Tattoo Language

What is the word for pain at the end

of a tattoo artist's gun? After an hour

of work on your right shoulder you still

don't know.

You're one long grin on the table, then

some grit when he shades purple

around the circle that means belly, then around

the other circle that means womb.

Only when he draws the tight black spiral

that means baby - and not the body

of the child but the spirit that flew away - that's when

a single tear starts down your face, but before

it drops, dries on your skin.

-Dave Jarecki

April 6 - June 1

My Timeline: It Really is Over

April 6: The day I've decided that Azu-zu died (in retrospect). It was the day I started spotting in my 9th week of pregnancy.

April 9: Panic that my baby died. Reassured by positive pregnancy test, Dave and a nap.

April 11: I start miscarrying with cramps and bleeding and discover fetal tissue in a small clot I pass.

April 12: I stop my cramps during an ultrasound after losing hope that I have a viable baby. I don't want to really be having a miscarriage.

April 26: I decide to take Cytotec and force my body to have a miscarriage.

April 27: I opt to not to take Cytotec and make the decision to love and honor my uterus instead.

April 28: I have a bi-manual exam that shows my uterus still enlarged and my cervix 1 cm dilated, effaced and soft. A second ultrasound tells me I hadn't passed anything more during the past two weeks.

April 28: I consider taking Cytotec from a more loving place.

April 30: I start a series of homeopathy that significantly changes the way I view my miscarriage.

May 4: I feel my body ovulate and think I must be crazy.

May 5: Dave tells me he thinks I'm ovulating.

May 15: Dave and I go out together and enjoy NE Portland. I experience the first good day I've had since April.

May 16: Bleeding bright red and was awake for several hours cramping. Passed no clots. This confirmed our sense of ovulation - must be my period.

May 19: All my bleeding stops. I hate myself because I haven't passed any clots.

May 20: Medium, bright red bleeding after six hour car ride to Joseph, Or.

May 21: No more bleeding but I like myself a little more.

From April 11 - May 21 I tried the following natural remedies and treatments to encourage a miscarriage: Blue Cohosh, Black Cohosh, Cotton Root Bark, Angelica, Pennyroyal and Tansy, Sepica, Silica, Lutetium, Ovunium, Arnica, Pullsatilla, Raspberry, Black Haw, False Unicorn, Lobelia, Wild Way, Shamanic work, Acupuncture, Shiatsu, Reiki, Cranial-sacral, Pelvic Floor work, Chiropractic care, massage, vaginal steam bath, letter writing, dance, breath work, intention, visualization, ritual and prayer. I think I'm missing a few.

May 25: Blessing from Amma.

May 26: As I lay down to sleep for 90 minutes during an overnight shift, I realize I'm done with my miscarriage.

May 26: The next morning a midwife friend takes one look at me and tells me she thinks I'm done with my miscarriage. I tell her I made that decision as well. A bi-manual exam from her reveals a 9 week uterus (still!) and a closed and firm cervix. I declare to all my friends that my miscarriage is over regardless of the enlarged uterus. I am done!

May 27 - June 1: I begin a new life free of worrying about drinking two beers in case I hemorrhage from a miscarriage. I start charting again. I ignore my increasing bleeding. I write letters to friends thanking them for their support. I feel done and have ZERO thoughts about a miscarriage.

June 1 (8 weeks after Azu-zu died): I pass Azu-zu while mopping the kitchen floor. No cramps, no pain. I find Azu-zu wrapped around a small clot. The body is a bit smaller than a grain of rice, completely smooth except for the notch where his neck and head are. A perfectly curled being. I have no more bleeding and we bury his body in our Jade plant.

Unassisted Miscarriage Complete

Well I'm singing this song, cause it's time it was sung
I've been putting it off for a while,
Cause it's harder by now, and the truth is so clear
That I am crying when I'm seeing you smile.

So goodbye, so long, the road calls me dear
And your tears cannot bind me anymore,
And farewell to the girl with the sun in her eyes
Can I kiss you, and then I'll be gone.

And every time that I tried to tell you that we'd lost the magic we had at the start,
I would weep my heart when I looked in your eyes
And I searched once again for the spark.

So goodbye, so long, the road calls me dear
And your tears cannot bind me anymore,
And farewell to the girl with the sun in her eyes
Can I kiss you, and then I'll be gone.

Oh you know that there's something calling me dear
and by morning, I'm sure to be gone
For I'm older than you and you know so well
That our time for to love was a song.

So goodbye, so long, the road calls me dear
And your tears cannot bind me anymore,
And farewell to the girl with the sun in her eyes
Can I kiss you, and then I'll be gone.

Now I can see by your eyes, it's time now to go
So I'll leave you crying in the rain,
Though I held in my hand, the key to all joy
Honey my heart was not born to be tamed.

And goodbye, so long, the road calls me dear
And your tears cannot bind me anymore,
And farewell to the girl with the sun in her eyes
Can I kiss you, and then I'll be gone.
Can I kiss you, and then I'll be gone.

-Old Shoes, Tom Waits

A song sung from one part of myself to another

Thought

If you bring forth that which is within you,
what you bring forth will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you,
what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

-Gospel of St. Thomas

Hello Joseph, My New Friend. We've Come to Walk Your Streets Again

Dave and I and the pups visited Wallowa County in the Northeast corner of Oregon. This county consists of four towns (Wallowa, Lostine, Enterprise and Joseph) and four smaller communities (Wallowa Lake, Flora (ghost town), Troy and Imnaha). It's surrounded by rugged mountains (often called the Switzerland of America), has deep deep canyons, plateaus, rolling hills, 53 lakes and 3,100 streams that total a length of over 5,600 miles. All in a county without a stop light (not even the blinking kind).

There are 1,800 folks who live in Enterprise and 1,000 who live in Joseph. Joseph is at 4,191 feet elevation (close to Ski Bowl at Hood) and Enterprise is at 2,020 feet.

All this is important because Dave and I are considering moving there. Dave interviewed with Fishtrap, a well-known and regarded literary organization in Enterprise. The position is for executive director, which means he would be reporting to the board of directors and running the show. He'd be connecting with established poets and authors around the country, running workshops, fellowships and Fishtrap college, not to mention the outstanding community events the non-profit puts on for the community.

This opportunity presented itself to us the week before my miscarriage. It was a romantic and sure thing at that point. We would have our baby in Portland, then run away to the mountains to raise our child. A dream come true.

Then the miscarriage happened, I lost the ability to focus on the future and the only thing I had to look forward to was this interview in Joseph. I became afraid to leave Portland, but was able to handle the idea if I told myself the move would be for Dave's career.

As Dave's interview grew closer I grew more accepting of moving there. By the time we crossed over into Wallowa county line, I was so stunned by the beauty that I couldn't imagine not moving there.

Two things needed to happen before believing I could actually move to a place as remote and isolated as Joseph; Where can I get my dank, organic eats and where can I apprentice with an awesome midwife.

On the first day I checked out the limited (but cute) natural food store and, most importantly, discovered that Azure Standard has a once a month food drop off in Joseph. And then I met the midwife...

There is too much to say about this gun-toting-Jesus-loving-no-seat-belt-wearing-psychic-renegade-midwife in this particular post. Let me just say that she is my dream midwife. She is community healer, homeopathic doctor, blood of chirst drinking, rural midwife that could change the direction of my life.

And the apprenticeship is mine if we move to Joseph. That easy. And if we don't move to Joseph I may just attend some births with her over the summer that she is doing two hours away from Portland.

The community of Joseph was outstanding. People were friendly and supportive. They care about the food they eat, the meat they slaughter, the veggies they grow and the books they read. At a potluck we went to (they're big in Joseph) most of the women had birthed their babies at home or knew someone who worked with a midwife. I was invited to interview lunches and gatherings with Dave and included in everything.

And when folks found out that I was a midwifery student, the reception was outstanding. One new mom was so excited about the idea of a midwife in Joseph (the closest one lives three hours away) that she screamed. I was told over and over that Joseph needs a midwife.

I also heard amazing things about the local hospital. Small town hospitals can be scary, but people had glowing reviews. The two doctors who catch babies there are not OB's, but family practice doctors, and they support homebirth transfers, natural childbirth and want every mom to have a doula because, "it makes our job easier."

So my two needs were met on our first full day in the town. Satchel and Maji loved the town as well. There is one city park, but everyone drives so slow there that I felt comfy with them off leash. And lots of people seemed to have dogs.

The restaurants were so-so, not too heavy on the meat and some offered gluten-free options. Terminal Gravity brewing is located in Enterprise and they had the best eats, not to mention the best beer (of course).

Overall, the town has a very feminine feel to it. It's not the western, cowboy town I was expecting. There are a lot of strong women who live out there and the feeling in Joseph is one of the feminine. It's the best way for me to describe it and I think it has to do with the fact that women pioneers would settle the town while the men worked in the hills. Chief Joseph is the Native American leader who the town is named after and I'd love to know more about him (other than from Wiki). I am sure his peaceful energy contributes to the feminine spirit of the town.

We show up differently depending on where we live and I like the way I showed up in Joseph. I suddenly became a map reader (for those of you who know me, you know I can't read maps) and someone who is interested in elemental direction. I was open and friendly (similar to the way I was in Australia) and felt completely safe.

So now what? Dave loves the possibility of working for Fishtrap and helping the organization grow. He would be honored to be with them. The organization is interviewing two other men for the position. They are looking for young, literary energy, and that's Dave. They only reason he wouldn't get the job would be because someone else has more experience leading an organization like Fishtrap.

Ratso

Maji and I have this unique relationship where if I ask her to kill something she does. It's quite surreal and I'm not sure what past life connection that has to do with, but sometimes it's scary.

This particular rat was out while I was gardening. I don't like rats and I don't like to garden without Maji on duty.

Since she's been honing her rat killing skills, she's also killing more squirrels. This isn't what I had in mind when I told her, one quiet evening, that I'd like her to start killing for me.

These skills did come in handy for a mercy kill the other weekend. We went hiking at Hood, Satchel got in on the action and caught a chipmunk in his jaws. I screamed and he dropped it, but it was still alive and suffering. Not sure what to do, we continued hiking. I asked Maji to please kill the chipmunk on the way back and she found it halfway up a tree, still hurt.

But I tend to freak out when I see this and yelled, so she dropped it again. The poor guy wasn't dead yet, so Dave drove a piece of wood through it's heart. This was a sad day which I made better by drinking 2 margarettas.

The next time Maji went after a squirrel I learned my lesson and didn't yell at her after she caught it in her mouth. I let her kill completely.

And this behavior has to change. So far I think it has. I've been talking to Maji about the difference between rats and squirrels and to only kill rats in our yard. Everything else can be chased up a tree. The little girl seems to be listening.

Gushi, Another Jarecki Spirit Bird

Ten minutes after I opened the window by our bed at 1:40 this morning, I heard a growl, a chicken scream and scampering.

Dave got outside first armed with a hose and chased what he thought was either a cat or a coon away. He saw Gushi laying on the ground. I grabbed a flashlight (mental note: buy a flashlight and keep by back door) and ran out there while Dave went back in the house to get dressed (mental picture: Dave hunting a wild animal with a garden hose in his boxers).

There was a raccoon, with Gushi in it's mouth, trying to scamper up our metal fence. It was having trouble carrying her with the light shining in it's face, me yelling for Dave and it feeling cornered. It made it up the fence and started walking towards me on top of the fence. Like a good dog owner I kept telling the raccoon to "Drop it". Finally it did drop her and jumped down the fence.

Loretta, the orange lady, was in shock and stuck between the food and the chicken coop wall. Princess Battlestar, from our original flock, was laying face down, wings spread inside the box. She's the small lady who has now survived a coon and a bird of prey attack. The bird of prey took her brother Fezmo last summer. Ladyfinger, was broody (again) in the nesting box and pretty much comatose from wanting to be a mother, so she wasn't too aware of anything. (Ladyfinger's full name is Fatty McGee and I've accepted the fact that she is my domestic spirit animal).

Dave stood guard over Gushi's body with a light and a shovel as the raccoon tried to grab her through the fence (can you believe that!?). Loretta came somewhat out of her stupor and ran into the yard, where I was able to pick her up and put her with the others. Loretta piled on top of Ladyfinger and I stroked Princess B into reality as she calmed down.

It was my turn to watch over Gushi's body as Dave tried to secure the coop. Dave closed the inside box door that we use to keep the ladies warm in the winter. We reckon the coon got in through either a very small space where the chicken wire wasn't stapled or through the bottom of the coop door that doesn't have a bottom bolt (the coop door was still locked). Either space seems too small for a huge raccoon to get through and then to carry a six pound chicken through, but that's from our limited human perspective.

Once the ladies were safe we decided to give Gushi back to the cycle of life. We carried her outside the run, said a prayer, and then offered her up to the raccoon. We made an appeal to the raccoon to please not hurt any more of our ladies and hoped she had pups to feed with our chicken. Two hours later we heard a growl out the window and Gushi was gone.

Only days ago we learned of Gushi's full name, Kristi Yamaguchi. She was our best egg layer and fattest bird (she has grown since this picture was taken). We feel good knowing that she spent her last days sunning herself on our deck, which leads us to believe she will come back as a dog. Perhaps as a semi-neurotic Dalmatian.

Things are Looking Up for the Jareckis

Great weekend. Truly a blessing.

On Thursday I had pelvic floor work done, a therapy I respond really well to, to see if we could get blood flow going in my pelvic bowl and loosen up any ligaments and muscles that might be holding movement back. Things started aching and cramping a few hours later, I had bright red blood and I even had low back pain. I felt this might be it. I called Midwife Kelly to review what to do if I hemorrhage, I got my meds ready (herbs, needles, filter needles, meds) and lit some candles.

Aside: Dave and I waiting for my miscarriage to complete is akin to waiting for labor to start. I feel cramps, get excited, try not to focus on them too much, tell Dave, we prepare for the event, only or it to be a false alarm.

All women carry emotions in their pelvic region and pelvic floor work can bring up some unknown or buried ones. And that's what it did to me on Thursday night. All my lifelong abandonment issues surfaced, Dave and I got in a fight about it and my uterus stopped cramping.

Mammals won't give birth if they don't feel safe. We can stop or slow down our labor until everything feels in order and miscarriage isn't any different. Our fight shut down my uterus.

I spent the next day at a midwifery conference that was a wonderful distraction from my anger at Dave. Twentyish of us midwives talked about midwifery conditions around the world and in Portland. I ate good soup, sat in the grass and felt no uterine activity.

The argument with Dave was a good thing. I know it's hard dealing with me right now. I'm asking a lot of him and I need a lot. I'm also in my own world that rarely involves anyone else, including him. It's really all about me right now and I don't see that changing until my miscarriage is over. This is part of my process, and I'll try to be more aware of life around me and Dave will speak his thoughts more and ask the questions he was keeping inside.

Friday movie night took us into a beautiful Saturday where the pups and I met a friend for a walk and then she let me practice my midwifery skills on her 26 week pregnant belly (I still can't find a heartbeat with a fetascope).

Dave and I spent several hours at Alberta Art Hop, walking around, meeting with friends, drinking beer and eating sushi. This is where Dave coined our new motto for the next two weeks: things are looking up for the Jareckis. The day ran into night, we spent lovely time with each other (missed a first birthday party of a sweet girl named Ceci) and said good-bye to a lovely day.

Our normal Sunday routine is to bike, without helmets, which is like a special treat, to the farmer's market, buy meat, veggies and gluten-free cookies, then head home. Today we detoured to pick up some tea and a random bookend, then ran into dear friends at a park.

NE Portland was celebrating all it's parks, so there was music and food at every park and roads were closed to cars throughout the area so people can bike safely. The bike parking was a lot like Amsterdam, but probably more confusing since most people weren't tripping out here in Portland.

We headed home, ate our bacon and egg sandwiches and then checked out our neighborhood park and to look in on the new brew pub that opened down the street from us. (House value increase).

Ohhhhh, the best part. The very very best part is that spur of the moment I was inspired to totally redo my office. Part of my grieving process has been to not really like being at home, but being unable to really leave all that much and enjoy myself. A few weeks ago I spent seven hours redoing the kitchen - just cleaning and nurturing the plants - and that was amazing, but I haven't been inspired to do that again. Until this weekend.

My office totally rocks the house now and it's all with the help of a lambskin rug and a plant I got at the yard sales along the way to the park. It really pulls everything together.

So my hope with all this is that maybe I'll be able to start studying again. I wasn't able to read or study while I was pregnant because I was too sick and I haven't been able to pay much attention to anything except miscarriage books lately, which is technically studying. But my new office should inspire the proper motivation.

But not until after vacation. Yes, we're heading to Joseph, Oregon, the most eastern part of the state on Thursday. We rented a rustic cabin, with a super awesome bathroom with a claw foot tub. It's a bathroom I could miscarry in and not mind.

And why am I thinking this might happen this week? Well, Dave and I both think I ovulated during the first week of May. He could tell just buy looking at me when that happens (and he's always right) and I had a feeling it was happening. And that means I'd be getting my period this week and my regular cramps should follow. I have had uterine activity today, similar to Thursday and I'm going in for two more pelvic floor work treatments before we leave. All signs pointing to completion.

So, things are looking up for the Jareckis.

Fiddleheads, the New Asparagus

Have you tried these buggers? Fiddleheads are baby ferns that can be harvested in the woods. These baby ferns require a very fast parboiling and then a saute before eating and man are they good.

I checked out their vitamin count online and they have 67% of your vitamin A needs and 37% vitamin c, not to mention 4 grams of protein.

Pretty sexy beasts these fiddleheads.

Men of Midwives

Dave gave me this poem for Mother's Day yesterday that he wrote.

MEN OF MIDWIVES

There on the floor, a rumpled sheet of skin,

what can I do? Pick you up, make it go away?

Feed you words about pain?

You were not born of this disease of blood.

You did not inherit it, do not own it. It found you

one day behind the shed, behind

the bottling plant back of your house

where trains ducked in and turned around.

You were roller skating in pink shorts,

T-shirt, yellow hair twisted in a tail.

Your mother cried when you told her

because you were too young and the world

only grew harder.

She knew that pain but not your pain.

What is your pain like?

You tried to tell me once, said it was like sound

bending around light, but not quite, because sound

bent round light sounds almost good.

It’s like a scream twisted in fire, a steel rod

dipped in that scream and pierced through your side.

Your body hangs on a spit. You turn in the flame,

cook a faithless red.

What am I do to for you, midwife? I’m to sit

on the floor, bring you water, a damp cloth,

bitter root to chew.

I’m to hold the space of your gaze, the mirror

of your face. Crouch like a cat

as you breathe through the pain.

The Jareckiville Observer - A Sometimes Reader

I switched domains because right now my mother is unable to handle the little bit of insight into my life I have given her. This has been the case my entire life. Friends on here only. For now. And maybe that will change and maybe not.

I've been learning a lot about myself in these weeks of waiting. A lot about myself and my midwifery practice and my uterus. A lot of unexpected growing. It's almost always hard to grow like this and here I am again.

All is well in terms of completing my miscarriage. I no longer feel like I'm waiting for it to complete. It's more of a waiting for a natural cycle of life to come and go. These are feeling good.

Today

Today I feel good. The homeopathy I took over the weekend (secale and silicea) have really brought me back into my body - a good place to be to start some movement. My uterus is feeling achy in a build-up to cramps sort of way and I feel positively inspired from some books I've been reading.

Of course it is still hard, but I wonder what bends in our road will show us why this has all happened.

The Past 2 Weeks

In 2 weeks I cramped for 28 hours hoping I was only passing a twin and that I still had a baby, was told my baby died, grieved for a week on the couch, was informed via facbook that 2 people were ending their friendship with me because of facebook, did everything I knew how to do, had my credit card number stolen, contemplated a major life change, racked up hundreds of dollars in medical bills and got a speeding ticket.

And I'm still trying to do everything I know how to do.

Again

Got back from my ultrasound. Seems like I have passed nothing more than I did two weeks ago. That's bad news. The good news is that there are no signs of infection.

My midwives consulted with the hospital and the staff wasn't concerned. The hospital said these things could take time and as long as I monitor my temp 3 times a day and it's not increasing (along with other signs of infection) then I am okay. That is interesting, and new, news for me to digest.

All this has made me tired and cranky. I'm going to bed and will decide about what to do tomorrow.

I feel like I'm going through this all over again. Just a mini version. But maybe not that mini.

The Woodpecker in the Bedroom

Monday and Tuesday were interesting days for me. I came to an understand about what is happening in my body that I can't quite put into words. Let's just say I made profound peace.

Concerned about a possible very early sign of infection this morning, I started thinking about the next step - Cytotec. Not sure what was going on and very grateful that I was seeing my midwives at noon today, a woodpecker started pecking above both our bedroom windows. An omen to say the least. An Internet search revealed this about the woodpecker:

When a Woodpecker totem enters your life,
it indicates that the foundation is there and it is safe to follow through.
It will stimulate new rhythms.
It reflects a wakening of new mental faculties.

You may be so wrapped up in mental and spiritual activities
that you've neglected the physical.
Listen to your body's rhythms and sounds and heed what it is telling you.

The Woodpecker is sacred to Zeus, God of Thunder,
and the oracle of Mars (Ares), God of War.
Shamans can ride the drumbeats of the Woodpecker's rhythm
into another dimension, space and time.

I understand this as a nod from the universe to move forward with the Cytotec.

Our meeting with the midwives was great. We discussed options and ranges of normal and next steps. A bi-manual exam revealed that my cervix is soft, fairly effaced and 1 cm dilated. This means my cervix is favorable to complete the miscarriage and that's not what is holding everything up. My uterus didn't feel like a pre-pregnant uterus nor did it feel like a 9-week uterus. This means I still have stuff to get rid of.

As my one wonderful midwife said, "It's time to shit or get off the pot at this point", which is why I love my midwives so much. And I agree. I'm ready to be stop carrying this energy around.

I'm going to get an ultrasound today so they can measure how much "products of conception" are left inside. The doctor who I went to for my first ultrasound during my actual miscarriage is out of town, so I have to go to a medical clinic which is costing us $300. I'm trying not to pay attention to that part of my process.

Depending on what they tell me there - and they will talk directly to me since my midwife told them that I was also a midwife - I will probably take the Cytotec this evening.

The hope is that the Cytotec will ripen my cervix enough to create the receptors in my uterus to start cramping. It's the cramping part that I am missing, everything else is ready to go.

My other midwife is going to consult with the hospital midwives to see if I should also take another drug, one that is given for abortions, to help speed things up.

So that is where I am at this moment. It may take several rounds, spaced at 12 hours apart, for this to work. If it doesn't, we'll talk about the next steps.

Oh, and regarding the very early possible signs of infection - all seems well at this point.

Still Waiting, But Not For Long

I've received a lot of wonderful care from friends and family through this process. I can't thank everyone enough - flowers, visits, food, thoughts, healing, phone calls.

This has been much more difficult than I could ever imagine. Certainly the hardest thing I have ever been though. And it doesn't get easier day by day, it just changes.

I'm still bleeding everyday. It's been 3 weeks since my baby died and 2 weeks since the start of my miscarriage. I'm going to see my midwives on Wednesday so they can check my uterus and feel if it is still at 9 weeks. I'm wondering how much tissue my body has absorbed and if I've passed more clots than I know of.

After that I am probably going to take Cytotec, to help complete this process. I may also get another ultrasound before the Cytotec to see exactly where I'm at. The ultrasound depends on what my midwives find by bi-manual exam.

So that is where I'm at. I'm mostly depressed and don't want to leave the house, but being in the house makes me sad and demotivated. When I get to focus my attention on someone else I am a much happier person. Today I am focusing my thoughts to get back into school work and studying, which I'm hoping will provide a good distraction.

Miscarriage at 10 weeks

On Sunday, April 11 I started miscarrying my baby. I cramped and bled throughout the night for 26 hours. Dave and I went in for an ultrasound, hoping that I was passing a twin and I still had a viable baby I could carry to term. When the doctor told me my baby died at 9 weeks, I stopped cramping and haven't started since - that information wasn't for me. I still have much more to pass.

This has been a hugely emotional process for me and Dave. With every day I am able to release my protection and holding to this baby's spirit and let go. Some days I am uplifted, some days I am angry and today I want to go shopping to make myself feel better.

We spent Monday through Friday at home, surrounded by friends, energy and this wonderful altar pictured above. The pink candle is for Baby Azu-zu. I spent hours staring at it trying to will it to break. Then I realized it was me that needed to let go.

I've worked my way through herbs to help start labor and received acupuncture treatments and energy work. I've come to terms with not being pregnant then loose those terms the next hour.

On Wednesday morning I had a dream that I gave birth to my baby on the floor in my home office. My baby was skinny, had the red skin of a premature baby and was beautiful. I felt my baby breathe and then stop. I held him face down and rubbed his spine like I have seen so many midwives do at births. I asked him to stay and told him I wanted him here. He started breathing again but in those first breaths I knew he wasn't meant to be here. So I told him he could go, that I understood.

I don't really understand. I do know that my baby knows more than I do about divine timing and now just wasn't the right time. I accept that. What I'm trying to accept now is that I'm not pregnant and I won't have my baby in November.

So I'm not pregnant and I'm not preparing to ovulate. I'm waiting to complete my miscarriage.

It has been a blessing that I didn't have a three hour miscarriage on Sunday. It would have been too much for me to process; the pain, the denial, the grief and the hope. This time has allowed my to heal and honor my process. But I'm ready now.

I struggled with how to move about my normal life while I wait for my miscarriage. I think it's a matter of accepting this as a temporary part of my life. I'm bleeding and waiting for cramps. This is something I've been doing since high school, it's just this time I don't know when it will happen.

I'm going to wait for as long as I can for my own body to let go. When I can't handle this emotionally anymore, or if my body shows signs of infection, then I'll take Cytotec at home to help speed the process.

Cytotec is a pharmaceutical that has several uses. Midwives carry it to help with postpartum bleeding. In my case it will start cramps and dilation. It's not a guarantee, but since my body is already sensitive to what's happening (I am having occasional cramps and continual bleeding), this should work.

When I think about why I want this to complete, it's so that I can get pregnant again. That doesn't feel like the right reason. I don't want to have to work at getting pregnant again. I feel it will happen again and soon. This is what I'm trying to keep in mind.

Cold Sores and Pregnancy

I first got cold sores in 5th grade and was sick on the couch for over a month. The primary outbreak is always the worst. Ever since then I would get a blistery mass of crap on my lips every few weeks until 1999 when I discovered the remedy that worked for me.

In my last year of college I tried this treatment, which won't do anything for the current outbreak, but it will prevent further eruptions:

At the onset of any tingling, take twelve Kyolic garlic capsules, then take three every four hours (while awake) for three days.

So eleven years later I get my first cold sore again. Herpes hangs out in your nerves and becomes permanently incorporated with your cell DNA - it can never really be cured. For whatever reason the garlic is able to suppress it for long periods of time. But with pregnancy, all bets are off.

During pregnancy you are inherently under more stress because of all the physical and emotional changes you are going through. Couple that with a particularly stressful day or perhaps a poor diet and out comes the cold sores again.

I'm trying the garlic treatment again and hoping it works just as well as it did in college. Man I hate these things.

My New Relationship

hi - this is moe, mostly known as satchel, but frequently referred to as chop, choppy, mochop, moe-chop, mo-chippity, mo-choppity, and less frequently as Jake and laRoy.

so...like....yeah....this is me and woman on the couch. i'm in charge of, like, keeping the baby warm. also, when the baby is born and, you know, acting all fussy and such, i will, like, coo the baby to sleep with my sleep breathing because, you know, it will, like, know my sleep breathing from its 9-month stay in what i like to refer to as "the dark pond."

ok - la'ate