The Past 2 Weeks

In 2 weeks I cramped for 28 hours hoping I was only passing a twin and that I still had a baby, was told my baby died, grieved for a week on the couch, was informed via facbook that 2 people were ending their friendship with me because of facebook, did everything I knew how to do, had my credit card number stolen, contemplated a major life change, racked up hundreds of dollars in medical bills and got a speeding ticket.

And I'm still trying to do everything I know how to do.

Again

Got back from my ultrasound. Seems like I have passed nothing more than I did two weeks ago. That's bad news. The good news is that there are no signs of infection.

My midwives consulted with the hospital and the staff wasn't concerned. The hospital said these things could take time and as long as I monitor my temp 3 times a day and it's not increasing (along with other signs of infection) then I am okay. That is interesting, and new, news for me to digest.

All this has made me tired and cranky. I'm going to bed and will decide about what to do tomorrow.

I feel like I'm going through this all over again. Just a mini version. But maybe not that mini.

The Woodpecker in the Bedroom

Monday and Tuesday were interesting days for me. I came to an understand about what is happening in my body that I can't quite put into words. Let's just say I made profound peace.

Concerned about a possible very early sign of infection this morning, I started thinking about the next step - Cytotec. Not sure what was going on and very grateful that I was seeing my midwives at noon today, a woodpecker started pecking above both our bedroom windows. An omen to say the least. An Internet search revealed this about the woodpecker:

When a Woodpecker totem enters your life,
it indicates that the foundation is there and it is safe to follow through.
It will stimulate new rhythms.
It reflects a wakening of new mental faculties.

You may be so wrapped up in mental and spiritual activities
that you've neglected the physical.
Listen to your body's rhythms and sounds and heed what it is telling you.

The Woodpecker is sacred to Zeus, God of Thunder,
and the oracle of Mars (Ares), God of War.
Shamans can ride the drumbeats of the Woodpecker's rhythm
into another dimension, space and time.

I understand this as a nod from the universe to move forward with the Cytotec.

Our meeting with the midwives was great. We discussed options and ranges of normal and next steps. A bi-manual exam revealed that my cervix is soft, fairly effaced and 1 cm dilated. This means my cervix is favorable to complete the miscarriage and that's not what is holding everything up. My uterus didn't feel like a pre-pregnant uterus nor did it feel like a 9-week uterus. This means I still have stuff to get rid of.

As my one wonderful midwife said, "It's time to shit or get off the pot at this point", which is why I love my midwives so much. And I agree. I'm ready to be stop carrying this energy around.

I'm going to get an ultrasound today so they can measure how much "products of conception" are left inside. The doctor who I went to for my first ultrasound during my actual miscarriage is out of town, so I have to go to a medical clinic which is costing us $300. I'm trying not to pay attention to that part of my process.

Depending on what they tell me there - and they will talk directly to me since my midwife told them that I was also a midwife - I will probably take the Cytotec this evening.

The hope is that the Cytotec will ripen my cervix enough to create the receptors in my uterus to start cramping. It's the cramping part that I am missing, everything else is ready to go.

My other midwife is going to consult with the hospital midwives to see if I should also take another drug, one that is given for abortions, to help speed things up.

So that is where I am at this moment. It may take several rounds, spaced at 12 hours apart, for this to work. If it doesn't, we'll talk about the next steps.

Oh, and regarding the very early possible signs of infection - all seems well at this point.

Still Waiting, But Not For Long

I've received a lot of wonderful care from friends and family through this process. I can't thank everyone enough - flowers, visits, food, thoughts, healing, phone calls.

This has been much more difficult than I could ever imagine. Certainly the hardest thing I have ever been though. And it doesn't get easier day by day, it just changes.

I'm still bleeding everyday. It's been 3 weeks since my baby died and 2 weeks since the start of my miscarriage. I'm going to see my midwives on Wednesday so they can check my uterus and feel if it is still at 9 weeks. I'm wondering how much tissue my body has absorbed and if I've passed more clots than I know of.

After that I am probably going to take Cytotec, to help complete this process. I may also get another ultrasound before the Cytotec to see exactly where I'm at. The ultrasound depends on what my midwives find by bi-manual exam.

So that is where I'm at. I'm mostly depressed and don't want to leave the house, but being in the house makes me sad and demotivated. When I get to focus my attention on someone else I am a much happier person. Today I am focusing my thoughts to get back into school work and studying, which I'm hoping will provide a good distraction.

Miscarriage at 10 weeks

On Sunday, April 11 I started miscarrying my baby. I cramped and bled throughout the night for 26 hours. Dave and I went in for an ultrasound, hoping that I was passing a twin and I still had a viable baby I could carry to term. When the doctor told me my baby died at 9 weeks, I stopped cramping and haven't started since - that information wasn't for me. I still have much more to pass.

This has been a hugely emotional process for me and Dave. With every day I am able to release my protection and holding to this baby's spirit and let go. Some days I am uplifted, some days I am angry and today I want to go shopping to make myself feel better.

We spent Monday through Friday at home, surrounded by friends, energy and this wonderful altar pictured above. The pink candle is for Baby Azu-zu. I spent hours staring at it trying to will it to break. Then I realized it was me that needed to let go.

I've worked my way through herbs to help start labor and received acupuncture treatments and energy work. I've come to terms with not being pregnant then loose those terms the next hour.

On Wednesday morning I had a dream that I gave birth to my baby on the floor in my home office. My baby was skinny, had the red skin of a premature baby and was beautiful. I felt my baby breathe and then stop. I held him face down and rubbed his spine like I have seen so many midwives do at births. I asked him to stay and told him I wanted him here. He started breathing again but in those first breaths I knew he wasn't meant to be here. So I told him he could go, that I understood.

I don't really understand. I do know that my baby knows more than I do about divine timing and now just wasn't the right time. I accept that. What I'm trying to accept now is that I'm not pregnant and I won't have my baby in November.

So I'm not pregnant and I'm not preparing to ovulate. I'm waiting to complete my miscarriage.

It has been a blessing that I didn't have a three hour miscarriage on Sunday. It would have been too much for me to process; the pain, the denial, the grief and the hope. This time has allowed my to heal and honor my process. But I'm ready now.

I struggled with how to move about my normal life while I wait for my miscarriage. I think it's a matter of accepting this as a temporary part of my life. I'm bleeding and waiting for cramps. This is something I've been doing since high school, it's just this time I don't know when it will happen.

I'm going to wait for as long as I can for my own body to let go. When I can't handle this emotionally anymore, or if my body shows signs of infection, then I'll take Cytotec at home to help speed the process.

Cytotec is a pharmaceutical that has several uses. Midwives carry it to help with postpartum bleeding. In my case it will start cramps and dilation. It's not a guarantee, but since my body is already sensitive to what's happening (I am having occasional cramps and continual bleeding), this should work.

When I think about why I want this to complete, it's so that I can get pregnant again. That doesn't feel like the right reason. I don't want to have to work at getting pregnant again. I feel it will happen again and soon. This is what I'm trying to keep in mind.

Cold Sores and Pregnancy

I first got cold sores in 5th grade and was sick on the couch for over a month. The primary outbreak is always the worst. Ever since then I would get a blistery mass of crap on my lips every few weeks until 1999 when I discovered the remedy that worked for me.

In my last year of college I tried this treatment, which won't do anything for the current outbreak, but it will prevent further eruptions:

At the onset of any tingling, take twelve Kyolic garlic capsules, then take three every four hours (while awake) for three days.

So eleven years later I get my first cold sore again. Herpes hangs out in your nerves and becomes permanently incorporated with your cell DNA - it can never really be cured. For whatever reason the garlic is able to suppress it for long periods of time. But with pregnancy, all bets are off.

During pregnancy you are inherently under more stress because of all the physical and emotional changes you are going through. Couple that with a particularly stressful day or perhaps a poor diet and out comes the cold sores again.

I'm trying the garlic treatment again and hoping it works just as well as it did in college. Man I hate these things.

My New Relationship

hi - this is moe, mostly known as satchel, but frequently referred to as chop, choppy, mochop, moe-chop, mo-chippity, mo-choppity, and less frequently as Jake and laRoy.

so...like....yeah....this is me and woman on the couch. i'm in charge of, like, keeping the baby warm. also, when the baby is born and, you know, acting all fussy and such, i will, like, coo the baby to sleep with my sleep breathing because, you know, it will, like, know my sleep breathing from its 9-month stay in what i like to refer to as "the dark pond."

ok - la'ate