At 18 weeks I've decided that I'm no longer going to pursue ways to increase my milk supply. Though I'm continually getting hooked into whatever someone offers that I haven't tried, I know that when I think about letting it go I feel stillness.
I pushed to the end of my rope with the miscarriage before I let go, I got to the end of my rope with the labor before I let go but this time I'm easing back early on the breastfeeding front.
Why doesn't my body want to make milk? Under everything, that is the ultimate question. I think the answer lies 5 years in the future.
Lazadae is well nourished by mamas all over this country. She is thriving and happy and there is far more to her than her biological needs. In my own unique way I am breastfeeding her and in her own unique way she is accomplishing some part of her path through this.
And I'm learning to let go. And I'm learning to stick with something that makes me sad and uncomfortable rather than walk away as I've done with nearly everything else in my life. I can't run away from this and I don't want to either.
This child of mine has taken me to my breaking point on many fronts. I thought I was prepared for her birth, but she took me down another path I never even once considered was for me - even in all my studying and birth experience, I never put myself in that place. She has led me to places inside of me that I never thought I'd have to face. But I am facing them.
Being a mama has transformed me in ways I never thought. My innocence is gone. My trust has grown deeper and been shattered at the same time. I now love with a much more open heart and clearer eyes. I can't believe how grateful I am every morning to wake up next to her. In the middle of the night I sometimes wake up to fix the blanket around her 13 pound body and just stare.
She is beautiful. She is pure love and life. And I am honored to be her guide through this life.
