Pants

As of my last meal (goat yogurt and blackberries) I can no longer fit into my Just Jeans. I am officially onto maternity jeans. Some larger size pants still fit.

In This Photo: 11 Weeks 3 Days

See, my regular clothes are already tight. I was really wanting to break out the larger sizes, but I felt like I was being too eager.

Throughout this pregnancy I've not wanted to "get ahead of myself" and be too pregnant. But then I talked to a friend who started wearing larger sizes at 6 weeks and I felt comforted.

So I washed and put away my clothes that don't fit and broke out some bigger sizes and maternity clothes. It feels nice.

Craving!

Yes, I think I had what I could call my first pregnancy craving yesterday. I was in yoga class and got the idea that New Seasons should make me a turkey sandwich with swiss and mustard on sourdough bread.

I considered leaving class as it started, but thought that would be silly. I should have left. I spent the entire class being miserable and hating it. AND THEN, the teacher had the nerve to do savasana not at the end, but before a 15 minute meditation. I nearly died.

I was unhappy until I got to eat my sandwich (with a pickle). The big news of all this, besides it being my first craving, is that I ate gluten. Ohh that bread was as soft and fluffy as angel food cake.

Dave was disappointed that he wasn't there to watch me eat the gluten-full bread but I was in no position to delay my craving any longer.

10 Weeks 2 Days

It may not look like a huge change, but we see it. The tummy growth is not my uterus, simply extra weight that I'm storing away for breastfeeding - it's all part of my plan.

Though I mentioned earlier that I really felt the baby settle in, I still can't help but worry and wonder - How do I know I'm still pregnant? That happened yesterday, so we took this picture to make me feel more pregnant.

I have my next prenatal in two weeks and I plan on having them use the Doppler to listen to the heartbeat. At first I was anti, because why expose baby to ultrasound waves with a small handheld device just so I can listen to the heart rate? But I need the reassurance.

The daily napping and waking up sick just isn't proof enough for me. It could be residual hormones. So rather than wait until week 16 when we could hear the heart rate with a fetascope, which produces zero ultrasound waves, we're going to hear it soon. And then hopefully not use the Doppler again until labor.

Practice Baby

I got to babysit for an 8 month old boy named David Eliot J. In case you're missing it, I'm married to a David Elliott J as well. I attended his birth. It was second in a row of three over a weekend in December. His mom called at 1 am on a Friday to let us know her water broke, which was just as we midwives were sitting down after another birth we attended all that day and night.

David's was a fast birth and he arrived 20 minutes after I did. It was a good lesson for me because I didn't have the ritual of setting up the birth room, taking vitals on mom or even charting. By the time I got there, everyone was already in their place. I grew fidgety because I wasn't sure how to ground myself until Molly, the 4 year old said, "Why don't you hold the flashlight." I thanked her for giving me something to do, stood by her with one hand holding the light on mom's bottom, the other wrapped around her little waist.

I haven't seen little David since his last 6 week appointment until yesterday. He was a little confused as to who I was when he woke from his nap, but he soon cuddled into the ergo as we walked from his house to my place.

Maji was beside herself. She was so excited that I brought a baby to her, a baby that was all hers! Satchel was, for the first time ever, curious about a baby. When there have been children or babies in the house he stations himself on the couch and refuses to look. This time he was wagging his tail and peeking behind my legs.

We learned a few things with practice baby in the house:

1) Maji will probably be great during labor and then as soon as our baby exits my vagina, she'll freak and be unable to control her urge to lick the baby. We might have to assign someone the job of restraining her. Not sure how that is going to work.

2) We could use the dryer in the laundry room as a changing station downstairs.

3) We need an area rug in the living room.

4)Satchel will need some acclimation and explanation as to why the baby is allowed in the bed.

After a few hours at my house, I walked back to baby's house and put him to bed. Then he woke up and cried for an hour straight and wouldn't stop until mom's magical breasts came home. After that I emailed a lady I had been talking to about a 30 hour a week nanny job and told her I changed my mind about watching a baby that much.

Practice baby is good in small doses.

Bar Stool Genes

Heading out to a fiction reading by Dave and it being cold in Portland this summer, I went to put on my favorite pair of jeans. But opps, they're a little too tight already. Since I'm not a girl who likes to be uncomfortable in her clothes, I decided not to try to squeeze into them. A bit disappointed that I didn't get one last wear, I put on my "Just Jeans" that are no longer saggy-assed, but rather quite form fitting.

Out we go to a pretty cool art bar where, with my new sized booty, I overshot the slender bar stool and nearly fall over backwards as I try to sit down.

Pregnancy is like one long discovery.

I Feel Pregnant

On Monday I felt the baby settle in. It was kinda like baby has been floating around in there like a cork, which actually is what is going on, but all of a sudden baby dug in and is officially staying. It was a really weird feeling and a few hours later Dave said, "You've reached a new level of pregnancy, I could tell."

And for the days that followed I've felt pregnant. Consistently. I'm also less exhausted than I have been in the past few weeks, though still very tired. And I'd even say I'm feeling a little less nauseous. I've also developed indigestion for the past two days, which sucks, but is very common. Yesterday I even had about 45 minutes of super focused concentration that I put to good studying use.

What else? My belly is big and it has nothing to do with my uterus, which is still neatly tucked and well-flexed back inside my pelvis. All my weight gain goes to my boobs first, then belly, then face. Dave said my legs are starting to change, but I'm refusing to notice that. My backside is definitely widening out as well. I'm waiting for my hair to suddenly grow long and even thicker. And what about my skin glow? Wonder when that will start happening.

Even though I know that stretch marks are all about genetics and nutrition, I couldn't help myself and bought some Mother's Special Blend stretch mark oil, which I use after every shower and a cocoa butter stick that I try to use at night if I can stomach the smell of chocolate all over my body. All that moisture application hasn't prevented the skin on my boobs from being continuously dry, flaky and peeling. But at least I know I'm doing that best I can with that.

My yoga tank tops are a little too short on me already, what with my large chest and growing belly, suddenly I'm wearing a top that shows off my belly button. Classy. And I must admit that I am getting excited about wearing maternity clothes.

My mother works with a young girl about my size who is through having kids. So she sent me 4 bags of semi-trashy, semi-cool maternity clothes. Some of the clothes kinda reminds me of what Nancy Botwin wore on Weeds when pregnant, minus the mini-skirts and heels. The other clothes consist of more jeans and sweaters and black pants than I currently own now - so I really do have a whole new wardrobe waiting for me. But no yoga tank tops.

Another One

I think they've been going to roommate counseling together to work on their relationship.

This is Odd and Blog Worthy

Look! Maji and Satchel spooning. This NEVER happens. Satchel likes his space.

Thanksgiving in August

I like turkey. When I eat it, I kinda feel altered in my consciousness. So I ordered a 14 pounder and we had Thanksgiving in August.

The picture to the left is before the actual turkey caught on fire (a common occurrence when we grill one of those). It still wasn't cooked yet, but Kelly couldn't help herself and picked and picked.

Cranberries could not be found, frozen or fresh, in August, so we had fresh from the garden beet salad. White mashed potatoes (my new favorite meal), cornbread stuffing and pumpkin pie. It was great. I drank so much sparkling water I felt hung over this morning.

Entering a Time

So, I'm entering the week of my pregnancy when my baby died last time. I can't say that I have anxiety about it or feel it in my bones, but I have had increased dreams about blood and I do check the toilet paper for blood more now when I go to the bathroom.

A part of me feels that, "if I can just make it through the next 3 weeks, I'll be golden." And while that is completely arbitrary and doesn't mean anything, I can't shake it. And that's okay.

I feel like the next few weeks will go by slow and I want to find some activities to keep me busy and occupied. Perhaps a renewed energy for studying? Some hiking with the pups?

My First Prenatal

Well, I had my first prenatal yesterday and it was so much fun getting to sit on the couch rather than be the one with the chart asking the questions.

The appointment lasted 90 minutes (usually it's an hour appt) but we were talking shop and getting caught up with each other. Dave was a little bored and was having some hunger issues, but it was so nice to have him there. Plus, as a midwife I know how hard it can be for some dads to engage during the appointments. I imagine it can be a little overwhelming to be a guy in a room with 4 other women talking about birth and pregnancy.

Had my blood drawn and I must admit that I am quite proud at how dark and healthy my blood looked - no anemia there.

As of today I'm somewhere between 9 weeks and 7 weeks plus 1 day.

A One Time PTSD Event

On Tuesday I convinced everyone that my baby was dead. I was 100% positive I was correct and I'm not someone who ever thinks she's 100% about anything.

On Monday night (8/9) I woke up to a part of myself saying, "something's not right" over and over again. I tried to ignore that feeling all day but had the familiar anxiety from last pregnancy about miscarriage.

I noticed my breasts were not as firm or tender throughout the day and after dinner every single one of my pregnancy symptoms were gone. Everything! Literally, the haze of pregnancy, which for me is like an awful sedative drug, lifted and my vision cleared and my thoughts weren't agonizing over every little thing I had to do. I had joy when eating, food tasted good and I made immediate decisions about what I wanted to eat.

After dinner I shared with Dave that I thought something was wrong and by the time we got done watching two episodes of Weeds (we're re-watching from season 3) I told him I probably wasn't pregnant anymore.

All my dreams that night were of the non-pregnant variety. Every day during this pregnancy I have a dream about the last movie I've seen (I've been watching a lot of stuff since it's the only activity I really enjoy). I have my movie dream. Wake up to use the bathroom then continue with the movie dream where nothing ever really happens and it's all clouded over in a fog. But that night I had real dreams with people and things happening that weren't repeated.

My only reassuring pregnancy sign was that my basal body temperature hadn't gone down, which indicates you're losing the pregnancy. I explained that away by saying that I was awake for several hours during the night and I was emotional, so my temp was artificially raised.

I laid awake in bed until Dave opened his eyes and I told him straight up that our baby was dead and I wasn't going to get pregnant anymore because I can't keep opening myself up to life only to have tragedy enter.

I was disconnected except for tiny windows of anger. Really I felt nothing for the spirit of the baby or myself. I was just hating life.

As a test I didn't eat anything after dinner or immediately upon waking the next morning and I wasn't even nauseous. It was over 15 hours of not eating. I think that convinced me that I wasn't pregnant because there is no way you can starve a pregnant body without it getting sick. I just didn't think it was possible for me.

For a second test, I went to my morning yoga class and wasn't sick at all. Not even a little bit. That right there was also a huge sign for me that my body was about to miscarry.

Throughout the day on Tuesday I was my total normal non-pregnant self. I scheduled an ultrasound with the same ND's who performed my first ultrasound with Azu-zu. It was 4 months, minus one day, that we were last in the clinic for an ultrasound.

The midwife, who was very open about not knowing how to use the new ultrasound machine, brought the baby up on the screen. Okay I thought, it's still whole because it hasn't been dead long enough to break apart.

She says she sees a heartbeat, I tell her I don't. She zooms in and there is the little heart, beating so fast. I don't believe it. How did this happen? I look over at Dave and he's rubbing his head against the wall, smiling like he's on Ecstasy.

I was confused and in shock and wanted an actual heart rate. Sure it could be beating now, but maybe it's a slow beat because something is going wrong. The midwife is unable to quickly find the heart rate, says she should have done more training with the new machine, and I loose it.

For me, I don't think ultrasound is 100% safe. It's an unproven technology used prenatally, just like X-rays were, and when every cell division matters, why risk it? So here I was telling myself the baby was dead and now I sent the midwife out of the room because she was making me uncomfortable with a technology that I never wanted to use in the first place. All I could do was put my hands over my face and cry until she left the room to get the other doctor.

Dr. Ed came into the room, I still had my face covered and went to shake my hand. Just sensing him and not seeing him I grabbed his hand wrong and we grasped palms and he said, "You're okay. The baby's okay. It's okay."

I'm not a huge fan of this guy. I know him more than he knows me and he's a smart doctor, but has a huge reputation of just always saying one wrong thing to ruin your experience with him. He's the doctor that I always give a little warning to moms before they go to him.

And yes, he did end up saying something stupid to me during the ultrasound, but the way he grabbed my hand and what he said to me, will stay with me for a long time. It was just perfect. He knew what to do and everything calmed down for me after that.

And baby's heart rate is 142.

Team Lay Down

Maji is the captain, Satchel is the anchor and I'm between. We have Team Lay down at least once a day, and sometimes twice. LOVE IT!!!

ViVi Gets a New Color

Some before and after photos. Well, I guess after and before photos.

Lots of Thoughts

Between naps at Breitenbush on Monday I picked up a pregnancy book and under the Fatigue heading read:

A pregnant body at rest is in some ways working harder than a non-pregnant body mountain climbing.

As a former rock climber and a current pregnant body, I like that statement. And I've got to believe it's true.

Yesterday while studying about uterine prolapse, which is where the uterus can fall out of the vagina after childbirth (really rare for those wondering), I got a little queasy. This isn't a new topic for me. I've looked at the detailed pen drawing in my textbook of the uterus hanging out of a vagina and wondered about the color and odor and mom's reaction.

It wasn't until I got to the line about how the ovaries and tubes can be dragged to the center of the body as the uterus falls out that I nearly retched. And there I was, sick and nauseous for the rest of the evening. I was able to snack, but not able to eat my dinner.

Amazing how a thought can make a pregnant body loose it's ability to eat and feel normal. Yes, pregnant women are very sensitive.

Today I almost left my 7:30 yoga class. I just wasn't feeling very well. Super tired and queasy. I wonder if part of it was the string cheese and smoothie I ate before class (I was really hungry). By the time I decided that I should leave, I had 30 minutes of class left, so I stuck it out, skipping the last few poses and falling asleep. Perhaps it's time I tell my yoga teachers that I'm pregnant.

On a super positive note - my midwife friend Kelly is going to be on my birth team again!!!! She's planning on moving to the Midwest when her husband finds a job, but until then she's going to be at my prenatals. Of course I'm hoping she can stick around to April for my birth. I would love to have her there. And I think Satchel would like that as well.

Yes, I'm leaning more towards having the pups at the birth. Last pregnancy I didn't want them there. I felt Satchel would be too sensitive and Maji too invasive. But during the miscarriage Maji was so so helpful. She would stand in front of me and let me lean on her and hold her tight during contractions, then lay next to me between them.

I think as long as well talk to them enough about what it's going to be like, they'll do great. Plus I feel they would really want to welcome the new baby when we do. I picture Satchel staying far away during labor and then as soon as baby is born, he'll snuggle up in bed with us.

Ohh and! I haven't told my family about my pregnancy yet, but I did secure my brother's time to come out to visit during his spring break, which I think begins April 18th. If he makes it here for the birth, awesome. If he doesn't then he can take care of us for a week postpartum. I can't think of a better situation than that for this birth.

Making a Baby is Hard Work

The first trimester leaves most women tired and sick. The second trimester is a time of new body aches and pains and in the third trimester women can just feel the baby sucking every vital nutrient from their bones.

It's my 7th week and I've become more tired as each day passes. If I worked a regular office job, I would be able to do my work and nothing more. Luckily, I don't have that kind of life and I feel I'm able to get other things done as well.

I've noticed that I'm also loosing interest in food like last time. When I think about eating a PB&J or last night's chicken, it just has no appeal. But I'm trying real hard to not get sucked into the nausea cycle, so I'm forcing myself to eat.

Thanks to all the studying I've done on twin pregnancies, the literature has pounded it into my head that these women need to force themselves to eat in order to carry to term. While I don't feel that I'm having twins, that message has stuck with me and I'm trying to oblige.

I've had several instances of feeling pukey, enough where I pull out a cup, bag or towel from wherever I am just in case it happens fast. I haven't puked yet. Even though sometimes I wish I could puke because I think it would make me feel better, I know that would waste precious nutrients and calories that I need to keep inside me.

And the best news of all is that I've had no brain fog like last time. For all my tiredness and occasional nausea, I can push through and study or do laundry. Yeah for me.

6 Weeks Pregnant and Feeling Great!!!!!!

Soooooo......................I'm pregnant!!!

I knew that I was pregnant because I felt implantation cramps about a week after conception. And then the food dreams started rolling in. I only ever used to dream about food like this when I pregnant before.

The best dream was when I opened the oven and discovered a lasagna in there. "I have a lasagna in the over!" Lasagna is a good symbol. Hearty, strong and filling.

Dave also had a dream about my pregnancy and woke up knowing as well.

The strongest early pregnancy sign was that I had a triphasic temperature shift. I started taking my temperature as part of pregnancy planning and after conception my temperature rose in two shifts, which can only mean that your pregnant.

And of course we can't forget that Ladyfinger, my spirit chicken, started laying eggs again. A sure sign of pregnancy for me.

I took a test on July 16th before I drove out to Joseph to pick Dave up. He forgot that I was going to take the test and when he asked how my temperature was this morning and I told him I was pregnant he had a 7 second inhale. It was great.

The first time I told him I was pregnant I felt his body respond and this time I got to hear his body respond. A pretty neat difference.

I remember already starting to have food aversions a few days after my first pregnancy test. By the 5th week I was nauseous, extremely fatigued and eating a lot of cream cheese.

This time around I feel great. I'm eating everything to the exclusion of nothing, rarely tired and never nauseous. Why you ask?

Well, this is a different pregnancy and every pregnancy is different. I'm consistently practicing yoga and that makes a huge difference in my body and spirit when I'm not pregnant so I could only imagine how great it is for me during pregnancy.

I'm also never ever ever letting myself get hungry. As I've mentioned in other posts, it's a vicious cycle, you get hungry, you get nauseous, you can't eat. So this time I eat every few hours, even when I feel stuffed, and amazingly I never have trouble eating when I'm not hungry.

I've been wondering if I was so sick last time because something was wrong with the pregnancy from the start. And that just doesn't resonate with me at all. Or at least I don't want it to. My friend Stacy said that when her friend was pregnant again after a miscarriage that it just felt differently. And I have to agree that I feel different. I'm very grounded and present and sure of my role in this pregnancy.

So that's been interesting.

I'll be posting more belly pictures as the weeks go on. And yes, I am wearing pants and a long sleeve in the middle of July because it's been a strange summer here in Portland and I took that picture last week before the temps rose.

New Cute Things I Discovered About Joseph, Oregon

• In the town of Joseph lives 1 Buddhist monk who has built a monastery. There she holds weekly meditation and Dharma talks.
• One time a cougar was killing lots of cattle so the town of Joseph gave permission to everyone to shoot the cougar on any land. Well, the cougar was shot on the monk's land and she took the dead cougar and held a Buddhist death ceremony in the center of town. The ranchers were not happy.
• Wild sweet sage grows everywhere in the summer.
• Skinny dipping is welcomed on the local side of the lake, away from the tourists.
• The town isn't as dog-friendly as I would have liked (this is not cute).
• Tourists come in hordes to gaze at the mountains from their bus windows and visit Chief Joseph's grave site during the sunny months.
• You can set up camp on any forested land in the town of Joseph.
• The photographer to the Butthole Surfers lives part-time there. Did you even know they were still around let alone have their own photographer?
• The county is paid by the railroad company to park train cars throughout the county. Some locals are upset by this. Dave and I think it adds to the west lore.
• Every home in Joseph has a view from their backyard similar to the photo above. Isn't that freaking amazing???
• AND there are lots of people who don't even own keys to their homes.

Eggs

Ladyfinger, who hasn't laid an egg since the miscarriage, has started laying again. Since she is my spirit chicken, this can only mean one thing.....