MOE10 IN REVIEW: [An open letter from Moe]

Dear gentle reader(s):

As I reflect back on the year that was, that is, like, still going on, I can't help but think, like, you know, I had an amazing year, and I made my people [AKA "boy" and "Woman"; AKA "him" and "Woman"] have, like, a pretty amazing year too. Sure, there were ups and downs, there were peaks and valleys, there were raw bones left out in the cold. But really, you know, no meat was spoiled, and no bowls were, like, left behind. For those of you who, like, were keeping score at home -- and I know I WAS -- here's a short list of, like, everything I accomplished, or drove my people to accomplish:

-Painted the house

-Got pregnant (quite a feat, considering boy's impotence)

-Bought a wagon (the Zada, thereby allowing Rozlynn to officially become, like, the official meat mobile)

-Got pregnant (again, quite a feat, for the same reason as before)

-Sent boy away to writing camp

-Sent woman away to midwifery camp

-Bought a new blue bed (AKA "the couch")

-Built a new glider rocker (AKA my roommate's landing pad)

-Took not one but two trips to Yoseph, OR

-Rearranged boy's writing space (getting him to use it is, you know, Sisyphean, but some things must carry over)

-Expanded my own business (on my own, thank you)

-Made boy chop down the monster rose bush

-New wireless network (installed myself)

-Led another successful holiday season

Overall, like, things are better than ever, and really, when I look to, you know, dole out the thanks, I start and end with, like, myself.

So now, gentle reader(s), I paw the torch over to, like....my roommate, my roommate.

May the Great Ridgeback have mercy on us all.

Moe (writing from boy's account)

34 years

Hail, Courtney

We'd just survived a hailstorm, complete with thunder and lightning, in Oceanside, Oregon. Courtney and I had gone to a state park with Satchel and Maji when the clouds opened up. Out of the car for about two minutes, a flash of lightning cracked and the thunder was right on us. We started running back up the path toward the parking lot. I turned around and saw Courtney plugging along unable to keep pace. She was weighted down by the future -- our baby.

I stopped, waited then walked with her up the hill to the car. Hail beaned off the hood like buckshot. We'd been through enough storms by now, but still there's a certain queasiness to being caught in thunder and lightning surrounded by trees. It reminded me of a trip we took a decade ago to Newport Beach in upper Wisconsin, along Lake Michigan. That day, the storm didn't just sweep in and out but planted itself on top of the lake, washing out our planned camping trip.

The hike from the lot to the lake was a two-mile trek through dense forest. We'd packed in and set up camp before we decided that if we hung around too long we might wind up dead. It had been raining the entire time, but we figured we'd simply settle in for a wet night of camping. Then the lightning started. A year earlier we'd camped at the same spot and had one of those blissful experiences where you swear you are the last two people alive, or the first for that matter -- an Adam and Eve feeling where it's just you, your lover, the garden and the oversoul that created it all. Our second trip, however, soon became a twelve-hour car ride sandwiched around a boggy hike and an electrical storm.

Soaked, we ran the last 50 yards through the woods with our bags stuck to our backs. Courtney was fast and nimble, clipping along the underbrush like a fawn. When we reached the car we stuffed our gear in the trunk, climbed in the front seats, stripped, patted down and dressed in dry clothes pulled from an old duffle bag, things we hadn't worn since college -- our "hippie" stuff complete with rips, tears and frays.

I remember thinking, even as we were dressing, about wanting to write about the experience, to talk about the changes we were going through, the new faces we were adopting during the early hours of our "professional" days. Thinking back now, I'm sure I went home and scratched something in a journal then stashed it away.

Now, fresh from our most recent encounter with lightning and wilderness, I find myself wondering exactly what it is we're completing in this life. I feel we're both living through a shared lifetime we've never experienced in other lifetimes. And the arrival of this new person -- that tiny life growing inside of Courtney -- is a part of this newness. In one regard, the baby is a culmination. In another, a beginning.

Walking with Courtney up the hill in the hail, I realized -- her hand heavy, her pace a yard behind mine -- that I wasn't exactly dragging her along, but I was definitely helping her. In that awareness I knew that if lightning were to strike her, I'd much rather be holding her hand than otherwise. If the surge was going to go through one of us, I'd want it to go through us both.

We sat for a while in the car and watched the hail, listened as the thunder got farther away. Courtney was panting, laughing and flashing the same smile she flashed that day in Newport, the one that says, "Holy shit, that was close. Now let's drive."

Happy birthday, Baby.

Bliss, Coconut - Chocolate

Dave found it.

A Boy?

Got something resembling a cold this week. Sore throat, stuffy breathing and very tired. The loss of appetite and fatigue reminded me of first trimester.

But feeling better today and baby is kicking up a storm. You can actually see my belly move and a mug of tea resting on my belly can easily get kicked off. I wonder if baby's sudden energy has to do with me feeling better or Dave and I acknowledging for the first time that baby could actually be a boy. Hmmm.....

At the coast this weekend and having a craving for Coconut Bliss chocolate ice cream, Holy Kakow chocolate sauce (warmed) and some sort of marshmallow substance in the bowl. But this is all being denied to me because we're on the coast where the local Safeway had no idea what I was talking about when I called to inquire.

25 Weeks 1 Day

Wow - check out how much I've grown from four weeks ago!!

Prenatal today. Prenatal today without Midwife Kelly because she's moving on January 3rd. I had a feeling she wasn't going to be there for the birth and that's okay. I find what I'm most disappointed about, besides having a friend move away, is that we'll be missing the prenatal classes she was going to hold with us.

Dave and I haven't really talked about how we'll supplement the loss, but I feel we need to do something, and this something will probably happen on our own.

I've audited three childbirth classes and don't want to sit through another. And honestly, it would be even below Dave since he knows so much about childbirth already.

Didn't have much to catch up on with the ladies since four weeks ago. Things have been going great. My fatigue disappeared with the iron and my stress with the adrenal support.

I told them about my tooth staining because of pregnancy and we talked about how the world of dentistry is so far behind on the implications of mouth and pregnancy (except my dentist who totally gets it).

I mentioned my back tightening when I don't do yoga and that I've got an appointment with a new chiro next week - someone who can be called in for my birth if things get stuck.

We did have a great discussion about what I want during labor. This isn't a question that would normally be asked of most moms, but since I have the training they asked at what point do I think I want them to step in and help with pushing. We all agreed that it's so hard to know when to let a mom do her own thing and when to step up and become really involved with directions and such. As an apprentice I've struggled with wondering if I was abandoning mom by letting her be on her own or if those were my own abandonment issues I was projecting.

I want support. If I didn't want support I would have an unassisted birth. I mentioned how I already have a hard time telling what's going on down there and during pushing everything is going to be a mess, so having guided pushing with someone's fingers in my vagina will probably be really helpful for me.

I do want to give it a go on my own first, but I think it's going to take me a long time to figure out how to actually push, so why waste the precious energy for too long of a time. I am open to the help.

Since we were on the subject I mentioned that instead of sutures if I tear, I want to use Nori. Luckily Lori has experience with that, so that will be great. I saved the rest of my labor requests for another time.

Mama and baby vitals:

Weight: 139.2 (27 pound weight gain)

pH: 7.0

BP: 107/74

Pulse: 90

Position: Baby proved once again that baby doesn't like to be palpated. Both midwives had to have a feel before they decided that maybe baby was oblique (diagonal) and baby was probably head down and on the right.

FHT: Again, it took two midwives to find the heart rate with the fetascope. By this time baby was all excited and riled up, so the heart rate was 150's-160's.

Fundal Height: 27 (I think. I know it was more than my weeks.)

WooooW

Two really great things happened yesterday (before and after the strange work situation) that have made me feel so light and happy this morning.

The first is that I had an energy session with Donna (of the Bob and Donna team). We worked on clearing the congestion between my liver and spleen that may be a reason for my consistent waking up in the middle of the night.

When I got home from the session Friends Dan and Stacy sent me a pregnancy pillow in the mail. Now, I always thought these were a bit decadent and that my body pillow (Joey the Brain) was just fine. Two days ago while working with my postpartum family, she had a pregnancy pillow that she was using for breastfeeding and I thought that seemed like a nice thing to have.

My sleep was amazing last night. Now I think it's from the energy work first and the pillow supported those changes. I was able to sleep on my right side and actually have my arm around Dave, something that was too uncomfortable before. Then I was able to, without fussing and rearranging, move to my left side. But the biggest change of all is that I was then able to sleep on my back comfortably for many hours, without having to readjust everything under my knees.

Even better than all that great sleep I got (10-6 with just 1 bathroom break) is that I wanted to stay in bed after I woke up and just lay there all snuggled and feeling safe. Since the beginning of pregnancy I haven't been able to just lay in bed and hang out. It's like I need a change of state or something, which explains why I have to fall asleep on the couch. This morning I laid there for 30 minutes, just hanging out between sleep rhythms.

I could see where if I was a little taller, the pillow wouldn't work as well - but it really is an amazing tool to have and I plan on buying this for all my newly pregnant friends. Love it.

And so this morning I've woken up feeling really light and happy. The work situation is something that isn't even bothering my right now. I'm going to ignore her email and I feel good about that decision.

As friend Stacy said to me: "The email is a parting shot of negativity from a negative place. I think the vibe there is, "Well, she thinks she's too good for us, so fuck her."

Strangely, about an hour after I wrote the last blog post I got a call from a midwife there. Apparently a midwife was recently fired out of the blue and her friend, the one calling me, wanted to know if she could give her my number because, "she doesn't have the strength that you have nor the ability to see the big picture and she's upset by all this. I think it would help her to hear how you were able to be a positive part of a bad experience there."

Isn't life funny. As Trisha would say, "Wooow. I mean, right? Woooow."

Strange

So - Having finished my final shifts at the birth center and declaring today that I felt really free from that place, I got an email from my supervisor. She said I:

~ Left blood on a bottle of lotion (that's bad)

~ Didn't do the dishes (for some reason I thought doulas didn't have to clean up after midwives)

~ Left wet laundry in the washer (nope, that didn't happen for sure)

~ Put the portable toilet away in the wrong place (okay)

The second paragraph of the email was in reference to me trying to find a replacement on Tuesday night for my second room cleaning in a row. The apprentice who called me in asked me if I was able to come in for the room clean (she knows that the cleaning is hard on my body) and I told her I was going to look for someone else. When I called her back to tell her it was me who would be cleaning she said that the director "flipped out" b/c I was trying to find a replacement. She and I rolled our eyes at her ignorance as to how common it is for us doulas to try to find replacements.

In the email I was told that my shifts are my responsibility and that I must to do the work even if I "don't feel like it." That pisses me off because I made it clear why I had to go on early maternity leave and room cleaning was number two on my list.

For the first time ever in my life I feel like not responding to this email (which didn't ask for a response). I'm always one to respond and communicate - which is partly ego driven and partly a need to be open with feelings.

I also feel like burning that bridge - something I've never done in my professional relationships. Throughout my careers I've always kept ties and this has always been important to me. But this time I want to never see or speak or hear another word from them.

And here's the strange part: After reading through the email from the birth center (which should have been a conversation, but my supervisor is young, lacks communication skills and self-confidence) I open a facebook email.

This email is from a higher up smart guy I used to work with at the last consulting firm I was at. He was wondering if I would be interested in joining an independent team he is putting together for a local company - I'd be the project manager, it would go through March and possibly longer if I wanted it to and they are apparently a fun group who work from home.

I'm flattered, to say the least. I took my last management job as a way out of the company I worked at prior where I was too involved and unable to discover what I really needed to be doing in life. So I took this consulting job and coasted through it. I managed my projects well, but on my own personal scale I would say I worked at half level. So it's really nice to be invited to join a team as an independent contractor.

And this has been my dilemma that has been building up inside of me for a few months now. I love the clients and the actual hands on work I do with the birth center families. I could care less about my skills at folding sheets, washing dishes and making beds (apparently I'm not good at any of those things).

I didn't start out the job feeling this way, but lately I've been feeling like it's way below me. Not the actual client part, but the rest of the crap I have to do. And it's because I'm not able to contribute there and make changes - I'm not a part of anything there, I just show up. And that is not in my nature. I've never been respected there and I don't respect the place in return.

So here I am being given unprofessional feedback about a crappy $12/hour job while in the same instant I'm being offered the opportunity to lead a team for $50 - $100/hour and I can't help but think the birth center can just go screw themselves.

I feel snotty when I think about it this way b/c I signed up to fold sheets, roll towels and make beds, in addition to caring for new families and babies.

And that's all I have to say right now...

Why Doesn't Spell Check Know the Word Doula

Last week of work a the birth center and so far I've been called out for every shift, which rarely happens. On Monday I worked with a sweet mom who lost too much blood. That meant that she fainted on me twice while trying to stand. The first time I had to leap to catch her (awesome while 6 months pregnant) and the second time I was prepared. I also ended up almost falling into the bathtub twice while trying to clean it.

During the day I walked into the midwife's kitchen and into several midwives talking about other midwives. I got to be reminded why I don't like it there and how they can't imagine doing anything differently than the way they did it. So nice to be leaving.

The great thing that came out of the long and tiring shift was that the mom who lost too much blood hired me on as her private postpartum doula. I love going into people's homes and helping with their new family.

They are from Taiwan and I'm getting to learn all sorts of interesting postpartum cultural traditions. For example, eating pig liver, feet and parts of the face for 30 days is considered optimal recovery food and not taking a bath during that time is vital to a new mom's health.

So yesterday I worked with that family at their home all day, then got called into the birth center as soon as I got home to my family. This was a transport situation, which means just a room clean, little blood and pretty easy. I still didn't want to do it, tried finding a replacement, couldn't, and went in to do the work.

On call tonight and hoping I can stay in my bed all night and not go into work.

After work on Monday my back was so tight. I think I've mentioned before how, when I don't go to yoga for a few days, my low back gets so tight it's almost painful. Well that happened after a long day at work and cleaning so I asked Dave to rub me.

Thinking I was being clever, I made a nest of pillows on the bed to try and lay on my belly. I didn't have any pressure on my abdomen and it felt comfy. After 15 minutes I suddenly got really nauseous, my mood turned foul and I was so uncomfortable everywhere. I'm guessing that had to do with laying face down, which I won't ever do again. Promise.

Even the next morning at yoga class I felt nauseous and was not able to enjoy myself. And remember that growth spurt I had last week? Well, getting in and out of lunges is a bit difficult now.

I really need to start swimming laps. I know I've been saying this for about 12 weeks now, but I have to start making it a priority. Realistically, after X-mas I can probably work it into my schedule once a week and I think that will help with the low back stretching. Usually, you use your abdomen muscles to really stretch the low back, but obviously I've got a little something in the way. So swimming seems like a good alternative.

And chiro appointments. There is a chiro that we used to bring into births when baby was a little stuck. I'd like to start a relationship with her now, to help my low back and make sure everything is lined up AND to have her on my list of people to call if needed during the birth. I'll just be paying for this out of pocket, so I'm dragging a little.

Baby has been hanging out in my uterus like it's a hammock. Very cute. It feels like baby has gotten much bigger and is starting to take up more uterine space. I also have the sense that baby, at least at this time, doesn't like to be palpated. So I haven't been feeling the borders of my uterus or trying to guess the position of baby. Just gentle massage every night.

4 am

Good morning 4 am. While sleeping downstairs I hardly know you, but upstairs you like to call me awake. Why is that? I'd love to meet 7 am, she seems like a lovely time to wake up.