attended all that day and night.

David's was a fast birth and he arrived 20 minutes after I did. It was a good lesson for me because I didn't have the ritual of setting up the birth room, taking vitals on mom or even charting. By the time I got there, everyone was already in their place. I grew fidgety because I wasn't sure how to ground myself until Molly, the 4 year old said, "Why don't you hold the flashlight." I thanked her for giving me something to do, stood by her with one hand holding the light on mom's bottom, the other wrapped around her little waist.

I haven't seen little David since his last 6 week appointment until yesterday. He was a little confused as to who I was when he woke from his nap, but he soon cuddled into the ergo as we walked from his house to my place.

Maji was beside herself. She was so excited that I brought a baby to her, a baby that was all hers! Satchel was, for the first time ever, curious about a baby. When there have been children or babies in the house he stations himself on the couch and refuses to look. This time he was wagging his tail and peeking behind my legs.

We learned a few things with practice baby in the house:

1) Maji will probably be great during labor and then as soon as our baby exits my vagina, she'll freak and be unable to control her urge to lick the baby. We might have to assign someone the job of restraining her. Not sure how that is going to work.

2) We could use the dryer in the laundry room as a changing station downstairs.

3) We need an area rug in the living room.

4)Satchel will need some acclimation and explanation as to why the baby is allowed in the bed.

After a few hours at my house, I walked back to baby's house and put him to bed. Then he woke up and cried for an hour straight and wouldn't stop until mom's magical breasts came home. After that I emailed a lady I had been talking to about a 30 hour a week nanny job and told her I changed my mind about watching a baby that much.

Practice baby is good in small doses.

Bar Stool Genes

Heading out to a fiction reading by Dave and it being cold in Portland this summer, I went to put on my favorite pair of jeans. But opps, they're a little too tight already. Since I'm not a girl who likes to be uncomfortable in her clothes, I decided not to try to squeeze into them. A bit disappointed that I didn't get one last wear, I put on my "Just Jeans" that are no longer saggy-assed, but rather quite form fitting.

Out we go to a pretty cool art bar where, with my new sized booty, I overshot the slender bar stool and nearly fall over backwards as I try to sit down.

Pregnancy is like one long discovery.

I Feel Pregnant

On Monday I felt the baby settle in. It was kinda like baby has been floating around in there like a cork, which actually is what is going on, but all of a sudden baby dug in and is officially staying. It was a really weird feeling and a few hours later Dave said, "You've reached a new level of pregnancy, I could tell."

And for the days that followed I've felt pregnant. Consistently. I'm also less exhausted than I have been in the past few weeks, though still very tired. And I'd even say I'm feeling a little less nauseous. I've also developed indigestion for the past two days, which sucks, but is very common. Yesterday I even had about 45 minutes of super focused concentration that I put to good studying use.

What else? My belly is big and it has nothing to do with my uterus, which is still neatly tucked and well-flexed back inside my pelvis. All my weight gain goes to my boobs first, then belly, then face. Dave said my legs are starting to change, but I'm refusing to notice that. My backside is definitely widening out as well. I'm waiting for my hair to suddenly grow long and even thicker. And what about my skin glow? Wonder when that will start happening.

Even though I know that stretch marks are all about genetics and nutrition, I couldn't help myself and bought some Mother's Special Blend stretch mark oil, which I use after every shower and a cocoa butter stick that I try to use at night if I can stomach the smell of chocolate all over my body. All that moisture application hasn't prevented the skin on my boobs from being continuously dry, flaky and peeling. But at least I know I'm doing that best I can with that.

My yoga tank tops are a little too short on me already, what with my large chest and growing belly, suddenly I'm wearing a top that shows off my belly button. Classy. And I must admit that I am getting excited about wearing maternity clothes.

My mother works with a young girl about my size who is through having kids. So she sent me 4 bags of semi-trashy, semi-cool maternity clothes. Some of the clothes kinda reminds me of what Nancy Botwin wore on Weeds when pregnant, minus the mini-skirts and heels. The other clothes consist of more jeans and sweaters and black pants than I currently own now - so I really do have a whole new wardrobe waiting for me. But no yoga tank tops.

Another One

I think they've been going to roommate counseling together to work on their relationship.

This is Odd and Blog Worthy

Look! Maji and Satchel spooning. This NEVER happens. Satchel likes his space.

Thanksgiving in August

I like turkey. When I eat it, I kinda feel altered in my consciousness. So I ordered a 14 pounder and we had Thanksgiving in August.

The picture to the left is before the actual turkey caught on fire (a common occurrence when we grill one of those). It still wasn't cooked yet, but Kelly couldn't help herself and picked and picked.

Cranberries could not be found, frozen or fresh, in August, so we had fresh from the garden beet salad. White mashed potatoes (my new favorite meal), cornbread stuffing and pumpkin pie. It was great. I drank so much sparkling water I felt hung over this morning.

Entering a Time

So, I'm entering the week of my pregnancy when my baby died last time. I can't say that I have anxiety about it or feel it in my bones, but I have had increased dreams about blood and I do check the toilet paper for blood more now when I go to the bathroom.

A part of me feels that, "if I can just make it through the next 3 weeks, I'll be golden." And while that is completely arbitrary and doesn't mean anything, I can't shake it. And that's okay.

I feel like the next few weeks will go by slow and I want to find some activities to keep me busy and occupied. Perhaps a renewed energy for studying? Some hiking with the pups?

My First Prenatal

Well, I had my first prenatal yesterday and it was so much fun getting to sit on the couch rather than be the one with the chart asking the questions.

The appointment lasted 90 minutes (usually it's an hour appt) but we were talking shop and getting caught up with each other. Dave was a little bored and was having some hunger issues, but it was so nice to have him there. Plus, as a midwife I know how hard it can be for some dads to engage during the appointments. I imagine it can be a little overwhelming to be a guy in a room with 4 other women talking about birth and pregnancy.

Had my blood drawn and I must admit that I am quite proud at how dark and healthy my blood looked - no anemia there.

As of today I'm somewhere between 9 weeks and 7 weeks plus 1 day.

A One Time PTSD Event

On Tuesday I convinced everyone that my baby was dead. I was 100% positive I was correct and I'm not someone who ever thinks she's 100% about anything.

On Monday night (8/9) I woke up to a part of myself saying, "something's not right" over and over again. I tried to ignore that feeling all day but had the familiar anxiety from last pregnancy about miscarriage.

I noticed my breasts were not as firm or tender throughout the day and after dinner every single one of my pregnancy symptoms were gone. Everything! Literally, the haze of pregnancy, which for me is like an awful sedative drug, lifted and my vision cleared and my thoughts weren't agonizing over every little thing I had to do. I had joy when eating, food tasted good and I made immediate decisions about what I wanted to eat.

After dinner I shared with Dave that I thought something was wrong and by the time we got done watching two episodes of Weeds (we're re-watching from season 3) I told him I probably wasn't pregnant anymore.

All my dreams that night were of the non-pregnant variety. Every day during this pregnancy I have a dream about the last movie I've seen (I've been watching a lot of stuff since it's the only activity I really enjoy). I have my movie dream. Wake up to use the bathroom then continue with the movie dream where nothing ever really happens and it's all clouded over in a fog. But that night I had real dreams with people and things happening that weren't repeated.

My only reassuring pregnancy sign was that my basal body temperature hadn't gone down, which indicates you're losing the pregnancy. I explained that away by saying that I was awake for several hours during the night and I was emotional, so my temp was artificially raised.

I laid awake in bed until Dave opened his eyes and I told him straight up that our baby was dead and I wasn't going to get pregnant anymore because I can't keep opening myself up to life only to have tragedy enter.

I was disconnected except for tiny windows of anger. Really I felt nothing for the spirit of the baby or myself. I was just hating life.

As a test I didn't eat anything after dinner or immediately upon waking the next morning and I wasn't even nauseous. It was over 15 hours of not eating. I think that convinced me that I wasn't pregnant because there is no way you can starve a pregnant body without it getting sick. I just didn't think it was possible for me.

For a second test, I went to my morning yoga class and wasn't sick at all. Not even a little bit. That right there was also a huge sign for me that my body was about to miscarry.

Throughout the day on Tuesday I was my total normal non-pregnant self. I scheduled an ultrasound with the same ND's who performed my first ultrasound with Azu-zu. It was 4 months, minus one day, that we were last in the clinic for an ultrasound.

The midwife, who was very open about not knowing how to use the new ultrasound machine, brought the baby up on the screen. Okay I thought, it's still whole because it hasn't been dead long enough to break apart.

She says she sees a heartbeat, I tell her I don't. She zooms in and there is the little heart, beating so fast. I don't believe it. How did this happen? I look over at Dave and he's rubbing his head against the wall, smiling like he's on Ecstasy.

I was confused and in shock and wanted an actual heart rate. Sure it could be beating now, but maybe it's a slow beat because something is going wrong. The midwife is unable to quickly find the heart rate, says she should have done more training with the new machine, and I loose it.

For me, I don't think ultrasound is 100% safe. It's an unproven technology used prenatally, just like X-rays were, and when every cell division matters, why risk it? So here I was telling myself the baby was dead and now I sent the midwife out of the room because she was making me uncomfortable with a technology that I never wanted to use in the first place. All I could do was put my hands over my face and cry until she left the room to get the other doctor.

Dr. Ed came into the room, I still had my face covered and went to shake my hand. Just sensing him and not seeing him I grabbed his hand wrong and we grasped palms and he said, "You're okay. The baby's okay. It's okay."

I'm not a huge fan of this guy. I know him more than he knows me and he's a smart doctor, but has a huge reputation of just always saying one wrong thing to ruin your experience with him. He's the doctor that I always give a little warning to moms before they go to him.

And yes, he did end up saying something stupid to me during the ultrasound, but the way he grabbed my hand and what he said to me, will stay with me for a long time. It was just perfect. He knew what to do and everything calmed down for me after that.

And baby's heart rate is 142.

Team Lay Down

Maji is the captain, Satchel is the anchor and I'm between. We have Team Lay down at least once a day, and sometimes twice. LOVE IT!!!

ViVi Gets a New Color

Some before and after photos. Well, I guess after and before photos.

Lots of Thoughts

Between naps at Breitenbush on Monday I picked up a pregnancy book and under the Fatigue heading read:

A pregnant body at rest is in some ways working harder than a non-pregnant body mountain climbing.

As a former rock climber and a current pregnant body, I like that statement. And I've got to believe it's true.

Yesterday while studying about uterine prolapse, which is where the uterus can fall out of the vagina after childbirth (really rare for those wondering), I got a little queasy. This isn't a new topic for me. I've looked at the detailed pen drawing in my textbook of the uterus hanging out of a vagina and wondered about the color and odor and mom's reaction.

It wasn't until I got to the line about how the ovaries and tubes can be dragged to the center of the body as the uterus falls out that I nearly retched. And there I was, sick and nauseous for the rest of the evening. I was able to snack, but not able to eat my dinner.

Amazing how a thought can make a pregnant body loose it's ability to eat and feel normal. Yes, pregnant women are very sensitive.

Today I almost left my 7:30 yoga class. I just wasn't feeling very well. Super tired and queasy. I wonder if part of it was the string cheese and smoothie I ate before class (I was really hungry). By the time I decided that I should leave, I had 30 minutes of class left, so I stuck it out, skipping the last few poses and falling asleep. Perhaps it's time I tell my yoga teachers that I'm pregnant.

On a super positive note - my midwife friend Kelly is going to be on my birth team again!!!! She's planning on moving to the Midwest when her husband finds a job, but until then she's going to be at my prenatals. Of course I'm hoping she can stick around to April for my birth. I would love to have her there. And I think Satchel would like that as well.

Yes, I'm leaning more towards having the pups at the birth. Last pregnancy I didn't want them there. I felt Satchel would be too sensitive and Maji too invasive. But during the miscarriage Maji was so so helpful. She would stand in front of me and let me lean on her and hold her tight during contractions, then lay next to me between them.

I think as long as well talk to them enough about what it's going to be like, they'll do great. Plus I feel they would really want to welcome the new baby when we do. I picture Satchel staying far away during labor and then as soon as baby is born, he'll snuggle up in bed with us.

Ohh and! I haven't told my family about my pregnancy yet, but I did secure my brother's time to come out to visit during his spring break, which I think begins April 18th. If he makes it here for the birth, awesome. If he doesn't then he can take care of us for a week postpartum. I can't think of a better situation than that for this birth.

Making a Baby is Hard Work

The first trimester leaves most women tired and sick. The second trimester is a time of new body aches and pains and in the third trimester women can just feel the baby sucking every vital nutrient from their bones.

It's my 7th week and I've become more tired as each day passes. If I worked a regular office job, I would be able to do my work and nothing more. Luckily, I don't have that kind of life and I feel I'm able to get other things done as well.

I've noticed that I'm also loosing interest in food like last time. When I think about eating a PB&J or last night's chicken, it just has no appeal. But I'm trying real hard to not get sucked into the nausea cycle, so I'm forcing myself to eat.

Thanks to all the studying I've done on twin pregnancies, the literature has pounded it into my head that these women need to force themselves to eat in order to carry to term. While I don't feel that I'm having twins, that message has stuck with me and I'm trying to oblige.

I've had several instances of feeling pukey, enough where I pull out a cup, bag or towel from wherever I am just in case it happens fast. I haven't puked yet. Even though sometimes I wish I could puke because I think it would make me feel better, I know that would waste precious nutrients and calories that I need to keep inside me.

And the best news of all is that I've had no brain fog like last time. For all my tiredness and occasional nausea, I can push through and study or do laundry. Yeah for me.

6 Weeks Pregnant and Feeling Great!!!!!!

Soooooo......................I'm pregnant!!!

I knew that I was pregnant because I felt implantation cramps about a week after conception. And then the food dreams started rolling in. I only ever used to dream about food like this when I pregnant before.

The best dream was when I opened the oven and discovered a lasagna in there. "I have a lasagna in the over!" Lasagna is a good symbol. Hearty, strong and filling.

Dave also had a dream about my pregnancy and woke up knowing as well.

The strongest early pregnancy sign was that I had a triphasic temperature shift. I started taking my temperature as part of pregnancy planning and after conception my temperature rose in two shifts, which can only mean that your pregnant.

And of course we can't forget that Ladyfinger, my spirit chicken, started laying eggs again. A sure sign of pregnancy for me.

I took a test on July 16th before I drove out to Joseph to pick Dave up. He forgot that I was going to take the test and when he asked how my temperature was this morning and I told him I was pregnant he had a 7 second inhale. It was great.

The first time I told him I was pregnant I felt his body respond and this time I got to hear his body respond. A pretty neat difference.

I remember already starting to have food aversions a few days after my first pregnancy test. By the 5th week I was nauseous, extremely fatigued and eating a lot of cream cheese.

This time around I feel great. I'm eating everything to the exclusion of nothing, rarely tired and never nauseous. Why you ask?

Well, this is a different pregnancy and every pregnancy is different. I'm consistently practicing yoga and that makes a huge difference in my body and spirit when I'm not pregnant so I could only imagine how great it is for me during pregnancy.

I'm also never ever ever letting myself get hungry. As I've mentioned in other posts, it's a vicious cycle, you get hungry, you get nauseous, you can't eat. So this time I eat every few hours, even when I feel stuffed, and amazingly I never have trouble eating when I'm not hungry.

I've been wondering if I was so sick last time because something was wrong with the pregnancy from the start. And that just doesn't resonate with me at all. Or at least I don't want it to. My friend Stacy said that when her friend was pregnant again after a miscarriage that it just felt differently. And I have to agree that I feel different. I'm very grounded and present and sure of my role in this pregnancy.

So that's been interesting.

I'll be posting more belly pictures as the weeks go on. And yes, I am wearing pants and a long sleeve in the middle of July because it's been a strange summer here in Portland and I took that picture last week before the temps rose.

New Cute Things I Discovered About Joseph, Oregon

• In the town of Joseph lives 1 Buddhist monk who has built a monastery. There she holds weekly meditation and Dharma talks.
• One time a cougar was killing lots of cattle so the town of Joseph gave permission to everyone to shoot the cougar on any land. Well, the cougar was shot on the monk's land and she took the dead cougar and held a Buddhist death ceremony in the center of town. The ranchers were not happy.
• Wild sweet sage grows everywhere in the summer.
• Skinny dipping is welcomed on the local side of the lake, away from the tourists.
• The town isn't as dog-friendly as I would have liked (this is not cute).
• Tourists come in hordes to gaze at the mountains from their bus windows and visit Chief Joseph's grave site during the sunny months.
• You can set up camp on any forested land in the town of Joseph.
• The photographer to the Butthole Surfers lives part-time there. Did you even know they were still around let alone have their own photographer?
• The county is paid by the railroad company to park train cars throughout the county. Some locals are upset by this. Dave and I think it adds to the west lore.
• Every home in Joseph has a view from their backyard similar to the photo above. Isn't that freaking amazing???
• AND there are lots of people who don't even own keys to their homes.

Eggs

Ladyfinger, who hasn't laid an egg since the miscarriage, has started laying again. Since she is my spirit chicken, this can only mean one thing.....