Tuesday, June 29, 2010

LadyFinger Broody Again...

...Does that mean I'll be pregnant soon? Since her brooding habits have never been isolated from my own fertility cycle, I'm hoping this means one thing...

I must say I feel much more prepared for pregnancy this time around. And then I wonder if I'm fooling myself. When I was sick, everyday felt like it was piling on the last one and I just couldn't get out from under the weight of nausea. Even though I worked with women experiencing the same feelings of not being able to make it in early pregnancy, and even offered them advice, I wasn't prepared for my own experience.

This time around I feel like I understand the possibilities of what might happen and mentally I'm more ready. But like I said, am I being delusional?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Vitality Soup

Last week I was feeling so low. My life force, chi, vitality - all of it - was diminished. The smallest everyday stress would make me so very very tired. So I made a plan to call back my spirit. And it worked.

The main thing for me was yoga. I won a scholarship at The People's Yoga (you just have to show them that you make no money) and committed to attending Hatha Yoga 3-4 times a week.

I started enjoying gardening. It's something I haven't enjoyed since I majored in it in college. I'm not quite sure how this happened, I think it might have been me knowing that we aren't moving or my need to nurture life, but I'm out in the yard 2 or 3 times a week rediscovering our rock garden and pulling weeds while Maji is on rat duty.

I made vitality soup. I threw in a bunch of marrow bones, veggies and the following herbs:
Dong Gui - 2-3 slices
Astragalus - 3 slices
Codonopsis - 1 root
Da Zao - 2-3 dates
Ginger - 2-3 slices
I recommend this soup for anyone feeling low, though I never actually ate any of it because the layers of fat from the marrow bones grossed me out (you can skim and then dilute the stock into an actual soup). The act and intention behind making it made me feel good. It's now sitting in our freezer.

I started back at studying. I have a new casual approach to it, following my energy and spending quality time reading and learning. Currently I'm studying lots about twins because I have a sense I might have them. My hope is a single baby, but if it is twins then at least I'll be a little more prepared.

I've been trading for weekly Shiatsu massage and am I loving it! If you've never had Shiatsu massage, try it out. Unlike regular, boring massage, Shiatsu includes your energy system and has a much lasting effect than muscular massage for me. Shiatsu is firm touch along energy channels over your clothes.

Tomorrow Dave and I are having a Breitenbush day trip. Ahhh - a full day soaking in the healing waters and sun of the forest. Plus it will be my tattoo's first day out (it's been three weeks).

As part of my vitality kick I've been sprouting beans and almonds. Just like Shiatsu massage, if you haven't done this, look it up and try it out. Soaking your beans and nuts in water calls in the energy and completely changes the nutritional content of your food. It makes it easily digested and super healthy for your body.

The almond component means I'm now making sprouted raw almond milk. This is now my favorite food on earth. Leaving the almond pulp in, this is a complete meal for me. I feel amazing after drinking it and can't get enough.

I'm working with a homeopathic doctor to help heal and strengthen my uterus for my next pregnancy. We've also formulated a plan that will carry me into my next pregnancy and help my body maintain a healthy pregnancy.

Just like last year I've been absorbing the calmness of sunshine in the front yard. I love our front yard - it's the only poop free grass we have and it doesn't gross me out like our back yard. I sit out there and read, lay in the grass and, most recently, we have nighttime fires out there that attract all the Burning Man kids in the hood. We've even begun crashing other people's back yard fire pits.

I'm back to drinking medicinal herbs for my uterus. I alternate between oatstraw for vessel strengthening, raspberry as a uterine tonic, red clover for fertility, nettle for kidneys and dandelion leaves for all around health.

All this has been great. In a little over a week I feel like a new person. But it hit me hard last Saturday at a potluck when someone said they heard I was pregnant. I wasn't prepared and I got that feeling when someone jumps out from behind a door and at the same time this cracking open of the ribs that I have never felt before. It made me so sad to feel my body remembering my pregnancy.

I spent the conversation reassuring the woman who asked and telling her it was okay. I told her that I want to talk about it because part of the problem is that this doesn't get talked about. I said all those things and I meant them, and then I did my best to hold back my tears at the dinner table.

Grief doesn't fit nicely in a box. We don't get over something after a certain amount of time. Weeks can go by and we feel fine about what happened, then a trigger occurs and you feel it all over again.

My tattoo has been a wonderful help for me. When I'm sad I look in the mirror at it and it's like looking at a picture of a lost loved one. I feel closer to that experience in a really good way. I never thought, only hoped, that this is what would happen when I committed to the foreverness of the tattoo.

Poetry Reading at The Press Club

Dave had a most amazing poetry reading on Thursday. Great crowd, well-known poets and some members of Fishtrap were there. It felt like a big night to me.

I recorded two poems but am unable to upload them to this blog b/c of their size. So instead I've included the last two poems Dave read. These were the two poems people were talking about afterwards. Go Dave!!


MOANS AND MOMENTS

My neighbor stands in the rain and yells at his garage light
that it’s not raining. You see, the light blinks in code whenever water
hits the bulb. It’s been blinking all night. No one knows what it’s saying
except his daughter who swears it says, I love you.

Some nights there really is no rain when it’s raining, but the light blinks
anyway. You don’t know that the rain wasn’t rain until sunrise when,
even if the sky slumps pregnant on the ground, any buckets left out
overnight are dry.

My neighbor’s wife, asleep, moans in their house. Their daughter moans
at the same time. There are three moans really, because
his wife also moans in her dream, though only she and the man
in her dream hear it.

The daughter’s up late watching a movie on a three-inch screen in her hand.
She also writes on that screen, and because of spell check she can’t spell.
Once she left a note on my door. I had to ask what it said. To her, words

are characters bunched together that mean nothing. What matters is emotion,
and you can’t spell emotion, you can only sound or show it. Her mother
shows emotion for the man in her dream with her moan, and even though the man
in her dream isn’t real he knows this emotion. He’s a composite
from pictures her mind took all day when she wasn’t looking.

But her moan is real, and almost convinces the man he’s real too.
Out here, where everyone is awake but her, she doesn’t know
her moan is mixing with the rain that some of us don’t think is falling.

I know about the moan because I’m awake listening to her husband
tell the light it isn’t raining, even as the mist collects on his head.
Eventually I’ll go to bed. I’ll make up my own people. When I wake
I’ll walk outside into the wet fuzz my neighbor says isn’t rain, but rather
calls a veil that separates us from other sides of ourselves.

He likes to share his philosophy about the veil over beer on nights
when the rain is so soft you swear the stars and moon are out. It’s like this:
when you dream about a man you’ve never met, it’s not that he doesn’t exist,
it’s just that he doesn’t exist here. You’ve slipped through another life.

That’s how it rains when it doesn’t, how a girl can watch movies on her phone
and be the emotion of the moan she’s moaning, and a woman can moan
in her dream and her sleep, two moans at one time in two places. Everything,

he says, is the same moaning moment. That’s why buckets stay dry in the rain,
how stars and rain can be out at once, how light cuts through so fine a mist
that you’re sure the mist wouldn’t exist without it.



THE FATHER AND SON

The turnpike, the Northeast Extension, the Schuylkill express
to Philadelphia – whatever he called those roads, they all meant hell
to my father. If he could have gone his whole life without driving them
he would have been fine. When I was 12 there was a monthly drawing

in Atlantic City for a million dollars. You had to be there when they pulled
your name to claim it. Up to him we wouldn’t have bothered, but one time
I said the right thing, flipped his switch and convinced him to throw
another five-bucks in the tank for a four-hour, pre-dawn ride to the shore.

His knuckles were blanched wrapped around the wheel, from the semis,
yes, the minivans on either side, the retreads that bounded and bounced,
but from the day of week just the same, the week and month and entire year
that he’d been out of work, laid off from the plant that hired him fresh
from the Army, where he’d worked up to an office and desk in the back.

Forty-years-old, and he suddenly didn’t know what he was doing
with his life, was saddled with three sons all in various shades of his likeness,
a roof that leaked, a swimming pool in the yard that did the same and no idea
how to make it go, find a job and be the father who said the right thing.

So we drove in silence, no radio, just the hum of tires and heavy sighs
he made when someone passed too tight to the car, all the way
to New Jersey. Still morning when we arrived, we ate omelets at a place
near the boardwalk and held that same quiet until I started talking
about whatever drifted in my head. I told him everything about girls,

how you can actually smell sun in their hair, and after a while
they start to shave under their arms, and you can’t grab their legs
at swimming parties unless they let you, and some even let you swim
between their legs but then close their knees when you’re half way
so you know they can drown you if they want. And sometimes clouds

take on shapes not by accident but because they’re angels that follow you
around, and on the ride I saw Jesus, beard dyed white, blobs of sky
for eyes. I taught him the right way to drink cocoa, to let the whipped cream
melt like an island going down then sip slow because every island is unique
and when it’s gone won’t come back.

Finally we walked to the arcade, entered our names and waited until
they pulled the winner. We didn’t win a thing that day, but drove home
with the windows down, the radio loud, and had enough gas and sunlight left
to head straight to Lake Winona, where I pointed out

that the smoothest stones that really skip across the surface get that way
after years of being rushed with water. If you grip one just right, give it
a good flat flick, it’ll bounce all the way across.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

No Joseph

So Dave didn't get the job as Executive Director. This makes me sad. Though it would have been very difficult to leave Portland, I felt the work would have been worth it.

I'm most sad about the midwifery experience I won't be getting. Having the opportunity to work under the midwife out in eastern Oregon would have changed the way I practice to such an extent that it would have changed who I was.

Not being able to work with her leaves me feeling shrunken. I'm disappointed that now I have to find an ordinary apprenticeship and practice like every other midwife in this city. And blah blah, I know it won't be like that, etc, etc......I'm just sayin'.

And though it seems this dream must end
I say to you, you're still my friend.
I think I found you a bit too soon.
I shall return upon another moon.
And then, shall stake my backyard claim,
and know thy name....

...is Yosef."

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Tattoo Language

What is the word for pain at the end
of a tattoo artist's gun? After an hour
of work on your right shoulder you still
don't know.

You're one long grin on the table, then
some grit when he shades purple
around the circle that means belly, then around
the other circle that means womb.

Only when he draws the tight black spiral
that means baby - and not the body
of the child but the spirit that flew away - that's when

a single tear starts down your face, but before
it drops, dries on your skin.

-Dave Jarecki

Saturday, June 5, 2010

April 6 - June 1

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My Timeline: It Really is Over

April 6: The day I've decided that Azu-zu died (in retrospect). It was the day I started spotting in my 9th week of pregnancy.

April 9: Panic that my baby died. Reassured by positive pregnancy test, Dave and a nap.

April 11: I start miscarrying with cramps and bleeding and discover fetal tissue in a small clot I pass.

April 12: I stop my cramps during an ultrasound after losing hope that I have a viable baby. I don't want to really be having a miscarriage.

April 26: I decide to take Cytotec and force my body to have a miscarriage.

April 27: I opt to not to take Cytotec and make the decision to love and honor my uterus instead.

April 28: I have a bi-manual exam that shows my uterus still enlarged and my cervix 1 cm dilated, effaced and soft. A second ultrasound tells me I hadn't passed anything more during the past two weeks.

April 28: I consider taking Cytotec from a more loving place.

April 30: I start a series of homeopathy that significantly changes the way I view my miscarriage.

May 4: I feel my body ovulate and think I must be crazy.

May 5: Dave tells me he thinks I'm ovulating.

May 15: Dave and I go out together and enjoy NE Portland. I experience the first good day I've had since April.

May 16: Bleeding bright red and was awake for several hours cramping. Passed no clots. This confirmed our sense of ovulation - must be my period.

May 19: All my bleeding stops. I hate myself because I haven't passed any clots.

May 20: Medium, bright red bleeding after six hour car ride to Joseph, Or.

May 21: No more bleeding but I like myself a little more.

From April 11 - May 21 I tried the following natural remedies and treatments to encourage a miscarriage: Blue Cohosh, Black Cohosh, Cotton Root Bark, Angelica, Pennyroyal and Tansy, Sepica, Silica, Lutetium, Ovunium, Arnica, Pullsatilla, Raspberry, Black Haw, False Unicorn, Lobelia, Wild Way, Shamanic work, Acupuncture, Shiatsu, Reiki, Cranial-sacral, Pelvic Floor work, Chiropractic care, massage, vaginal steam bath, letter writing, dance, breath work, intention, visualization, ritual and prayer. I think I'm missing a few.

May 25: Blessing from Amma.

May 26: As I lay down to sleep for 90 minutes during an overnight shift, I realize I'm done with my miscarriage.

May 26: The next morning a midwife friend takes one look at me and tells me she thinks I'm done with my miscarriage. I tell her I made that decision as well. A bi-manual exam from her reveals a 9 week uterus (still!) and a closed and firm cervix. I declare to all my friends that my miscarriage is over regardless of the enlarged uterus. I am done!

May 27 - June 1: I begin a new life free of worrying about drinking two beers in case I hemorrhage from a miscarriage. I start charting again. I ignore my increasing bleeding. I write letters to friends thanking them for their support. I feel done and have ZERO thoughts about a miscarriage.

June 1 (8 weeks after Azu-zu died): I pass Azu-zu while mopping the kitchen floor. No cramps, no pain. I find Azu-zu wrapped around a small clot. The body is a bit smaller than a grain of rice, completely smooth except for the notch where his neck and head are. A perfectly curled being. I have no more bleeding and we bury his body in our Jade plant.