April 9: Panic that my baby died. Reassured by positive pregnancy test, Dave and a nap.
April 11: I start miscarrying with cramps and bleeding and discover fetal tissue in a small clot I pass.
April 12: I stop my cramps during an ultrasound after losing hope that I have a viable baby. I don't want to really be having a miscarriage.
April 26: I decide to take Cytotec and force my body to have a miscarriage.
April 27: I opt to not to take Cytotec and make the decision to love and honor my uterus instead.
April 28: I have a bi-manual exam that shows my uterus still enlarged and my cervix 1 cm dilated, effaced and soft. A second ultrasound tells me I hadn't passed anything more during the past two weeks.
April 28: I consider taking Cytotec from a more loving place.
April 30: I start a series of homeopathy that significantly changes the way I view my miscarriage.
May 4: I feel my body ovulate and think I must be crazy.
May 5: Dave tells me he thinks I'm ovulating.
May 15: Dave and I go out together and enjoy NE Portland. I experience the first good day I've had since April.
May 16: Bleeding bright red and was awake for several hours cramping. Passed no clots. This confirmed our sense of ovulation - must be my period.
May 19: All my bleeding stops. I hate myself because I haven't passed any clots.
May 20: Medium, bright red bleeding after six hour car ride to Joseph, Or.
May 21: No more bleeding but I like myself a little more.
From April 11 - May 21 I tried the following natural remedies and treatments to encourage a miscarriage: Blue Cohosh, Black Cohosh, Cotton Root Bark, Angelica, Pennyroyal and Tansy, Sepica, Silica, Lutetium, Ovunium, Arnica, Pullsatilla, Raspberry, Black Haw, False Unicorn, Lobelia, Wild Way, Shamanic work, Acupuncture, Shiatsu, Reiki, Cranial-sacral, Pelvic Floor work, Chiropractic care, massage, vaginal steam bath, letter writing, dance, breath work, intention, visualization, ritual and prayer. I think I'm missing a few.
May 25: Blessing from Amma.
May 26: As I lay down to sleep for 90 minutes during an overnight shift, I realize I'm done with my miscarriage.
May 26: The next morning a midwife friend takes one look at me and tells me she thinks I'm done with my miscarriage. I tell her I made that decision as well. A bi-manual exam from her reveals a 9 week uterus (still!) and a closed and firm cervix. I declare to all my friends that my miscarriage is over regardless of the enlarged uterus. I am done!
May 27 - June 1: I begin a new life free of worrying about drinking two beers in case I hemorrhage from a miscarriage. I start charting again. I ignore my increasing bleeding. I write letters to friends thanking them for their support. I feel done and have ZERO thoughts about a miscarriage.
June 1 (8 weeks after Azu-zu died): I pass Azu-zu while mopping the kitchen floor. No cramps, no pain. I find Azu-zu wrapped around a small clot. The body is a bit smaller than a grain of rice, completely smooth except for the notch where his neck and head are. A perfectly curled being. I have no more bleeding and we bury his body in our Jade plant.
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