April 6 - Azu-zu died | April 1 - Lazadae born
May 21 - I begin to feel like myself | Around this time this year I started to feel like myself
May 26 - I let go | Around this time this year I started to accept that the way I breastfeed now is the way it might be
June 1 - I bury Azu-zu
I also want to note that April 6th of this year (without me making the connection at the time) was the worst day of our postpartum. I had been up for 8 days since labor with only about 10 hours of sleep dispersed over that time. I had reached the point before exhaustion and needed to sleep.
It was the day we put Lazadae in the harness and I had emotional breakdown after emotional breakdown and Dave was beyond concerned for me. It was the day we realized I wasn't making milk and Lazadae was starving and we didn't know what to do.
That night I had to get some sleep and Dave spent the night with an inconsolable, hungry baby (our only night like that) for a few hours. I woke in the middle of the night and struggled out of bed to find Dave asleep on the couch and my daughter sleeping alone in a cold, dark kitchen in her car seat. I sobbed as I watched her, thinking that everything I wanted for this child was lost. that day and night was the worst of my life. I still feel pain when I think about it.
So over the past 10 days I changed some things. I stopped doing the things I don't like doing to try to being my milk in. I stopped tracking every ounce and time I fed Lazadae. I stopped pumping and the quality of my life greatly improved. I stopped drinking Shatavari because it tastes bad and sometimes gives me migraines. I tried a new supplemental feeding (the Lact Aid) and I really like it; there is a rhythm and ritual to preparing the bags and I would even describe using it as fun. I've also begun being okay with this situation as a long-term possibility over the next 2 years or so.
I'm still taking herbs that support breastfeeding. I'm taking the max dose of Domperidone. I'm still working with Bob to balance my hormones. I'm still working with Meg on possibilities (she's never seen anything like this and is consulting with the nation's expert on low milk supply to try to help me). And just like the miscarriage, I've stopped wondering when the big event will happen. I don't wake up disappointed anymore. I've let it go.
Over the course of the past 10 days, I've felt engorgement and let down. My boobs are sore when Dave takes the middle of the night feeding and I get to sleep for 7 straight hours. Occasionally, I can tell when Lazadae needs to feed by the feeling in my breasts. And when I'm feeding her I feel dull, deep aches in different parts of my breast.
But the best thing that has happened since letting go is that last night, while sitting on the toilet, drops of milk started landing on my thighs. I looked up to the ceiling not knowing where this gray water was coming from. And then I saw it, beads of milk at the end of my nipples. I'd wipe some away and more would appear. This happened randomly - I didn't miss too long of a feeding, I wasn't stimulating my breasts.
(After this I did run to the pump, only to feel a little down that nothing came out. Won't do that again.)
I know it's dangerous to compare timelines and feel that something great will happen soon. But this feeling isn't a feeling that will make me sad if it doesn't happen. It's just an interesting parallel and when I think about it I feel good - and that's half the issue here.
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