Men of Midwives

Dave gave me this poem for Mother's Day yesterday that he wrote.

MEN OF MIDWIVES

There on the floor, a rumpled sheet of skin,

what can I do? Pick you up, make it go away?

Feed you words about pain?

You were not born of this disease of blood.

You did not inherit it, do not own it. It found you

one day behind the shed, behind

the bottling plant back of your house

where trains ducked in and turned around.

You were roller skating in pink shorts,

T-shirt, yellow hair twisted in a tail.

Your mother cried when you told her

because you were too young and the world

only grew harder.

She knew that pain but not your pain.

What is your pain like?

You tried to tell me once, said it was like sound

bending around light, but not quite, because sound

bent round light sounds almost good.

It’s like a scream twisted in fire, a steel rod

dipped in that scream and pierced through your side.

Your body hangs on a spit. You turn in the flame,

cook a faithless red.

What am I do to for you, midwife? I’m to sit

on the floor, bring you water, a damp cloth,

bitter root to chew.

I’m to hold the space of your gaze, the mirror

of your face. Crouch like a cat

as you breathe through the pain.

The Jareckiville Observer - A Sometimes Reader

I switched domains because right now my mother is unable to handle the little bit of insight into my life I have given her. This has been the case my entire life. Friends on here only. For now. And maybe that will change and maybe not.

I've been learning a lot about myself in these weeks of waiting. A lot about myself and my midwifery practice and my uterus. A lot of unexpected growing. It's almost always hard to grow like this and here I am again.

All is well in terms of completing my miscarriage. I no longer feel like I'm waiting for it to complete. It's more of a waiting for a natural cycle of life to come and go. These are feeling good.

Today

Today I feel good. The homeopathy I took over the weekend (secale and silicea) have really brought me back into my body - a good place to be to start some movement. My uterus is feeling achy in a build-up to cramps sort of way and I feel positively inspired from some books I've been reading.

Of course it is still hard, but I wonder what bends in our road will show us why this has all happened.

The Past 2 Weeks

In 2 weeks I cramped for 28 hours hoping I was only passing a twin and that I still had a baby, was told my baby died, grieved for a week on the couch, was informed via facbook that 2 people were ending their friendship with me because of facebook, did everything I knew how to do, had my credit card number stolen, contemplated a major life change, racked up hundreds of dollars in medical bills and got a speeding ticket.

And I'm still trying to do everything I know how to do.

Again

Got back from my ultrasound. Seems like I have passed nothing more than I did two weeks ago. That's bad news. The good news is that there are no signs of infection.

My midwives consulted with the hospital and the staff wasn't concerned. The hospital said these things could take time and as long as I monitor my temp 3 times a day and it's not increasing (along with other signs of infection) then I am okay. That is interesting, and new, news for me to digest.

All this has made me tired and cranky. I'm going to bed and will decide about what to do tomorrow.

I feel like I'm going through this all over again. Just a mini version. But maybe not that mini.

The Woodpecker in the Bedroom

Monday and Tuesday were interesting days for me. I came to an understand about what is happening in my body that I can't quite put into words. Let's just say I made profound peace.

Concerned about a possible very early sign of infection this morning, I started thinking about the next step - Cytotec. Not sure what was going on and very grateful that I was seeing my midwives at noon today, a woodpecker started pecking above both our bedroom windows. An omen to say the least. An Internet search revealed this about the woodpecker:

When a Woodpecker totem enters your life,
it indicates that the foundation is there and it is safe to follow through.
It will stimulate new rhythms.
It reflects a wakening of new mental faculties.

You may be so wrapped up in mental and spiritual activities
that you've neglected the physical.
Listen to your body's rhythms and sounds and heed what it is telling you.

The Woodpecker is sacred to Zeus, God of Thunder,
and the oracle of Mars (Ares), God of War.
Shamans can ride the drumbeats of the Woodpecker's rhythm
into another dimension, space and time.

I understand this as a nod from the universe to move forward with the Cytotec.

Our meeting with the midwives was great. We discussed options and ranges of normal and next steps. A bi-manual exam revealed that my cervix is soft, fairly effaced and 1 cm dilated. This means my cervix is favorable to complete the miscarriage and that's not what is holding everything up. My uterus didn't feel like a pre-pregnant uterus nor did it feel like a 9-week uterus. This means I still have stuff to get rid of.

As my one wonderful midwife said, "It's time to shit or get off the pot at this point", which is why I love my midwives so much. And I agree. I'm ready to be stop carrying this energy around.

I'm going to get an ultrasound today so they can measure how much "products of conception" are left inside. The doctor who I went to for my first ultrasound during my actual miscarriage is out of town, so I have to go to a medical clinic which is costing us $300. I'm trying not to pay attention to that part of my process.

Depending on what they tell me there - and they will talk directly to me since my midwife told them that I was also a midwife - I will probably take the Cytotec this evening.

The hope is that the Cytotec will ripen my cervix enough to create the receptors in my uterus to start cramping. It's the cramping part that I am missing, everything else is ready to go.

My other midwife is going to consult with the hospital midwives to see if I should also take another drug, one that is given for abortions, to help speed things up.

So that is where I am at this moment. It may take several rounds, spaced at 12 hours apart, for this to work. If it doesn't, we'll talk about the next steps.

Oh, and regarding the very early possible signs of infection - all seems well at this point.

Still Waiting, But Not For Long

I've received a lot of wonderful care from friends and family through this process. I can't thank everyone enough - flowers, visits, food, thoughts, healing, phone calls.

This has been much more difficult than I could ever imagine. Certainly the hardest thing I have ever been though. And it doesn't get easier day by day, it just changes.

I'm still bleeding everyday. It's been 3 weeks since my baby died and 2 weeks since the start of my miscarriage. I'm going to see my midwives on Wednesday so they can check my uterus and feel if it is still at 9 weeks. I'm wondering how much tissue my body has absorbed and if I've passed more clots than I know of.

After that I am probably going to take Cytotec, to help complete this process. I may also get another ultrasound before the Cytotec to see exactly where I'm at. The ultrasound depends on what my midwives find by bi-manual exam.

So that is where I'm at. I'm mostly depressed and don't want to leave the house, but being in the house makes me sad and demotivated. When I get to focus my attention on someone else I am a much happier person. Today I am focusing my thoughts to get back into school work and studying, which I'm hoping will provide a good distraction.

Miscarriage at 10 weeks

On Sunday, April 11 I started miscarrying my baby. I cramped and bled throughout the night for 26 hours. Dave and I went in for an ultrasound, hoping that I was passing a twin and I still had a viable baby I could carry to term. When the doctor told me my baby died at 9 weeks, I stopped cramping and haven't started since - that information wasn't for me. I still have much more to pass.

This has been a hugely emotional process for me and Dave. With every day I am able to release my protection and holding to this baby's spirit and let go. Some days I am uplifted, some days I am angry and today I want to go shopping to make myself feel better.

We spent Monday through Friday at home, surrounded by friends, energy and this wonderful altar pictured above. The pink candle is for Baby Azu-zu. I spent hours staring at it trying to will it to break. Then I realized it was me that needed to let go.

I've worked my way through herbs to help start labor and received acupuncture treatments and energy work. I've come to terms with not being pregnant then loose those terms the next hour.

On Wednesday morning I had a dream that I gave birth to my baby on the floor in my home office. My baby was skinny, had the red skin of a premature baby and was beautiful. I felt my baby breathe and then stop. I held him face down and rubbed his spine like I have seen so many midwives do at births. I asked him to stay and told him I wanted him here. He started breathing again but in those first breaths I knew he wasn't meant to be here. So I told him he could go, that I understood.

I don't really understand. I do know that my baby knows more than I do about divine timing and now just wasn't the right time. I accept that. What I'm trying to accept now is that I'm not pregnant and I won't have my baby in November.

So I'm not pregnant and I'm not preparing to ovulate. I'm waiting to complete my miscarriage.

It has been a blessing that I didn't have a three hour miscarriage on Sunday. It would have been too much for me to process; the pain, the denial, the grief and the hope. This time has allowed my to heal and honor my process. But I'm ready now.

I struggled with how to move about my normal life while I wait for my miscarriage. I think it's a matter of accepting this as a temporary part of my life. I'm bleeding and waiting for cramps. This is something I've been doing since high school, it's just this time I don't know when it will happen.

I'm going to wait for as long as I can for my own body to let go. When I can't handle this emotionally anymore, or if my body shows signs of infection, then I'll take Cytotec at home to help speed the process.

Cytotec is a pharmaceutical that has several uses. Midwives carry it to help with postpartum bleeding. In my case it will start cramps and dilation. It's not a guarantee, but since my body is already sensitive to what's happening (I am having occasional cramps and continual bleeding), this should work.

When I think about why I want this to complete, it's so that I can get pregnant again. That doesn't feel like the right reason. I don't want to have to work at getting pregnant again. I feel it will happen again and soon. This is what I'm trying to keep in mind.

Cold Sores and Pregnancy

I first got cold sores in 5th grade and was sick on the couch for over a month. The primary outbreak is always the worst. Ever since then I would get a blistery mass of crap on my lips every few weeks until 1999 when I discovered the remedy that worked for me.

In my last year of college I tried this treatment, which won't do anything for the current outbreak, but it will prevent further eruptions:

At the onset of any tingling, take twelve Kyolic garlic capsules, then take three every four hours (while awake) for three days.

So eleven years later I get my first cold sore again. Herpes hangs out in your nerves and becomes permanently incorporated with your cell DNA - it can never really be cured. For whatever reason the garlic is able to suppress it for long periods of time. But with pregnancy, all bets are off.

During pregnancy you are inherently under more stress because of all the physical and emotional changes you are going through. Couple that with a particularly stressful day or perhaps a poor diet and out comes the cold sores again.

I'm trying the garlic treatment again and hoping it works just as well as it did in college. Man I hate these things.

My New Relationship

hi - this is moe, mostly known as satchel, but frequently referred to as chop, choppy, mochop, moe-chop, mo-chippity, mo-choppity, and less frequently as Jake and laRoy.

so...like....yeah....this is me and woman on the couch. i'm in charge of, like, keeping the baby warm. also, when the baby is born and, you know, acting all fussy and such, i will, like, coo the baby to sleep with my sleep breathing because, you know, it will, like, know my sleep breathing from its 9-month stay in what i like to refer to as "the dark pond."

ok - la'ate

Why We Sleep

Pregnancy, especially early pregnancy, makes ladies very very tired. And the main reason for this might be the hormone progesterone, which has a sleep-inducing effect.

Progesterone production increases ten-fold during pregnancy and is produced by the ovaries for the first seven weeks after which the placenta takes over production.

Another reason for the need to nap after brekkie, as I'm doing in the photo to your left, is because a woman's metabolic rate falls early in pregnancy. Why this happens is unknown, like most of pregnancy and labor.

My own theory to go along with the hormone and metabolic ideas is that we're just getting used to doing all the work of building another human being. Eventually, like all endurance sports, we get used to it and adapt.

My 6 Hour Mexican Meal

I felt great yesterday and ate almost like a normal person. For dinner Davey made hard tacos, nothing spicy and no onions. My tacos were mostly filled with sour cream and a spattering of beans, and I had 2 of them along with some chips and more sour cream. My biggest meal in weeks.

Four hours later I was still feeling the entire meal trying to enter my stomach. It was just stuck. Everything slows down in pregnancy, especially your digestion.

I'm not a person who has digestion issues. When I was training for the Portland Marathon I could eat a full dinner, then go for a long run - no problem. I ate for the entire 26.2 miles without a belly ache.

And now, growing a baby makes me unable to eat a regular meal and I can't even look at beans anymore without wanting to die.

My six hour Mexican meal led to some interesting dreams involving a character from Twin Peaks and a kid from grade school. And it forced me to stay in bed until 8 am, which I liked.

Morning Sickness in a Nutshell

Ohh the torture of morning sickness. At times it really does feel like you're being poisoned everyday.

So why does that happen? What's the purpose? Why can I only eat crackers and cream cheese? And how long will this last?

There are a few possibilities as to why "morning" sickness occurs:

1. Concentrated amounts of hormones without the dilution benefit of increased blood supply. As blood volume expands, nausea tends to disappear.

2. Hypoglycemia, usually caused from an inability to eat because of nausea.

3. Change in metabolism

All this leads to a vicious cycle of being nauseous and not able to eat. And the only thing that is really able to break this pattern is eating. But who wants to eat when they feel like they just got off the salt-n-pepper shakers at the local fairgrounds?

But this is all good. A woman who is nauseous is less likely to miscarry than one who isn't. And if you are fortunate enough to vomit, then you know things are really working. I try to think of it as a sign that my baby is doing just fine.

Stuff I Can Eat

My list is short of foods that don't make me want to vomit, though I'm not actually vomiting. And here it is:

1. Cream cheese on ridiculously expensive gluten free crackers

2. Spelt bread toasted with cream cheese and sometimes jam

3. Gluten free waffles, frozen (one a day)

4. Goat yogurt with walnuts and honey

5. Cottage cheese

6. Cereal with cottage cheese and almond milk

7. Cheese on crackers

8. Sparkling water

9. Recharge diluted with water

Luckily, baby doesn't have large nutritional needs at this time because this is really all I'm able to eat on a daily basis. This morning I had strawberries, the first fruit to touch my lips in 4 weeks, and the other day I ate turkey. Other than that, I'm pretty limited.

Why does food aversion, especially to meat and veggies, happen to women in the first trimester? Some say it is a protection against toxins from microorganisms during the critical period of organ development. If that were the case then I believe it. I'm not wanting to touch anything the was formerly alive, even in plant form. In fact, the other day I picked off all the lettuce from my sandwich because it tasted like poison. And this was lettuce from Dave's winter garden.

I'm Making One of These

See how cute Dave and I were as children. I wonder what baby will look like at this age?

And no, we didn't know each other as children. This is a combination of photos we had made to announce our wedding that we ended up canceling for various reasons. Namely, I got in a car accident searching for Cranky Al's Donuts in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and used up all our money we had saved for the wedding for an insurance deductible instead.

Then we also cancelled the second wedding because the Ebola virus broke out in the African village where the ceremony was going to be held. The third attempt at a wedding, this time in Pennsylvania, also got nipped in the bud because it was less of what we wanted and more of what was easiest for everyone else.

So the 4th attempt was a success. We sent out a mass email letting everyone know they could come to the courthouse in Milwaukee at 3pm on Friday, April 5 if they wanted to be with us at our wedding.

It was the best wedding ever - it cost $90 and lasted 10 minutes. Then we went out for beer and pizza. Mmmm beer....I'm actually missing having even a craving for beer. Or food for that matter.

Yeah, We Made a Baby

Our plan was to send out a postcard of the two of us announcing our pregnancy. A photographer was asking for volunteers for some outdoor photo shoots and we took her up on the offer.

We spent the day in downtown Portland getting our picture taken while pedestrians actually thought we were famous people (some even interrupted the shoot to ask who we were) and others took photos of us with their own camera.

So we got all these awesome pictures taken and then realized the prints were a bit too expensive. So we weren't able to make the pregnancy announcement like that. Instead, we've just been telling people as the thought comes up.

I pulled this image from her blog and since it didn't have the copyright info on it, decided to put it here. This wasn't the picture I was planning on using. There was a cute one of Dave and I dancing with a lighted marquee behind us that said something about Portland.

The announcement was going to read something like, "Coming sometime in November to Portland....Baby Jarecki"

In this image I am pregnant, but didn't yet know.

Baby Azu-zu Development

So my baby already has a beating heart, thousands of cells, a forming brain, beginnings of spinal cord nerves and all the major organs, and baby also has arm buds and a primitive tail. All at 6 weeks and the size of a grain of rice!

Technically, that all happened in 4 weeks. Doctors and midwives start pregnancy at the first day of your past menstrual period, therefore the added 2 weeks to bring me up to 6 weeks.

During weeks 6 - 10 (now through April 12) is considered "the critical period" of development. The major organs continue to develop, including the kidneys and lungs. During this period baby Azu-zu will have a face that begins to look human. Baby's eyes will first form on the sides of the head and then move to the front.

Ohhh Nausea

I spend most of my days feeling hung over (minus the headache) or like I just got off a spinning ride at a carnival. Neither is better than the other.

I do have about 3-4 hours a day when I'm not ill or sleeping, and now is one of those times. But it's almost over, I feel this ending. I'm waiting for Dave to bring in the chicken feed and start making the turkey sandwiches I had a craving for.

Right now I'm not really into food. In fact, I hate it. But when I do like something I latch on to it and must have it. Today is one of those days.

If I'm able to do a load of dishes I consider that a bonus. Usually I'm just asleep on the couch or the futon, waiting to feel better. Sometimes I think I must be making all this up. There is no way that I can possibly feel so sick all the time.

Fresh air does help. As does white rice first thing in the morning and nux vomica (homeopathy) - at least right now it works. Apple cider vinegar, ginger, acupuncture, vitamin B - they don't work.

I just cancelled a trip to Washington to visit a friend because I don't think I would be able to make the 5 hour drive in under 8 hours and then I would be sick at someone else's house other than mine. And that's no fun.

With all my complaints let it be known that I love being pregnant and am anxiously awaiting my belly. I already weigh more than I ever have in my life, which means more than I weighed in college with beer weight. The weight part is surreal. Dave says I'm cushy and enjoys it.

Every night I say good night to baby Azu-zu (fetal name) and every morning I check in. When Dave comes to bed he puts his hand on my belly and says good-night.

Our Midwives and Birth Place

Being part of the Portland Midwifery Community means I can essentially hand pick my birth team. It was never a hard decision though, even though there are so many amazing midwives in this town.

The wonderful and fun midwives of Nest, Laurie and Kim, will be attending our birth along with my good friend Kelly Troyer, who recently passed her national midwifery exam!!!

Who won't be at our birth is Jen Warnock. She was also a Nest midwife and a wonderful person. She left this earth a few weeks ago through the same door she welcomed so many babies through.

Jen was always a strong presence when I though of my own birth and without her it just didn't feel right. And that's where Kelly comes in. Having her join Laurie and Kim makes everything feel perfect and right. And now my birth team is complete.

As Aunt Pat asked, "So are you going to do one of your experiments out there and have the baby at home?" The answer is, of course.

I'm not attached to having a water or land birth, but do plan on laboring in a tub in the living room. The midwives will bring a large, inflatable tub that I can hang out in during labor.

Satchel and Maji will be staying with friends during labor since the energy of birth is strong and Satchel is sensitive and Maji likes to be in the middle of things.

Other than that we are hoping for a private, intimate home birth sometime in November. A Scorpio baby perhaps!

5 Weeks Pregnant and Hungry

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and wonder if I will ever stop eating. I mean really. I completely skip over the hunger stage and instead go from not being hungry to being disoriented, confused and sick. So I eat and everything is instantly better. But I really do wonder how long I can keep eating like this.

What am I eating you ask? My ideal day finds me waking around 6 am, eating some sort of egg breakfast then falling back asleep for 90 minutes on the couch with Satchel. After my first nap of the day I then eat my second breakfast which could be anything form oatmeal to the same egg burrito I made myself 2 hours ago. About 90 minutes later I eat a protein bar, then lunch, then second lunch and finally dinner. In between I snack. And of course, before bed I like to eat something as well.

If I don't get enough calories and protein during the day, I wake up at 3 am to eat. My day then begins with a snack, nap, breakfast, nap and breakfast again.

I'm worried I'm going to weigh more than Dave.