One of the 5 S's

While Satchel sleeps like a baby, we practice our swaddling skills on Baby Maji.

Swimming? Why, Yes

Swimming is the most effortless thing I have ever done. I could swim laps all day and not get tired. The swimming lessons I took when I was training for a triathlon really paid off because I'm actually a decent swimmer.

Getting into the pool felt a little weird since, as you can see, my bathing suit is more like a full outfit. But it was totally worth it.

Towards the end of my luxurious 30 minutes in the pool a power swimmer couple jumped in my lane. She told me was doing circles and I had no idea what she meant, so I told her that was great.

After she finished a few laps she told me that I need to also swim circles so she doesn't run into me and so we can keep the flow going. I said, "Lady, I'm 8 months pregnant and in the slow lane. Does that tell you anything?" She got right out of the lane without another word.

Everyone Does This At Least Once, Right?

Baby's Crystal

Dave and I went to the crystal shop to find a crystal that represents BABY to us. This will be something we'll give to baby when he or she is older. We picked based on feeling, then researched when we got home.

Dave zeroed in on two rocks, both of which happened to be the same variety - Cobalta Calcite (sometimes spelled Cobalto Calcite).

Here are some interesting points about it:

Energy amplifier. Helps us trust ourselves and promotes a sense of stability and constancy (great for an Aries). Particularly effective against laziness. Wonderful stone to use when studying the arts and sciences. A world teacher for all of humanity,helping us appreciate the creative forces of nature. All about universal love.

MAJI-KU

After your soft squat

and movement the rug now boasts

two clean white circles

28 Weeks 5 Days

Before I get started about my prenatal appointment today, I'd like you to notice how awesome the necklace is that I'm wearing in this photo. Dave got it for me for my birthday and I love it, love it, love it.

You also might want to notice the very cool and colorful rug. Maji got that for Dave for Christmas.

And of course, there is Maji. Our BeagleBack.

Great session with the ladies. Talked about my morning fatigue. It seems no matter how much sleep I get, 9 hours or 5, I'm still dragging until mid-afternoon.

Mentioned my new snoring habit and they said it's from the extra fluid of pregnancy and it will go away after the baby. Thank goodness. For some reason I'm more embarrassed about snoring than I am when I pee my pants a little when I sneeze with a full bladder. Go figure. Anyway, they said the fact that I am snoring can mean that my quality of sleep could be compromised and that's why I'm so tired. Because it won't hurt, I'm going to start taking iron supplements twice a day.

They never heard of the copper or linden flower perineum treatments and were supportive. Like me, they figure anything you can do to prevent serious tears at least makes you feel like you're doing something, even if it doesn't work. And since I'm someone who needs to feel like she's doing something, it works out for me.

BP: 107/52 - note that the drop in blood pressure signifies an appropriate blood volume expansion at 28 weeks. Good sign.

Pulse: 70 or 80 something

Weight: 143.4 (31 pound weight gain so far)

Fetal Heart Tones: 130's - 140's

Baby Position: ROT or ROA - That means baby is on the right side, the occipital is presenting either transverse or anteriorally.

Fundal Height: 31.5 - which is high for where I am in pregnancy. Normally fundal height matches weeks gestation, but I've been a little ahead for most of the pregnancy, plus I'm sure baby just had a growth spurt anyway. Not concerned.

28 Week Blood Draw: My blood looked healthy and non-anemic. I'm not sure if you can really actually tell anything just by looking at blood, but it looked just as thick and dark red as it did at 8 weeks. I'll be getting the lab results in a few days.

Random Glucose: 89. I declined the actual testing for Gestation Diabetes and consented to having the blood the seeped out of my vein after my blood draw tested. The range can be anywhere from 60 - 115. Based on what I ate this morning, I'm comfortable that my body is handling the sugar in my diet adequately.

The 7th Month Treatment

Starting in the third trimester lots of important things are happening in baby's growth and my body. To prepare, I've come up with a treatment plan to help some practical body issues and some esoteric baby issues. I've never read about these treatments in my midwifery books or heard any midwives talk about them, so I'll definitely run it by my midwives during my appointment tomorrow. Here are the details:

Apatite Cucurbita and Conchae or 2 separate homeopathic powders that support calcium metabolism. I started taking them a few days after I believed I conceived because they also help the embryo incarnate within. I took them until about the second trimester until I got tired of taking them. Theoretically you're meant to take from conception to weaning, but that's an expensive remedy, so my plan is just to finish out what I have left from earlier. Now is the time most women began to talk about feeling that baby is sucking their bones dry, which isn't true, but I understand the feeling.

Homeopathic copper ointment rubbed into the perineum every night can help prepare that area to be stretched and strong during birth.

Aside: I'm not sure if Dave and I are going to do perineum massage beginning in week 35. I've heard mixed things about it and I don't really believe it helps the perineum stretch. But overall I feel it might be helpful for me to begin to learn to sense more of my pelvic floor to help with pushing. I have difficulty understanding that part of my body so this can help. This is also why I feel I probably won't be birthing in water since it will be even more difficult to tell what is going on down there.

Sitz baths are also a great way to prepare the bottom for stretching. Three times per week I'll be taking a Linden Flower sitz bath to help loosen and warm the perineum.

During the sitz bath I'll be drinking Elderflower tea. Elderberry is associated with more etheric energy and actually has the ability to transform this energy. During this time in pregnancy I am birthing more of the astral body of the baby. Part of what that means is baby is acquiring his or her astrological fingerprints and their spiritual essence. Difficulty in a baby's ability to absorb these energies to later use in his or her future shaping is one of the energetic reasons moms get hypertension, edema, etc. Physically, it keeps the muscles and connective tissues supple and stretchable and it helps the body to sweat and move water through itself (not that I need more night sweats).

Feeling Like I'm 28 Weeks

28 weeks feels big to me. As an apprentice, the 28 week appointment meant mom usually had a blood draw and testing for Gestation Diabetes and then her appointments became every 2 weeks, then every week until her baby was born.

I was always excited when a mom reached 28 weeks because I sometimes got to practice my blood draw skills, I always did the finger poke for GD testing, I spun the blood, filled out the lab paperwork and began to feel like I was really starting to know mom and her partner.

And this is where I am! I'm going to have a baby in about 12 weeks!

From here on out it doesn't get easier, rarely stays the same and usually gets more difficult. I'm already finding myself on the more difficult path. My movements feels slower, my breath is heavier and my body is starting to hurt more.

I've had low back tightening throughout pregnancy when I don't go to yoga. Now, because baby has spent most of the pregnancy on my right side, I have a killer knot that begins to the right of my thoracic spine, grows up my neck and down to my lower back. My left hip is also beginning to hurt.

Have started seeing a chiro and will continue on a regular basis. She is someone who I can call day or night to come to my house during the birth if things get stuck. I've seen her get babies in good positions and lift pubic bones when babies are stuck, so I feel fortunate to have her on my call list.

I've been telling people about baby spending lots of time on my right side and as a result of the extra 2.5 ponds I'm carrying around there my right body is hurting. So for New Year's Day baby changed to the left side, my right side knot didn't bother me all day and I felt pretty good.

I really feel baby did this for me and I really appreciate it. Baby does prefer the right though and is back on that side today.

Baby is sooooo strong lately. I think for a time baby was laying transverse (across the uterus) last night because I felt a hard kick on my right side where I've never felt movement before. I jumped and yelped it was so shocking.

Right now I would describe baby as really engaged (not in the medical sense). I feel that baby and I have really bonded this past week and baby is responsive and very very aware of what is going on. I woke up last night laughing because I thought I felt baby's fingers tickling me and then felt this huge sense of calm knowing how aware baby actually is.

New Year's Day might be my favorite holiday and we spent it in the traditional Jarecki way by reviewing our year, talking about the future and doing things around the house to help us get ready for 2011.

Though I think about nothing else besides the baby I feel there is plenty more to do to get ready. I want to have all our current baby supplies cleaned and organized (at least the ones we'll use in the first few weeks) before the Banjo Fiction Baby Shower. That way it won't seem too overwhelming to handle all that other stuff.

Excited excited excited.

Writing space

The ground is hard and frozen, skies have gone gunmetal and you can make the case that we should have snow. But the upstairs, the largest and forever the coldest room in our house, is suddenly warm and feeling rather cozy. Beyond the crib and new baby dresser/changing station, I've moved my desk up here, placed it snugly in the northwest corner, and have claimed the area as my writing space.

This shift upstairs started last February, and was brought on by a desire to have a dedicated space for my typewriter -- a 50s-era Royal with an effigy of Henry David Thoreau taped to the top. I reorganized the attic's west-wing, set an antique table facing east, and typed mostly poetry upstairs for the next few months, through the better part of summer and the beginning of fall. Then everything stopped, not just upstairs but downstairs as well, in my main office out of which I'd been working and writing since early 2004.

Through the course of two desks, a number of stalled manuscripts, a few hundred poems, and a business, I'd been working against the west-facing wall with little variance, save for sliding the desk closer to the window, then closer to the door. Suddenly I couldn't work in that room anymore, and had been working most of the fall in the kitchen while the desk became populated with mounds of papers, books, stray pens, ash, candle wax, spare change -- loose bits of scrap that were weighing down the space and adding to what felt like a clogged mind.

At some point in early November I felt a little snap go off in my brain. I was tired of everything, tired of being a writer, of going to work, of giving a shit about words and turning them over to people to see if they gave a shit too. Around the same time, Courtney and I were exploring building an outside structure that would serve as . . . a writing space. There's some great irony there -- trying to get away from what I was doing while also looking into dropping $20K for an outside office that would be dedicated to what I was trying to get away from.

Fortunately I'd been through these dark passes before, recognized how I was feeling in my body, and, after whining and carrying on like a colicky infant, downshifted into taking it easy for the next few weeks, allowed my business to enter a little fallow time, enjoyed my last couple of workshops, and got as far away from writing as I could.

In that process of waiting, I took inventory of my downstairs office, not just my desk but everything -- the books as well as how and where I stacked them; the shelves and what they held; the filing cabinet and what files I kept around; my journals of old ideas and half-framed concepts. I discovered a few things. For starters, I had way too much shit. Secondly, I was underutilizing just about everything I had. I didn't need an outside writing space. Instead, I needed to make better use of what was in front of me, starting with the downstairs desk -- at the time, I was literally using 13-inches of nearly 15-square-feet of space.

That was the trigger. Now I needed to reshuffle the deck. First, at Courtney's request, my good friend Scotty and I shuttled the metal filing cabinet out of the attic and into the garage. Later, another good friend Dan and I hung shelves upstairs that allowed us to put a free-standing bookshelf in storage and open more floor space in the attic. Then came moving three desks -- the desk in my downstairs office went upstairs, Courtney's desk (which had been mine) bumped into my office, and the "poetry desk" (the antique table) went into Courtney's room.

One thing I wanted more than anything was to turn the upstairs into a dedicated writing space. To me, this meant no more writing at the kitchen table, but doing typing, computer work and journal/notebook in the same spot. Hence, the upstairs desk needed to stay clear, and anything on the desk needed to have a reason for being there.

Heading back into the downstairs office, I felt a dire need to "get away" from the wall at which I'd been working for six-plus years ("hitting the wall" perhaps?). I shifted the office structure around and moved the smaller desk (from Courtney's office) facing the closet, creating space along the western wall for a little chair (and eventually a rug, which came as a Christmas gift).

The idea downstairs is about production, and that office will be dedicated to work- and business-related concerns (emails, client correspondence, etc.). The energy there is very much "get in and get out," whereas the energy upstairs is "come and stay for a while, write as long as you wish."

What's going to come of this? That's anyone's guess. But I know it all feels like home right now, and all the tools I need are well within reach.

Happy new year everyone.

Dave

WELCOME TO MAJILEVEN!!!

HELLO, THIS IS MAJI, AND YOU ARE INVITED TO JOIN ME FOR A VERY EXCITING AND, DARE I SAY, CURIOUS TRIP THROUGH MY SKULL DURING THE NEW YEAR, ALSO KNOWN AS MAJILEVEN!

[New for Majileven: I will no longer be using ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME!]

What will Majileven be like? Well, it will be like one LONG EXCITING TRIP WITHOUT COMMAS through the SKULL CONVENIENT STORE (sometimes referred to as the SKULL CONVENIENCE TOUR)

If you have never been to the SCS (SCT) then let me explain. It has EVERYTHING YOU NEED, and MANY THINGS YOU DO NOT NEED, but the rub is that I CHANGE THE AISLES AND SHELVING STRATEGY every day, and sometimes HOURLY.

How then does one find anything?

WELL, THAT'S WHERE I, MAJI, COME IN.

Imagine you have lost your car keys, and you are prepared to go out to a meeting with a very important HOLLYWOOD MOVIE PRODUCER to talk about your VERY IMPORTANT HOLLYWOOD MOVIE IDEA. You might say something like, "GOD, I CAN'T FIND MY KEYS," or, "PLEASE BABY JESUS, HELP ME FIND MY KEYS." And even though the BABY JESUS loves you, he is a baby, and a very busy baby at that, and can't always help. BUT MAJI is always there to help you!

So this year WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR KEYS on your way to a VERY IMPORTANT MEETING with a VERY IMPORTANT HOLLYWOOD MOVIE PRODUCER, you can say, "MAJI, WHERE CAN I FIND MY KEYS?" and I, MAJI, will help you FIND YOUR KEYS.

I call this GIVING YOU A MAJILIFT.

Therefore, MAJILEVEN WILL BE FILLED WITH ONE MAJILIFT AFTER ANOTHER.

WHAT TO EXPECT DURING MAJILEVEN?

For starters, WE ARE HAVING A BABY. I plan on being the baby's BEST FRIEND EVER! Her name will be MAJINA if she's a girl, or MAJIRI if she is a boy.

WHAT ELSE TO EXPECT?

Here is a sneak preview:

DADDY IS GOING TO FINISH A BOOK, because I WILL WRITE IT FOR HIM.

MAMA IS GOING TO EXPAND HER SKULL BUSINESS because I WILL RUN IT FOR HER

MY ROOMMATE IS GOING TO LOVE ME MORE THAN EVER because I WILL LOVE ME FOR HIM!

THANK YOU from the bottom of my beagle heart for JOINING I, MAJI, on this SKULL ADVENTURE!

LOVE, MAJI.

MOE10 IN REVIEW: [An open letter from Moe]

Dear gentle reader(s):

As I reflect back on the year that was, that is, like, still going on, I can't help but think, like, you know, I had an amazing year, and I made my people [AKA "boy" and "Woman"; AKA "him" and "Woman"] have, like, a pretty amazing year too. Sure, there were ups and downs, there were peaks and valleys, there were raw bones left out in the cold. But really, you know, no meat was spoiled, and no bowls were, like, left behind. For those of you who, like, were keeping score at home -- and I know I WAS -- here's a short list of, like, everything I accomplished, or drove my people to accomplish:

-Painted the house

-Got pregnant (quite a feat, considering boy's impotence)

-Bought a wagon (the Zada, thereby allowing Rozlynn to officially become, like, the official meat mobile)

-Got pregnant (again, quite a feat, for the same reason as before)

-Sent boy away to writing camp

-Sent woman away to midwifery camp

-Bought a new blue bed (AKA "the couch")

-Built a new glider rocker (AKA my roommate's landing pad)

-Took not one but two trips to Yoseph, OR

-Rearranged boy's writing space (getting him to use it is, you know, Sisyphean, but some things must carry over)

-Expanded my own business (on my own, thank you)

-Made boy chop down the monster rose bush

-New wireless network (installed myself)

-Led another successful holiday season

Overall, like, things are better than ever, and really, when I look to, you know, dole out the thanks, I start and end with, like, myself.

So now, gentle reader(s), I paw the torch over to, like....my roommate, my roommate.

May the Great Ridgeback have mercy on us all.

Moe (writing from boy's account)

34 years

Hail, Courtney

We'd just survived a hailstorm, complete with thunder and lightning, in Oceanside, Oregon. Courtney and I had gone to a state park with Satchel and Maji when the clouds opened up. Out of the car for about two minutes, a flash of lightning cracked and the thunder was right on us. We started running back up the path toward the parking lot. I turned around and saw Courtney plugging along unable to keep pace. She was weighted down by the future -- our baby.

I stopped, waited then walked with her up the hill to the car. Hail beaned off the hood like buckshot. We'd been through enough storms by now, but still there's a certain queasiness to being caught in thunder and lightning surrounded by trees. It reminded me of a trip we took a decade ago to Newport Beach in upper Wisconsin, along Lake Michigan. That day, the storm didn't just sweep in and out but planted itself on top of the lake, washing out our planned camping trip.

The hike from the lot to the lake was a two-mile trek through dense forest. We'd packed in and set up camp before we decided that if we hung around too long we might wind up dead. It had been raining the entire time, but we figured we'd simply settle in for a wet night of camping. Then the lightning started. A year earlier we'd camped at the same spot and had one of those blissful experiences where you swear you are the last two people alive, or the first for that matter -- an Adam and Eve feeling where it's just you, your lover, the garden and the oversoul that created it all. Our second trip, however, soon became a twelve-hour car ride sandwiched around a boggy hike and an electrical storm.

Soaked, we ran the last 50 yards through the woods with our bags stuck to our backs. Courtney was fast and nimble, clipping along the underbrush like a fawn. When we reached the car we stuffed our gear in the trunk, climbed in the front seats, stripped, patted down and dressed in dry clothes pulled from an old duffle bag, things we hadn't worn since college -- our "hippie" stuff complete with rips, tears and frays.

I remember thinking, even as we were dressing, about wanting to write about the experience, to talk about the changes we were going through, the new faces we were adopting during the early hours of our "professional" days. Thinking back now, I'm sure I went home and scratched something in a journal then stashed it away.

Now, fresh from our most recent encounter with lightning and wilderness, I find myself wondering exactly what it is we're completing in this life. I feel we're both living through a shared lifetime we've never experienced in other lifetimes. And the arrival of this new person -- that tiny life growing inside of Courtney -- is a part of this newness. In one regard, the baby is a culmination. In another, a beginning.

Walking with Courtney up the hill in the hail, I realized -- her hand heavy, her pace a yard behind mine -- that I wasn't exactly dragging her along, but I was definitely helping her. In that awareness I knew that if lightning were to strike her, I'd much rather be holding her hand than otherwise. If the surge was going to go through one of us, I'd want it to go through us both.

We sat for a while in the car and watched the hail, listened as the thunder got farther away. Courtney was panting, laughing and flashing the same smile she flashed that day in Newport, the one that says, "Holy shit, that was close. Now let's drive."

Happy birthday, Baby.

Bliss, Coconut - Chocolate

Dave found it.

A Boy?

Got something resembling a cold this week. Sore throat, stuffy breathing and very tired. The loss of appetite and fatigue reminded me of first trimester.

But feeling better today and baby is kicking up a storm. You can actually see my belly move and a mug of tea resting on my belly can easily get kicked off. I wonder if baby's sudden energy has to do with me feeling better or Dave and I acknowledging for the first time that baby could actually be a boy. Hmmm.....

At the coast this weekend and having a craving for Coconut Bliss chocolate ice cream, Holy Kakow chocolate sauce (warmed) and some sort of marshmallow substance in the bowl. But this is all being denied to me because we're on the coast where the local Safeway had no idea what I was talking about when I called to inquire.

25 Weeks 1 Day

Wow - check out how much I've grown from four weeks ago!!

Prenatal today. Prenatal today without Midwife Kelly because she's moving on January 3rd. I had a feeling she wasn't going to be there for the birth and that's okay. I find what I'm most disappointed about, besides having a friend move away, is that we'll be missing the prenatal classes she was going to hold with us.

Dave and I haven't really talked about how we'll supplement the loss, but I feel we need to do something, and this something will probably happen on our own.

I've audited three childbirth classes and don't want to sit through another. And honestly, it would be even below Dave since he knows so much about childbirth already.

Didn't have much to catch up on with the ladies since four weeks ago. Things have been going great. My fatigue disappeared with the iron and my stress with the adrenal support.

I told them about my tooth staining because of pregnancy and we talked about how the world of dentistry is so far behind on the implications of mouth and pregnancy (except my dentist who totally gets it).

I mentioned my back tightening when I don't do yoga and that I've got an appointment with a new chiro next week - someone who can be called in for my birth if things get stuck.

We did have a great discussion about what I want during labor. This isn't a question that would normally be asked of most moms, but since I have the training they asked at what point do I think I want them to step in and help with pushing. We all agreed that it's so hard to know when to let a mom do her own thing and when to step up and become really involved with directions and such. As an apprentice I've struggled with wondering if I was abandoning mom by letting her be on her own or if those were my own abandonment issues I was projecting.

I want support. If I didn't want support I would have an unassisted birth. I mentioned how I already have a hard time telling what's going on down there and during pushing everything is going to be a mess, so having guided pushing with someone's fingers in my vagina will probably be really helpful for me.

I do want to give it a go on my own first, but I think it's going to take me a long time to figure out how to actually push, so why waste the precious energy for too long of a time. I am open to the help.

Since we were on the subject I mentioned that instead of sutures if I tear, I want to use Nori. Luckily Lori has experience with that, so that will be great. I saved the rest of my labor requests for another time.

Mama and baby vitals:

Weight: 139.2 (27 pound weight gain)

pH: 7.0

BP: 107/74

Pulse: 90

Position: Baby proved once again that baby doesn't like to be palpated. Both midwives had to have a feel before they decided that maybe baby was oblique (diagonal) and baby was probably head down and on the right.

FHT: Again, it took two midwives to find the heart rate with the fetascope. By this time baby was all excited and riled up, so the heart rate was 150's-160's.

Fundal Height: 27 (I think. I know it was more than my weeks.)

WooooW

Two really great things happened yesterday (before and after the strange work situation) that have made me feel so light and happy this morning.

The first is that I had an energy session with Donna (of the Bob and Donna team). We worked on clearing the congestion between my liver and spleen that may be a reason for my consistent waking up in the middle of the night.

When I got home from the session Friends Dan and Stacy sent me a pregnancy pillow in the mail. Now, I always thought these were a bit decadent and that my body pillow (Joey the Brain) was just fine. Two days ago while working with my postpartum family, she had a pregnancy pillow that she was using for breastfeeding and I thought that seemed like a nice thing to have.

My sleep was amazing last night. Now I think it's from the energy work first and the pillow supported those changes. I was able to sleep on my right side and actually have my arm around Dave, something that was too uncomfortable before. Then I was able to, without fussing and rearranging, move to my left side. But the biggest change of all is that I was then able to sleep on my back comfortably for many hours, without having to readjust everything under my knees.

Even better than all that great sleep I got (10-6 with just 1 bathroom break) is that I wanted to stay in bed after I woke up and just lay there all snuggled and feeling safe. Since the beginning of pregnancy I haven't been able to just lay in bed and hang out. It's like I need a change of state or something, which explains why I have to fall asleep on the couch. This morning I laid there for 30 minutes, just hanging out between sleep rhythms.

I could see where if I was a little taller, the pillow wouldn't work as well - but it really is an amazing tool to have and I plan on buying this for all my newly pregnant friends. Love it.

And so this morning I've woken up feeling really light and happy. The work situation is something that isn't even bothering my right now. I'm going to ignore her email and I feel good about that decision.

As friend Stacy said to me: "The email is a parting shot of negativity from a negative place. I think the vibe there is, "Well, she thinks she's too good for us, so fuck her."

Strangely, about an hour after I wrote the last blog post I got a call from a midwife there. Apparently a midwife was recently fired out of the blue and her friend, the one calling me, wanted to know if she could give her my number because, "she doesn't have the strength that you have nor the ability to see the big picture and she's upset by all this. I think it would help her to hear how you were able to be a positive part of a bad experience there."

Isn't life funny. As Trisha would say, "Wooow. I mean, right? Woooow."

Strange

So - Having finished my final shifts at the birth center and declaring today that I felt really free from that place, I got an email from my supervisor. She said I:

~ Left blood on a bottle of lotion (that's bad)

~ Didn't do the dishes (for some reason I thought doulas didn't have to clean up after midwives)

~ Left wet laundry in the washer (nope, that didn't happen for sure)

~ Put the portable toilet away in the wrong place (okay)

The second paragraph of the email was in reference to me trying to find a replacement on Tuesday night for my second room cleaning in a row. The apprentice who called me in asked me if I was able to come in for the room clean (she knows that the cleaning is hard on my body) and I told her I was going to look for someone else. When I called her back to tell her it was me who would be cleaning she said that the director "flipped out" b/c I was trying to find a replacement. She and I rolled our eyes at her ignorance as to how common it is for us doulas to try to find replacements.

In the email I was told that my shifts are my responsibility and that I must to do the work even if I "don't feel like it." That pisses me off because I made it clear why I had to go on early maternity leave and room cleaning was number two on my list.

For the first time ever in my life I feel like not responding to this email (which didn't ask for a response). I'm always one to respond and communicate - which is partly ego driven and partly a need to be open with feelings.

I also feel like burning that bridge - something I've never done in my professional relationships. Throughout my careers I've always kept ties and this has always been important to me. But this time I want to never see or speak or hear another word from them.

And here's the strange part: After reading through the email from the birth center (which should have been a conversation, but my supervisor is young, lacks communication skills and self-confidence) I open a facebook email.

This email is from a higher up smart guy I used to work with at the last consulting firm I was at. He was wondering if I would be interested in joining an independent team he is putting together for a local company - I'd be the project manager, it would go through March and possibly longer if I wanted it to and they are apparently a fun group who work from home.

I'm flattered, to say the least. I took my last management job as a way out of the company I worked at prior where I was too involved and unable to discover what I really needed to be doing in life. So I took this consulting job and coasted through it. I managed my projects well, but on my own personal scale I would say I worked at half level. So it's really nice to be invited to join a team as an independent contractor.

And this has been my dilemma that has been building up inside of me for a few months now. I love the clients and the actual hands on work I do with the birth center families. I could care less about my skills at folding sheets, washing dishes and making beds (apparently I'm not good at any of those things).

I didn't start out the job feeling this way, but lately I've been feeling like it's way below me. Not the actual client part, but the rest of the crap I have to do. And it's because I'm not able to contribute there and make changes - I'm not a part of anything there, I just show up. And that is not in my nature. I've never been respected there and I don't respect the place in return.

So here I am being given unprofessional feedback about a crappy $12/hour job while in the same instant I'm being offered the opportunity to lead a team for $50 - $100/hour and I can't help but think the birth center can just go screw themselves.

I feel snotty when I think about it this way b/c I signed up to fold sheets, roll towels and make beds, in addition to caring for new families and babies.

And that's all I have to say right now...

Why Doesn't Spell Check Know the Word Doula

Last week of work a the birth center and so far I've been called out for every shift, which rarely happens. On Monday I worked with a sweet mom who lost too much blood. That meant that she fainted on me twice while trying to stand. The first time I had to leap to catch her (awesome while 6 months pregnant) and the second time I was prepared. I also ended up almost falling into the bathtub twice while trying to clean it.

During the day I walked into the midwife's kitchen and into several midwives talking about other midwives. I got to be reminded why I don't like it there and how they can't imagine doing anything differently than the way they did it. So nice to be leaving.

The great thing that came out of the long and tiring shift was that the mom who lost too much blood hired me on as her private postpartum doula. I love going into people's homes and helping with their new family.

They are from Taiwan and I'm getting to learn all sorts of interesting postpartum cultural traditions. For example, eating pig liver, feet and parts of the face for 30 days is considered optimal recovery food and not taking a bath during that time is vital to a new mom's health.

So yesterday I worked with that family at their home all day, then got called into the birth center as soon as I got home to my family. This was a transport situation, which means just a room clean, little blood and pretty easy. I still didn't want to do it, tried finding a replacement, couldn't, and went in to do the work.

On call tonight and hoping I can stay in my bed all night and not go into work.

After work on Monday my back was so tight. I think I've mentioned before how, when I don't go to yoga for a few days, my low back gets so tight it's almost painful. Well that happened after a long day at work and cleaning so I asked Dave to rub me.

Thinking I was being clever, I made a nest of pillows on the bed to try and lay on my belly. I didn't have any pressure on my abdomen and it felt comfy. After 15 minutes I suddenly got really nauseous, my mood turned foul and I was so uncomfortable everywhere. I'm guessing that had to do with laying face down, which I won't ever do again. Promise.

Even the next morning at yoga class I felt nauseous and was not able to enjoy myself. And remember that growth spurt I had last week? Well, getting in and out of lunges is a bit difficult now.

I really need to start swimming laps. I know I've been saying this for about 12 weeks now, but I have to start making it a priority. Realistically, after X-mas I can probably work it into my schedule once a week and I think that will help with the low back stretching. Usually, you use your abdomen muscles to really stretch the low back, but obviously I've got a little something in the way. So swimming seems like a good alternative.

And chiro appointments. There is a chiro that we used to bring into births when baby was a little stuck. I'd like to start a relationship with her now, to help my low back and make sure everything is lined up AND to have her on my list of people to call if needed during the birth. I'll just be paying for this out of pocket, so I'm dragging a little.

Baby has been hanging out in my uterus like it's a hammock. Very cute. It feels like baby has gotten much bigger and is starting to take up more uterine space. I also have the sense that baby, at least at this time, doesn't like to be palpated. So I haven't been feeling the borders of my uterus or trying to guess the position of baby. Just gentle massage every night.

4 am

Good morning 4 am. While sleeping downstairs I hardly know you, but upstairs you like to call me awake. Why is that? I'd love to meet 7 am, she seems like a lovely time to wake up.