On Thursday I had pelvic floor work done, a therapy I respond really well to, to see if we could get blood flow going in my pelvic bowl and loosen up any ligaments and muscles that might be holding movement back. Things started aching and cramping a few hours later, I had bright red blood and I even had low back pain. I felt this might be it. I called Midwife Kelly to review what to do if I hemorrhage, I got my meds ready (herbs, needles, filter needles, meds) and lit some candles.
Aside: Dave and I waiting for my miscarriage to complete is akin to waiting for labor to start. I feel cramps, get excited, try not to focus on them too much, tell Dave, we prepare for the event, only or it to be a false alarm.
All women carry emotions in their pelvic region and pelvic floor work can bring up some unknown or buried ones. And that's what it did to me on Thursday night. All my lifelong abandonment issues surfaced, Dave and I got in a fight about it and my uterus stopped cramping.
Mammals won't give birth if they don't feel safe. We can stop or slow down our labor until everything feels in order and miscarriage isn't any different. Our fight shut down my uterus.
I spent the next day at a midwifery conference that was a wonderful distraction from my anger at Dave. Twentyish of us midwives talked about midwifery conditions around the world and in Portland. I ate good soup, sat in the grass and felt no uterine activity.
The argument with Dave was a good thing. I know it's hard dealing with me right now. I'm asking a lot of him and I need a lot. I'm also in my own world that rarely involves anyone else, including him. It's really all about me right now and I don't see that changing until my miscarriage is over. This is part of my process, and I'll try to be more aware of life around me and Dave will speak his thoughts more and ask the questions he was keeping inside.
Friday movie night took us into a beautiful Saturday where the pups and I met a friend for a walk and then she let me practice my midwifery skills on her 26 week pregnant belly (I still can't find a heartbeat with a fetascope).
Dave and I spent several hours at Alberta Art Hop, walking around, meeting with friends, drinking beer and eating sushi. This is where Dave coined our new motto for the next two weeks: things are looking up for the Jareckis. The day ran into night, we spent lovely time with each other (missed a first birthday party of a sweet girl named Ceci) and said good-bye to a lovely day.
Our normal Sunday routine is to bike, without helmets, which is like a special treat, to the farmer's market, buy meat, veggies and gluten-free cookies, then head home. Today we detoured to pick up some tea and a random bookend, then ran into dear friends at a park.
NE Portland was celebrating all it's parks, so there was music and food at every park and roads were closed to cars throughout the area so people can bike safely. The bike parking was a lot like Amsterdam, but probably more confusing since most people weren't tripping out here in Portland.
We headed home, ate our bacon and egg sandwiches and then checked out our neighborhood park and to look in on the new brew pub that opened down the street from us. (House value increase).
Ohhhhh, the best part. The very very best part is that spur of the moment I was inspired to totally redo my office. Part of my grieving process has been to not really like being at home, but being unable to really leave all that much and enjoy myself. A few weeks ago I spent seven hours redoing the kitchen - just cleaning and nurturing the plants - and that was amazing, but I haven't been inspired to do that again. Until this weekend.
My office totally rocks the house now and it's all with the help of a lambskin rug and a plant I got at the yard sales along the way to the park. It really pulls everything together.
So my hope with all this is that maybe I'll be able to start studying again. I wasn't able to read or study while I was pregnant because I was too sick and I haven't been able to pay much attention to anything except miscarriage books lately, which is technically studying. But my new office should inspire the proper motivation.
But not until after vacation. Yes, we're heading to Joseph, Oregon, the most eastern part of the state on Thursday. We rented a rustic cabin, with a super awesome bathroom with a claw foot tub. It's a bathroom I could miscarry in and not mind.
And why am I thinking this might happen this week? Well, Dave and I both think I ovulated during the first week of May. He could tell just buy looking at me when that happens (and he's always right) and I had a feeling it was happening. And that means I'd be getting my period this week and my regular cramps should follow. I have had uterine activity today, similar to Thursday and I'm going in for two more pelvic floor work treatments before we leave. All signs pointing to completion.
So, things are looking up for the Jareckis.
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