To Do List

(...with a nod to Kelly T...)

What Has Been Done:

• Rug purchased for baby space
• Rug pad purchased so dogs will actually lay on rug
• Cedar chest moved to Dave's poetry office
• Filing cabinet moved from poetry office to garage
• Dresser unpacked and filled with freshly washed baby clothes
• Crib put together
• Outlet installed to plug in light in baby space
• Electrician called to check out wonky wiring upstairs
• Bedroom crawl space checked for black mold (slight moisture, nothing too concerning)
• Holiday cards
• Baby shower invites
• Cradle put together

What Needs to Be Done (short-term):

• Filing cabinet in garage filled
• Shelves hung in Dave's poetry office so we can put bookshelf in storage
• Shelf hung above dresser
• Shelf hung in laundry room
• Last week of work at birth center
• Finding a place to throw away all the packaging garbage

A Little Bit of Everything

Baby likes belly massage. Baby moved right to my touch again last night. It's such a special feeling, like when a dolphin comes to the edge of a pool and wants to be your friend.

Davey is feeling better. His turnaround was yesterday and as long as he rests this entire weekend, I think he'll be fine.

I had a belly growth spurt that coincided with a huge eating binge a few days ago. Sometime over the afternoon on Wednesday last week my belly got wider. On Thursday I was feeling the weight increase on the top of my pubic bone. The body is so amazing.

Around this time is when a lot of pregnant women start to notice bleeding and inflamed gums from hormonal changes. I haven't had anything like that, but what I have noticed is that my teeth now stain more easily. After drinking a simple cup of tea I'll have stain around my gum line that sometimes I can't brush off. I feel like it's from my iron supplements, but it's odd that it didn't happen when I was taking iron during the miscarriage. I am going to the dentist next week, so we'll see what he says.

Did I mention my mom got us a crib and matching dresser? Having matching furniture for the baby is really important to her. I remember how much she loved my matching dresser, end tables and bed when I was young. She and I had to leave that furniture behind when we left my father (we could only take what we could pack in the car) and I think that's why it's vitally necessary to her that baby have this stuff.

The dresser is awesome and will make a nice changing station upstairs. The crib is beautiful, but a little too showy for me. I wanted something simple and natural, but those pieces were about $200 more than the "antique cherry with curved corners" set.

I was definitely on the fence when it came to a crib. Was I really going to use it or would it be laundry storage? In the end I decided to go for it because I wanted a place where it was safe for me to put baby down for a nap, away from edges and Maji's tongue and every baby that sleeps in their crib seems to really like their crib. It's their space and when I'm babysitting them they often ask for it.

Next week is my last week at the birth center and I'm on call 60 hours. Hoping I don't get called in at all, but if I have to be, hoping it's during the day.

The week after that I start a new babysitting job with a new practice baby. I'm starting to feel stress about that because I won't be able to wear the baby (belly too big) and last I checked with the mom, baby was only sleeping by wearing baby down. I could try putting baby on my back if they have the right carrier. Walking is always an option for babies who need motion to fall asleep, but it's December and this is Portland, so it's probably going to be rainy and unhappy outside.

Baby, Baby Daddy

As part of our childbirth education we're reading The Birth Partner out loud to each other. Last night in bed, as Dave was reading, I was massaging my belly in slow circles with oil. I felt the effects throughout my body and it was nice.

Then I felt baby move to the front of my uterus, as close to my hands as possible. I could feel almost the entire outline of baby's body and feel him or her pushing toward my touch.

I don't think I can adequately describe how this makes me feel. It was the first time I was able to feel a conscious decision from the baby to be near me. Baby wanted to feel my touch and be close to my energy. So far, this has been the most amazing part of pregnancy. I'm so honored to be carrying this spirit to our world.

In other news, Dave is sick with a lung/chest virus, which we're hoping doesn't turn into pneumonia. It's been two years exactly that Dave last had pneumonia in both his lungs. Lungs hold grief and this is also the time that Azu-zu would have been born. Coincidentally, Dave has been having intense father dreams, so I believe the two are related.

Two years ago his pneumonia began the same way this illness has - as something in the chest. This year around his birthday (11/18) he got really depressed about turning 35 and even before that had some anger around work and life and scheduled obligations. This moved him into a serious funk and he went to see Bob and Donna, some great healers we work with. They put him on homeopathics and did some energy work, and that is probably what has stirred this up in his lungs.

Currently, Dave is on the Vitamin A protocol, drinking lemon, ginger and cayenne tea and taking it easy (which is really hard for Dave to do). This morning I've got him steaming his lungs with pine, lemon and eucalyptus and keeping his kidneys warm.

Because we're handling this early, and Dave has great energy and feels relatively good, I think we can head off the pneumonia (it's part of his constitution).

Send healthy lung thoughts please.

Circles

Doesn't that rug just scream baby movement?

Maternity Leave

Put in my notice at the birth center yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn't as liberating as I hoped. They first asked if I could stay on until they hire and train someone. Since that averages 3 months, I said no. Then they wondered if maybe I could work through end of January for the day shifts.

I reiterated my reasons why it was time for me to be done with the work and they said they'll have problems filling the schedule. So, reluctantly I agreed that after this "2 week notice" if they get rid of all my overnights, I'll work with them on seeing when I could fill in the gaps in the schedule.

What I am trying to remember is that by leaving the birth center I'm opening myself up to greater work possibilities and releasing my stress around that job - even if it means I'm still scheduled for the time being.

Dave

Relaxin and Such

Starting to recognize my hips loosening up and things moving more fluidly. Hmm, maybe fluidly is too positive of a word because eventually it's going to feel wonky and unstable in my hips and already feels like too much motion.

It's odd, it's not like in yoga I can suddenly stretch in ways that I never could before. It's more like a sensation that the way I can move my hips is now different.

Last night and this morning baby was moving so much. And I would know since I've been awake since 3 am. The movements felt near my cervix and almost electric. After awhile I thought I had a stomach ache only to realize it was just active baby. I love feeling baby move. It really makes me so happy.

Today I'm having a whiny day. I want Dave's company, a fire and to sit on the couch all day. I've become attached to Dave lately and am gearing up to miss him while Satchel and I visit a friend in Washington for three days. Anyway, today I'm not getting any of it. Going to babysit instead a precocious 5-year old (which I learned Maji is much like a toddler) while her parents become enlightened.

This morning I realized that all Dave and I talk about is planning for the coming months. I can't even remember what we used to talk about. And then when we have the baby all we'll ever talk about is the baby. I'm getting tired of it and if I'm getting tired of planning I can only imagine how much talking and thinking about it I'm actually doing. Going away for three days should help that situation.

The writing studio has really consumed us lately. Struggling with the unknowing of our permanence in this house and the unknown of an increased monthly budget cost and with me making no money for awhile. Can this really be feasible? Ohhh how we want it to work out.

Palpation

Not only did I feel baby somersault yesterday, but Dave and I were also able to feel baby's head and leg last night. So tiny in there. I don't have a word to describe how I feel about this. It's a cross between excitement about meeting someone you've always wanted to meet, pure bliss and complete anticipation.

20 Weeks and 5 Days

I love my midwives. All of them. They are so great and lovely. What a blessing.

Prenatal recap:

~ Baby is as big as a $5.00 loaf of artisan bread. That's so adorable.

~ I've been feeling way tired lately and know that anemia has been setting in. They gave me the green light to start taking iron (for some reason I thought you weren't supposed to take it before 28 weeks).

When I got home I cracked open a bottle of Floradix and it tasted like nectar from heaven.

Floradix is great because if your body doesn't need iron, it tastes like crap. That was my experience when I tried it last year. When I started taking it during my miscarriage it tasted good, like something I needed. But this time I got that overall body tingling and started to cry thinking about how wonderful the taste is. So obviously it's a good choice for me right now.

~ Mentioned that I started taking Adaptocrine for adrenal support. That night with the horrible family at the birth center totally drained me of everything I had and I haven't been able to recover.

~ I've had a tiny, external hemorrhoid since I got pregnant that I didn't much care about until it started getting bigger recently. I've been treating it with witch hazel (topically and homepathically), rutin and oatstraw, but I've only been able to reduce it down to it's original size.

Kim mentioned that may be something I have to just start to love and accept, but then remembered that chiro or acupuncture care can also help. Since I've been thinking about going to a chiro on a regular basis around 30 weeks, this will work out great.

My fear with the hemorrhoid situation is that it will A) get worse as I keep growing and B) get really really bad when I'm pushing baby out. It's not something I really want to deal with postpartum.

~ My BP was pretty much the same as last time: 110/72. Pulse 80. Uterus measuring right at umbilicus. Heart tones heard with fetascope - I think 130's - 140's. And I weigh 130 pounds even. Which means I've gained 18 pounds.

Time Time

I've been feeling really overwhelmed really easily lately and I just realized it's because I'm pregnant, not because I'm going crazy.

Time has been on my mind a lot. I'm a planner, like to think ahead and I'm not a last minute girl. November feels like a month off (though not really) for me and then I'll be super busy again working with a new practice baby (he's 5 months old). That leaves January and February fully available for preparing for the baby since I want to have March free to sit around, read and tie up loose nesting ends.

It would probably help to make lists of things I want to get done. That's a start. But really the day to day things that come up become a little anxiety producing and I'm hoping this phase doesn't last too long.

Writing Studio

Ok, I'm coming around to the idea of trying to afford a writing studio for Dave. It's something he's always wanted and I know it's something he needs.

My main concern is actually how long we will really be in this house and would building something like that be worth taking out a line of credit on the house and financing the deal? I'm guessing we would need to be here at least 3 more years.

The idea excites me. Dave can have his own private space, I could move my office into his bright, sunshine current office and we could have the guest room stay the same but with a writing space for Dave in the house. That leaves the entire upstairs as sleeping space for baby and us. The guest bedroom can also function as a second play area.

Anyway, we're having a contractor come out hopefully this week and give an estimate. This feels like a huge deal.

Work Not So Fun

I'm getting tired of working at the birth center. At this point it's count down until maternity leave, which is whenever I decide I guess.

I've scheduled myself only one, sometimes two, night shifts a week and one or two day shifts, but I only seem to get called in for the night shifts. Really! I haven't worked a day shift in weeks. But every week I find myself working one or two overnights.

And the state insurance, which covers midwives 100%, has changed their policy on birth centers. Where they used to cover a two night stay, they now require that, if mom and baby are stable, they must be discharged within four hours after the birth.

I can't even begin to tell you how stupid this is and I am continuously wondering why families aren't just staying home. I can't imagine packing up and getting in a car four hours after a baby came out of my vagina.

And the hard thing about this for me as a doula is that means I'm discharging families in the middle of the night. This then means that I spend the next four hours cleaning a room. Cleaning up bloody messes is not fun at 2 am, not to mention the fact that I'm a lot freaked out being alone in an old Victorian home that is haunted. This is a lot of work.

As if this wasn't yucky and crappy enough, last week I worked with a dad who I felt unsafe with. It was overnight, his domestic abuse issues came out during the birth and continued throughout his overnight stay, by him refusing to leave the birth center, refusing my presence in the room and refusing my help with mom who was having breastfeeding issues.

By morning, after I caught them trying to sneak out of the birth center without a car seat, and he told me I was trying to trick him and he didn't like my attitude, I called in another doula because I felt unsafe. She was going to bring her husband as well.

In the end, he tricked me and ran out with his baby and wife and no car seat. After my initial shock I was glad I didn't catch him, because what would have happened? I already made him mad and I was afraid of him.

What amazed me was how quickly during my shift I changed my behavior so I didn't make him mad. I've never been in a situation like that before and for the first time got a taste of what these poor women go through, desperately trying to always keep their partner happy and calm.

At one point in the morning, before the car seat incident, he went outside to go to his car. The front gate was locked and I was nervous to meet him in the courtyard and unlock the gate in case he was mad about the delay. I didn't want to be in an enclosed space with him. So I waited until he came into the kitchen to get me and I pretended I hadn't noticed him leave. He wasn't mad, made a weird comment, and followed me out the door.

Creeps me out just thinking about that night. And that night has left a sour mark on my perception of work and I just don't want to do it anymore. And so I'm off to work tonight.

Getting the House Ready

Every time I make a big baby move, like register or my mom buys us something I get a little anxiety that I'm moving too fast, and what if things don't work out. I'm happy to say that each time this happens it is less than the last time.

My mom called today to say she was placing the order for a crib and dresser. After my initial excitement, I got worried. I mean a crib and dresser is the real thing. It's furniture that sits out in the bedroom and waits for baby. And I'm only 20 weeks.

But the feeling went away and that was nice.

Dave has been feeling a little overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that is about to enter our space. We've spent our lives together trying not to accumulate and now we're in the biggest accumulation period we've ever been a part of - and he hasn't even looked at the registry yet.

I understand how he feels. Totally. And I understand his feelings of crowdedness when he thinks about having to give up his second office upstairs for the baby space. Though it's funny to joke that Dave has a poetry and a writing office, it really is where he goes to work on his creative stuff, away from the work pressure in his downstairs office.

Dave wants to build a writing cabin in the yard. That's not actually a possibility. So, I've drawn up a plan to move some furniture out of his second office to make room for the cedar chest, I bid on an awesome 7x10 area rug for the middle of the bedroom, and we'll make that space the baby space.

Really, it makes better sense anyway. The middle space of our bedroom is essentially used as a hallway now, but is big enough for a crib, dresser and play area. Plus it's closer to our bed - not that baby will be sleeping in the crib at night for awhile.

So I'm warming the space up. I plan to hang a thick blanket on the wall behind the crib to keep the draft out, the rug will be a nice add and I can find some holiday lights to invite in a nice glow. A perfect baby space! Yay me.

Not Woman at My Birth

In need of a friend to be in charge of the pups and take pictures during the birth, I asked Kelly, who said yes and is super excited.

A perfect fit really, Dave has known that Kelly would be at the birth even when I was pregnant with Azu-zu. I could never figure out how that would happen since she is grossed out by babies and pregnancy and never wants kids. But when it comes to my baby and pregnancy, she's totally into it.

It's a perfect fit really. Satchel, who calls her Not Woman, loves her and Maji and Kelly had past lives together, so it works perfectly. She's an artist and that frees up her schedule quite a bit and she can take pictures. She can even do a load of dishes here and there.

Yeah - so excited to have Kelly there. Plus, as she said, it gives her something to look forward to as she waits for her Lyme Disease to get out of her body.

Why Men Fly Into Buildings

A poem by Dave.

The Tribune’s survey asks me to rate my sex life on a scale

between Puritan and Gomorrah. I choose Protestant,

defined here as being in a committed heterosexual relationship

with someone of a similar ethnic profile.

Down the page I encounter the word docking, a sex act

between two men where one inserts the head of his penis

into the foreskin of his uncircumcised partner, which gets me

wondering why the only word for being uncircumcised

is uncircumcised, which is like saying uncut or unaltered, yet

there is no word for the fact that we come into life intact,

fully skinned, normal, which is how my wife and I

refer to our son when our families ask

why we didn’t circumcise even if it meant denying

various Bible passages and covenants not to mention

a pre-Victorian medical slit, where the doctor rolls back the skin

to cut around the base of the nascent newborn tip that sticks out

like the tiniest lipstick without its cap.

We wanted to save him the pain of bunk science that speaks

of preventing diseases, many of which are listed

in the twelve-inch column adjacent the sex survey, two pages

over from the story about a man who flew his single engine Cessna

into an IRS building because his wife left him and his business closed.

If someday my son flies into a building, crashes

into the office window of a mid-level federal employee,

a depth psychologist may suggest his aggression went back

to the nursery, some recessed anger because his penis was unlike

his circumcised father’s, leaving me with the image of my son

loading the cockpit, nudging up into the sky but staying low at the horizon,

squaring the nose of his bird at a steel and concrete edifice

built well before he was born.

The Man at 18 Weeks

My gut warbles like I gargled

and swallowed the salt. My feet ache.

I raise them. Propped on pillows,

I take pumice to my toes. I’ve callused

over like the goldfish crackers

in the bowl in my lap. Each fish

has a smile and a little blinking eye,

the other eye wide open. They wink

and smile when you eat them. I eat

handfuls at a time. Outside there is wind

and little children dressed like Eskimos

in the rain. The wind is getting harder.

The goldfish swim around my stomach

until they become one giant goldfish

swimming around one round bowl of flesh.

It wants to look out through my skin

at the noise of the children and wind.

Its nose kicks against my liver.

It wants to see what I see, what it’s like

out here in the light. I want to know

what the fish’s dark float is like. I run

warm water in the tub and lie under water

until my ears fill with bubbles.

- Dave

Fetascope Heartbeat

I haven't tried to hear the heartbeat with a fetascope or palpated my uterus since before my last appointment. This morning I woke up and thought it was time to listen and fairly quickly I heard baby's heartbeat!!

I'm excited that I was able to hear baby AND excited that I'm developing my fetascope skills, which have always caused me to silently panic when it was my turn to listen to other's bellies.

Haven't felt movement since the last time, but thought that maybe, during yoga yesterday morning, I felt the bubble releasing sensation again. I think soon enough I'll be feeling taps and pokes consistently.

I've also been making lists of baby stuff we want. My mom already bought us a stroller (BOB) and she's going to buy us a crib and a dresser. I was always a little ify on the crib situation, but realized that I want somewhere safe to put baby where baby won't roll to the floor and Maji won't lick baby awake. I realize that it will be a long time before baby will probably use the crib for naps, but having it all set up will make me feel settled and ready.

Amy took me to Babies R Us last weekend, which was very brave of her, and it ended up being quite fun. My east coast family has begged us to register there so they can easily buy us stuff and ship for free, so I figured why not.

I've never registered for anything before and it was a hoot to walk around the store with the scanning gun and scan items. I tended to request items we'll need later down the road, like plates and cups and 9 month old clothes.

I also realized that you do need stuff for a baby. Blankets, bottles, diapering systems, something to put the baby in so you can shower, burp cloths, slings, garbage cans to keep puppies out of shit, toys......crazy. And I really want one of those glider rockers :)

I've been dying to get to the mountain this month before the rains come, so on my day off from practice baby, I'm taking the dogs on a little hike. Yeah for fall in Oregon.

Baby Movement

I, for sure, felt baby move last night. A little poke poke on my left side.

And I weigh 125 these days.

16 Weeks and 5 Days

Hello October 13th and our third prenatal. Today found me happily declaring to our midwives that I was no longer going to die of starvation or indecision. I've been able to decide things on my own for several weeks now and food is no longer an issue.

Some topics we chatted about:

My headaches have gone away after a chiro appointment (was leaning my head forward because of additional weight and my eagerness to look ahead was showing up.) But I am waking up with headaches in the middle of the night that go away by morning. It feels like when you wake up after a night of drinking feeling like you're going to have the worst headache, only to find yourself perfect come morning.

I thought maybe it was dehydration, but it didn't really make sense since my pee is never concentrated and I drink throughout the night. Lori felt it could be low blood sugar. And though I don't feel hungry, perhaps I am. But why would it resolve on it's own and why can I actually fall back asleep? Kim thought perhaps circulation. At any rate, it's not something that concerns me, just an oddity of my pregnancy.

I mentioned how busy I've been with birth center work, being a temporary nanny and having childbirth and doula clients. But it's the perfect time for all that to be happening.

I told them that I felt that my uterus is growing larger than my 16 weeks, mostly in height. Sometimes it feels at a 20 week height to me and sometimes I can't find the fundus (top of uterus) at all. But overall the width of the uterus feels right on with 16 weeks. Lori felt it and agreed that the fundus was higher, more along 18 weeks but thought that overall it was growing at a pace that was normal.

They also said that the 3 different times I thought I felt the baby move was probably the baby moving. The first time was at 15 weeks and I felt a bubble releasing inside my uterus. The next times was at 16 weeks and 2 days when I thought I felt a poke on the left side and then a few minutes later on the right side I had that same bubble feeling. Yeah baby!

I mentioned my new love of grapes and was told that grapes are a great blood builder. And isn't that perfect timing since my body is busy making lots of extra blood!!!

My pulse was 82, which is again high for me. I think as the appointment goes on I get more and more excited and this raises everything. My blood pressure was 106 over 72 or something like that. I'm going to have Dave check my vitals a few times at home just to see if it is because I get all excited talking about baby things when I'm with the midwives.

And my pee pH was 8 again. I was all excited to tell them that I figured out it was the legumes that caused a high pH last time only to remember that I ate 13 bean soup last night, so my pee was affected again. Not that it really matters, but it's certainly a curiosity to me.

Lori wasn't able to hear baby's heartbeat with the fetascope and I didn't feel it was necessary to use a Doppler. I feel confident that baby is growing and healthy and I wanted to feel myself decline the quick fix of the Doppler. It felt good to have real confidence again in my body's ability to do what it needs to do.

An Update For You

It's been awhile.....I've been feeling really good and just living my normal life, with occasional naps between doings.

Work has been busy. I got a temporary (my favorite kind) nanny gig watching a 4 month old boy named Gus. I love doing the nanny thing for babies because I get lots of good ideas from moms. Baskets of burp cloths in the living room - brilliant. (If anyone wants to buy me some baskets, I'll need them for toys, diapers and now burp cloths).

I've also been working lots at the birth center. I dread, like you wouldn't believe, actually going to work, but once I'm here it's usually fine. Last night was probably my hardest night ever. I worked all day as a nanny, had a few hours of rest time at home, then came in to work overnight.

Happily, I am friends with the family that just gave birth. Unhappily, they were wired and needy and I didn't get to lay down until 3 am (on the floor mind you). And then I was up about every hour with them. So I'm operating on about 2 hours of sleep.

Dave is, as I type this, making me GF french toast with bacon. My plan is to eat and then get about 4 hours of sleep. After that I'll pick up a Moe's Meats order, inventory it, then rest again until his buyers come for some meat. Dave is also making city chicken tonight and then he's going to give me a massage.

Because of the nanny work (8:30 - 4:30) I haven't been able to get to yoga class in six days and my body feels like it's falling apart. My legs ache from a walk around the block and I'm suddenly aware that I have a lower back.

Speaking of body aches - shoes. WTF? Suddenly I have no shoes that are actually comfortable for walking. And this Gus baby likes to walk. It basically feels like my feet used to be callused and now they are gone and I'm left with a thin layer of burning skin. Plus the bones in my feet hurt. I'm told wait four months to really feel it...

As for the baby, I have been trying to find the heartbeat with a fetascope nearly every night, with no luck. It's still kinda early and I'm not very skilled at finding it on my own anyway.

I had a moment, at 15 weeks, when I thought I felt the baby move. It was at night and it happened as I was turning over to my side, so it was a little confusing. It felt like a sudden bubble, in my uterus, releasing. I haven't felt anything since.

Dave has been super busy as well. Lots of work and workshops and he's handling it well. He is enjoying most of the business work that is coming at him and the workshop groups (4 of them) are really great. He's also reading at Wordstock this weekend, quite a big deal.

Satchel and Maji are enjoying practice baby (Gus) and both getting used to baby in their own, unique ways.