Baby Time

Baby time is great. It really is awesome being a mom. I can't even explain the joy in Lazadae's eyes when she wakes up in the morning, turns her head, and grins at me just because I'm next to her. She is so very special to me and I feel a special honor just being her guide through this world.

And there are hard times that I know aren't unique to me. I've noticed that what is most difficult for me during this postpartum time is letting go of my identity as a do-er. I used to get things done - my whole life - and now I can't do anything extra.

I probably am exerting more control over this postpartum time because of my lack of control during the birth. While I was pregnant I was feeling that I'd be doing more things around the house by this time, but I just can't - and I'm becoming okay with that.

I'm a mama and that's all I want to be.

Dave asked me to make breakfast more often but that would require me giving up my chair cuddle time and I don't want to do that. I would rather eat a handful of nuts then hand Lazadae over to Dave during our morning snuggle.

I've set a goal; by the time Dave goes back to teaching workshops in the fall I'll be cooking dinner 3 times per week. Having a container to put this anxiety in helps a lot. For this summer I can bask in Lazadae's grin and not worry about where I'm meant to put her while I cut veggies. And Dave is okay with that.

I'm so keenly aware that this time with her is precious and I really don't want to miss a moment.